It's still summer in rural New Hampshire. My friends and I are sitting outside on the front lawn of school, and have been for hours. The sun is setting and the humidity slowly drops. Mosquitos dance in circles around our heads while my friend plays "Kids" on her ukulele.
You were a child/Crawling on your knees toward it
She looked so at peace with herself. I was always confused with people who had it so together, especially at boarding school. The months were long and felt never-ending and every day was emotional. We were all away from home, stuck in the middle of nowhere together -- trying to figure out what exactly got us in this position.
One moment things are okay and neutral, but then your feelings find a way to change everything. I was unhappy living in New York, but for a while I never thought I'd need to go to boarding school. Then after months of just blocking out my feelings and pushing them away, everything I knew was different. I felt myself becoming of those people in anti-depressant commercials.
Making mama so proud/But your voice was too loud
We were all ready to end this chapter of our lives. To just move on and go back to being regular teenagers -- that's all we really wanted. "Once I get to California, it'll all be fine. I'll be tan and happy," I say to my friends.
I just started junior year at my new school. You know in the movies where they show the new kid at school, lost in the hallways and everything in the background is blurry? I always said that wasn't going to be me, but it is.
The past always seems to find a way to creep up on me. My mind won't stop wandering to last year, when I was at boarding school. I can't stop thinking about the people I met and the friends that I made. I'm trying to move on, but I'm constantly worrying about them, hoping that they're okay. Sometimes I wish it was like a light switch -- I could flick the past off, and only look towards the future.
Despite my efforts to move forward, those feelings aways find their way back.
A few days ago, my friend from boarding school, who I haven't seen in almost a year, texts me:
"I'm going to rehab tonight."
I didn't realize things were that bad, I never did -- she said she was getting better and was starting over; moving on from drinking and that the past was the past. We all promised each other that we'd try our best to do well. She seemed so ready to start her life over, to put forth the "new" version of herself and leave the "old" behind.
Control yourself/Take only what you need from it
But I guess there's always a version of yourself that you put on, the one you want people to see, and then there's the real version of yourself, the one only you can see.
We're constantly going from one place to another, but when it's time to move on, even though you have the desire to and you've taken the first step, the actual part of removing yourself from past experiences -- that's the challenge.
Memories fade/Like looking through a fogged mirror/Decisions to decisions are made
It's easy to get lost in our feelings and to eventually lose track of what we really want. We can be so wrapped up in everything, wether it be the past or the present, that we end up putting so much pressure on ourselves to start over -- "I need to feel this way," or "I need to be doing this" -- but you're just brought back to square one. You're living in the past.
But I thought/This wouldn't hurt a lot/I guess not