Anyone can play Santa Claus successfully, assuming they're white. Its not that we're racist, but... have you ever seen a successful black Santa?
Neither have we.
This is one of the last jobs in America where we can discriminate and have everyone be ok with it. So, don't go ruining our fun by complaining to some overzealous special interest group.
All those groups care about are donations, not children. And we at Overweight And Useless Photography care about nothing more than the children. Without them, who can we sell photo packages with Santa that start at $25?
Aside from appropriate skin color, the typical Santa job requires stamina, patience, an even disposition, and on occasion, good fast thinking. Lucky for you, we're looking for none of these qualities. We just need someone who can pretend to like people and sit in an uncomfortable chair for eleven hours.
You don't even have to fill the Santa suit. If you're skinny, we'll provide you with padding that'll make you think you're filling it, but everyone else will notice you don't and make fun of you.
Standard insults, which will be distributed in three-minute intervals during your shift by shoppers, will include:
"Santa, you're looking pretty thin this year!"
"Santa, is your wife slowly starving you to death?"
"Santa, you need to eat more."
And our personal favorite: "Santa, what the fuck happened!?"
But here's the thing: We don't care if our customers mock you.
We'll simply tell them to wait to have their picture taken with the better looking Santas. On the days those Santas can't make it, we just need a warm body to sit in the chair. One who is ok with embarrassing themselves for way less than what other Santas make at the better malls.
Besides, you should be able to handle the relentless mocking because the proper handling of Santa's role requires humility, and we're sure you don't have any issues about your hairy shoulders, backne, skeletal looking frame, and baby penis.
It's not like you're going to take the sack of cheap plastic hats we gave you and beat children to death with it, right?
Wait. Don't tell us. That opens us up to all kinds of liability...
Speaking of child-based lawsuits, you should also love children if you're going to work as Santa, but again, we don't really care if you do. If you happen to own a shack filled with the bones of neighborhood children you've slowly been picking off since the '80s, don't worry. We're not going to fire you.
We need you.
You know how many applicants we had for this position? Just you. So, you promise to show up on time and not kill anyone while on the clock, and we promise not to call the cops. Deal?
Follow Brandon Mendelson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bjmendelson