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Do Grandma a Favor and Cut the 'LOLSpeak'

03/27/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I was at Numbskullz playing in a Magic tournament. Across my table was a regular Batman and Robin. I was losing. Badly. Batman told me my attempts to win were, "full of fail." Robin chimed in with a "Lulz"" and a "Can I Haz Victory?"

Remember when saying "Fail" or "Lulz" was cool? I don't. And until this point, I never heard someone say "LOL" without being ironic. Among my fellow gamers, I shouldn't be surprised. But this behavior is everywhere. When you get a forward from your eighty-year-old Grandmother describing something as a fail? Yeah. Full on cultural phenomenon, like Heelys, but without the urge to clothesline people using them.

I'm not a English purist, in fact, I hate anyone that qualifies themselves as a "purist." But. The use of LOLSpeak and memes in big people conversation is something to think about. If only for a minute, and only long enough before remembering to set the DVR for Gilmore Girls. A minute is all you need to realize this fad needs to stop faster than a speeding bullet.

Fail can be funny, but the problem is everyone overuses it and often for things that don't qualify as a fail. If the mailman forgets to close the door on your mailbox, that's not a fail. That's a mistake.If the mailman reads your mail, comes into your house, and mocks you by saying, "Here's your latest issue of Cat Fancy." that would be a fail... for you.

If the mailman drove his postal van into your house, while sober, and proceeded to tell you he, "did it all for the nookie. C'mon. The nookie. C'mon," that would be an epic fail on his part. But the fact is, these cases are extreme, and you're not likely to encounter either unless you subscribe to Cat Fancy and your mailman is still listening to Limp Bizkit. If that's the case, it's time to move.

Unless you cross this threshold of crazy, keep the "fails" to yourself. They're not funny or hip, and they'll do nothing to improve your chances with the opposite sex. Unless they're well timed and used appropriately. If that happens? Coitus.

Which brings us to LOLSpeak. There's a difference between slang and LOLSpeak. Slang can travel well. LOLSpeak does not. If I told you I'm going to take a Feebreze Shower, you might laugh, or you might at least get the idea. If I tell you I'm going to get something to eat, and then go, "Nom. Nom. Nom." You'd think I'm an idiot.

Even if you got the reference, you would still think I'm an idiot because LOLSpeak is generally used by "those people", and most of us don't want to be associated with them. LOLSpeak is generally used within a highly specific group, and only for a short time.Unlike slang, which anyone can run with and enjoy, no matter how dated.

LOLSpeak does not age well. By the time most of us hear or utilize it, the people who came up with it are embarrassed about what they contributed to mankind and move on. This is true for any Internet meme. Rickrolling was awesome, until Rick Astley did it at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Chuck Norris facts were funny, before Mike Huckabee used them in a campaign commercial. Likewise for LOLSpeak.

Do the world a favor and save fail for the next time someone gets their head stuck in a toilet because they wanted, "a closer look". Retire LOLSpeak. The world will thank you for it.

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