07/01/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Hoarding Magic Cards Makes You an Asshole

In order to qualify for the Pro Tour, I have to play all Magic formats well. With March's Reserved List decision, I'm not sure how I'm going to practice with the older formats.

The Reserved List is a bunch of cards that were printed years ago that Wizards Of The Coast (the company that produces Magic: The Gathering) promises never to print again.

Until last month, there was a loophole Wizards used to print a few of these cards. This was how they did things for many years until, as with everything good, some Jeff Dunham fans complained and ruined things for the rest of us.

It wasn't a Tea Bagger-sized tantrum, as these idiots represent a minority of Magic players, but their tantrum was big enough for Wizards to close the loophole.

A lot of people, myself included, thought this would be a great opportunity for Wizards to abolish the list since its existence makes it too expensive for people to play formats using older cards.

For example, I can buy a pair of Beyonce blow up dolls for what it costs to buy one Dual Land at $80.

And that's if you can find that Dual Land as they're out of stock at and most other places.

Paying $320 for a play set (four copies) of the Dual Land is Lindsay. That's how I describe things that are crazy.

Why is this Lindsay? That's $320 for four cards.

Sure, some cards in Standard can go for $70 at the height of their popularity, but their price comes down and they're easier to obtain because of reprints, a larger print run, and people looking to trade.

A key thing to remember about the price of Magic cards, excluding ones on the Reserved List: They may be going for $70, but the person who owns them may be willing to part with them for way less. As long as they're aware of how much the card is, there's nothing wrong with trading if that's what the card owner wants to do.

But have you ever traded for someone's dual land or another Reserved List card? Its like being forced to watch Anime.

Wizards is caving to a minority of players who are ruining the game. They're called hoarder whores and they should never be listened to.

Don't believe me? Go ahead. Have a discussion with a hoarder whore and listen to them explain how hoarding Magic cards is comparable to holding stock in a company like Apple.

No. It's not.

And if you want to see how corrosive these people are to an industry, ask Marvel or DC Comics how long it took to recover from the 90's collapse that was fueled by hoarder speculation. At the time, hoarder whores thought comics were going to be the new gold standard.

Oops doesn't begin cover that fucking mess.

Now, hoarder whores should not be confused for collectors. Collectors are reasonable people who may or may not be financially motivated.

Hoarder whores are totally financially motivated and their objective is to take as many cards away from others and sit on them for as long as possible. Hoarder whores think their cards are going to fund their survival after Armageddon.

They're not baseball cards guys. They're not bronzed pubes of American presidents.

You buy this stuff, it makes you happy, and then you move on with your life. Hoarding cards so other people can't play in the older formats is a dick move.

Hoarding magic cards doesn't make you a wise investor, it makes you an asshole.

(Disclosure: Cool Stuff Inc. gives me stuff when I link to them. It makes me happy.)