The Reasonable Man Flushes Twice

06/08/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I'm easily distracted.

What was I saying?

Oh. I'm distracted by this tug of war between my Smart Brain and Dumb Brain.

Smart Brain has lofty ambitions, such as taking the wife to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra and discovering a way to punch cancer in the balls.

Dumb Brain has bad ideas. Ideas that would make your grandmother blush, like spending $400 for a custom cat fight video. One featuring fetish model Diana Knight, dressed as Wonder Woman, getting smacked around by Paris Kennedy, another fetish model, dressed as Catwoman.

Smart Brain often rescues me from such purchases by being practical, "How do you explain that bill to your wife?"

I'm so distracted by this bitter brain bickering that she often needs to stop me from walking into oncoming traffic and stationary objects. If I order that video, Smart Brain informs me, she may push me into traffic next time.

So when I'm playing Magic: The Gathering, I need to figure out how to shut these brains up, otherwise I'll keep losing and never qualify for the Pro Tour.

So far? I'm not doing so hot. Instead of thinking, "This is going to fuck my opponent in the ass next turn," I'm wondering what it would take to get Beyonce to play Wonder Woman in my video.

I don't want to say I'm last in the national rankings, but if there's a Magic Hall Of Losers, I'm in there next to the guy who wipes his ass with his cards. Perhaps could set a Hall of Losers up? Next to my picture they can have a headline that says, "Wife Kills Husband Over Porn Bill, Takes Magic Cards"

There's only one way to turn my play around, and that's to create a "Fearless Magical Inventory"

We'll get more into this with the next couple of columns, but for now I'm going to share my list with you.

And, I know, making a personal inventory is very AA. While I don't yet have a drinking problem, I want to point out the inherent hilarity in making a list of Magic: The Gathering play problems the same way alcoholics do to solve their life problems.

Just doesn't seem to have the same gravitas, you know?

I'm also not going to call it a "Magical Inventory". Unless I own a time machine, three animated broomsticks, and the severed head of American Idol contestant Tim Urban, nothing I own is magical.

We're going to call this list, "Brandon's Big List Of Problems, Magic: The Gathering edition", and those problems are:

1. I need to get my head into the game and out of Beyonce.

2. I suck at figuring out how many copies of a card I should have in my deck. Sixty elves in a sixty card deck seems excessive.

3. I assume my opponent is honest and not a cheating scumbag like the guy who almost electrocuted me at Numbskullz last month.

4. When I draw a card I don't need, I yell "Balls!". I need to work on my poker face and war cry.

5. I forget I can do things during my opponent's turn. This is similar to a problem I have in the bathroom.

You get the jist of my first problem with this column. Next time I'll tell you how I'm solving it and why Magic games in Queensbury, New York are now taking forever to play.

Also: I may cut a bitch.

(Disclosure: I get store credit for whoring out The credit keeps me off the street buying drugs and helps pay for my Magic cards.)

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