11/20/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Universal Break-Up Card

The next time you’re going to avoid someone in order to dump them, or get into a heated confrontation, why don’t you use my patented “Universal Break-Up Card”?

Featuring relationship-ending excuses delivered from the ancients, I have collected the ultimate break-up card for you to use for every occasion.

All you have to do is print the Universal Break-Up Card, check the box (or boxes) that apply, and give it to the person you’re dumping.

Dear ________________________________________,

____ 1) I’ve seen professional wrestlers more sensitive than you.
____ 2) You’re too sensitive, stop whining.
____ 3) You remind me of that guy / girl from (insert name of horror movie here:  _____________          ).
____ 4) I have to break up with you because I slept with your best friend / dog / sister / neighbor.
_____ 5) I’m actually not straight / gay, fooled you!
_____ 6) We can’t have sex because I keep thinking about your mother / father / friend /cow / neighbor.
____ 7) I’m prejudiced against __________________, so this isn’t going to work.
____ 8) I now hate men / women because of you.
____ 9) You told my parents we mate like orangutans.
____10) You’re cheap, I don’t want much, but c’mon!
____11) I have to leave, I pissed off the mob / government / terrorists / rap musicians.
____12) You’re leaving for college / the military / prison, and I don’t feel like waiting.
____13) I’ve been indicted for war crimes.
____ 14) This sleazy guy /girl convinced me you’re a waste of time. I’m going to hook up with them.
____ 15) You’re from New Jersey.
____ 16) I love my cats / dogs  more than you.
____17) I was blind when we started dating but now that I can see? Eeeeewwww.
____18) I rather make out with a sock.
____19) I’ve heard of sexual deviancy, but that’s too much.

____20) _________________________________________________________________

Eat It,

(Sign your name here: ___________________________________ )