Chuck Norris to Rule Post-Apocalyptic Texas

04/12/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Do not mess with Texas or Chuck Norris will kill you.

According to WorldNetDaily, the most trusted name in complete insanity, Chuck Norris, the actor whose manliness came to the forefront of our culture via a t-shirt worn by frat boys, has decided that if things turns sour in the U.S.A. he's going to run for "President of Texas" answering that age old question "What Would Chuck Norris Do?". Did you hear that sound? That's the sound of a jillion kegs of beer being tapped.


Don't get me wrong, I think this is the smartest thing anyone can ever say ever...but I don't think Chuck knows what he's getting into. Being "President of Texas" takes vision and competence, not a group of animated Karate Kommandos. According to Norris there will be cell groups that rise up to take control over the nation when they start to see things go down the tubes. And here you thought those Twilight kids didn't have a sense of reality! While we agree that Chuck Norris is insane, he isn't the first actor to throw around the rhetoric and propose drastic ramifications to our great land. Before you now, I present the top 5 celebrity doomsday prophecies;

Carrot Top

Laugh all you want, kids, but one day soon this ginger-haired muscle head will be the only one left standing. The oft-mocked comic is rumored to have created one of the largest arsenals of orange-colored weapons and vehicles the world has never seen. Supposedly hidden under the Nevada desert in his oddly named "Carrot Cave", his cache includes two Pumpkin colored Tomahawks, a tank that shoots jelly donuts and a chest filled with, what is believed to be, various props that he will use make hilarious jokes out of. Since word of this rumored secret base hit the street the military has been on high alert as America prays that is doesn't have to see the day that Carrot Top rises to power and shouts his mantra from high atop his "Carrot Tank".

Mary Hart

Immortal televisions hostess Mary Hart decreed in 1992 that when "fire reigns down from above, my acolytes will rise and serve my dark needs". Creating the "Order of the Hart", the leggy blond vowed to "rip apart the Earth, ushering in Ragnarok and destroying all that that is held sacred". After period of indifference, America shrugged. Mary Hart then renewed her contract with Entertainment Tonight for a record 50 years, insured her legs for more money than you will ever see in a lifetime and went about her business.

Kevin Costner

Realizing that making movies about post-Apocalyptic situations was getting him nowhere, Kevin Costner decided that it was up to him to raise the stakes and usher in the dawning of a new age by making movies about aging men who still can't figure out what "makes a woman tick". Having never found out, Costner continues to roam movie theatres looking for young women to groom as one of his child brides.

Paul Reubens

Thinking that the planet was in its final act, Paul Reubens shuttled away the children of Burbank, California in 2001, promising them ultimate power when the Earth as they know it ended and the new world order began. Reubens took meticulous photos of each child "in case they wouldn't be identifiable after the carnage began". But the Burbank police were on to his tricks and arrested him shortly there after. To this day Ruebens is rumored to still be holding child star Johnathan Lipnicki hostage in a compound where he repeatedly makes him tell him that "bees and dogs can smell fear" and that "the human head weighs eight pounds."

Flavor Flav

One time rapper Flavor Flav, of the rap group Public Enemy, decided in 2006 that meeting women in a natural and traditional setting was not bringing him any closer to finding someone to fall in love with. By teaming up with a cable network that once played music videos but now relies on the failed careers of many top celebrities to keep its viewership, Flav began a search for his new mate on the program Flavor Of Love. After selecting the most promising young women that America had to offer and putting them through intense physical and emotional stress, Flav ultimately did not find the woman of his dreams. Consequently, each year America must endure a new season of Flavor of Love until Flav has selected his betrothed.