Dear Jon...Gosselin

10/16/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dear Jon,

Enough. I'm serious. You've got to stop this. I can no longer sit idly by and watch you do this to yourself, your children or America. There's a place called the high road. You should be taking it. Whatever playbook you're currently reading about being a single, high-functioning member of wrong. And if you're not reading a book about being a single, high-functioning member of should. I'm all for being who you are. I totally am. But if who you are does the things that you do, then I'm not for being who you are. I read that you had a pool party in Las Vegas this weekend. While most of your buddies might high five you with the requisite "sweet, dude!", I'm here to tell you that this was not sweet. This was not sweet at all. Here I've outlined some very basic ideas about how I think you can get back in the game as a human being. READ THEM!

Stop Talking
Don't talk to anyone about anything. Don't make a statement when you're wife says something you disagree with. Don't invite US Magazine into your house for tea and biscuits. No one wants to hear what you have to say. You're not Stephen Hawking, you're a guy who was on a reality show. You don't need to say anything ever because you're not a world leader. People aren't looking to you for guidance. Not even single dads who use you as an excuse to go for a beer when their wife bitches at them. So just be quiet. When you end up saying things you sound like a child who's just been caught playing doctor with the neighbor kid. You're mumbly and scratch your head a lot. The cure? Shut your mouth.

Take Those Fucking Earrings Off
You're too young for me to have to explain "cool" to you. You should really just know or at least have the sense enough to say to yourself "Maybe getting both my ears pierced and wearing diamond studs is a little dated." This is not 1998 and you're not a rapper. Which reminds me...please do not become a rapper! And just because you have children doesn't mean that your popular culture barometer freezes. Watch a TV show, read a can figure it out. I don't want to sound like my dad but those earrings make you look like an idiot.

Be Discreet
Yes, you're in the public eye. I know it's hard but people in Hollywood have been banging trannies, doing blow and accidentally murdering people for years while the public goes to see them play the wacky dad in the latest Disney movie. Do you know why? Because they're discreet. They run a tight ship. It's a Circle of Trust thing. Surround yourself with people who understand this. I might suggest hanging out with people who live in reality. Real reality. People who pay bills. People who don't list "partying" as one of their favorite things to do on Facebook. Hell, maybe just spend some time with yourself.

Stop Hanging Out With Michael Lohan For Chrissakes
I don't have to explain should just know!

Know Your Role
You are not a sex symbol. You are not a guy who throws pool parties. You are a guy who devoted his life to his wife and children and has now been released back into the wild with no knowledge of how it currently runs socially. I'm sorry. This may be hard to hear and no one around you will tell you this but; you are not meant to be in the spotlight. I think you may know this based on how confused you look in photos though. Go and get a regular people's job and retreat from the celebrity. It's not you. You will eventually be rejected from popular culture so do you want to do this on your terms or America's? Do it on yours.

Think of the Kids
When they're 18, your kids are going to look back at photos of you wearing glittery dragon t-shirts and looking hung over and think "What a fucking mess Dad was!" I know they will, Jon. Your sons aren't going to think you were cool. They're going to think you were desperate. And all the things that they don't know now, they will find out and you will look sad and embarrassed.

Stop Wearing Ed Hardy
It's disgusting and only for the exclusive use of Euro trash, brain damaged Long Island teenagers and people with no discernable taste. Do you want to be any of those things? Didn't think so.

Keep it in Your Trousers
I know you're looking for lots of hot action now that you're single again. I totally get that. Just make better choices in who you have sex with. You're not on Spring Break in Cancun. The world got a lot dirtier since you were first doin' it. Quality over quantity. We've all seen those pics of that Hailey Glassman girl but she's a total mess. I even read that you love her. For real? That leads me to believe you have about as much foresight as a contestant on Rock of Love. Sew the oats, but be careful what field you decide to do it in.

I want you to succeed. I absolutely do. If you do this the right way, you'll be able to have control over your life again. And you need that.

But you have to starting looking and acting like a person who is living in 2009.

Do it for the kids.



PS: Can someone who attended the Jon Gosselin pool party can contact me...I have a few questions I need to ask them about their life direction as well. Thanks.