In Honor of Obama: A Chicago-Hawaii Exchange Program

Dear Obama transition administration:

On behalf of all my fellow Chicagoans, I'd like to thank you for launching the Chicago-Hawaii Cultural Exchange program, in which citizens of the city of Big Shoulders can apply for the opportunity to swap a year beside Lake Michigan for a year on the shores of Ka'anapali, Waikiki, and Wailea. What a wonderful way to honor President-Elect Obama's dual heritage.

I am honored to be among the first to submit my application. I know you'll find my qualifications impressive.

Having been to Hawaii twice, I have had the opportunity to study their culture, particularly the part about not freezing your "papakole" (Hawaiian for buttocks) off nine months out of the year. I know that the state fish is the Humuhumukununukuapua'a, which means "fish with a pig's nose," and having lived in the sausage capital of the world for several years, I'm open to eating anything with a pig's nose.

I've enclosed my photograph with my application. Please put on the enclosed sunglasses to shield your eyes from my blinding paleness. As you can see, I desperately need some color and not of the spray-on variety. The people in my life, particularly those who see me on a daily basis, would tremendously appreciate a year-long reprieve from my unsightly translucent complexion. A year in the glorious sunshine would improve my health by depositing a healthy dose of Vitamin D into my system. As I write this, it is 4:00 p.m. in Chicago, and already pitch black outside.

In addition to my proficient knowledge of Hawaiian culture and my damaging whiteness, I have a strong affinity for the following: the feeling of sand under my feet; the taste of a Pina Colada made from real pineapple and not Bacardi pineapple-flavored syrup; people smiling at me as I walk down the street (or sandy path); not being splashed with freezing slush by a C.T.A. bus on my way to work; being surrounded by whales and dolphins instead of pigeons and rats; the affordability of bikinis as opposed to sweaters; and a vacation from the Chicago Cubs (this past season may have contributed to my paleness).

I know you will agree that I am the best qualified candidate for this program. I would like to stipulate that my fiance and my puppy join me on this trip.

Thank you for your consideration.

Aloha!

Comments

[ChicagoSuz]

Sounds good to me... ;-)

[k-tina08]

Very clever and fun post. Always entertaining to read your articles. Keep them coming!