THE BLOG
08/04/2014 01:13 pm ET Updated Oct 04, 2014

5 Reasons Jesus Isn't Coming Back This Year

Sure, Christians would love their Messiah to come back soon. But things here on Earth keep indicating that won't be happening anytime soon. While no one can know the exact time and circumstances of his arrival, here are five reasons we know it isn't going to be 2014.

1. NOAH

Thus it will be when Christ returns. As in the days of Noah and Lot, the soon visitation of the Lord Jesus will be a snare unto the people who do not heed the warning and give their lives to Him. (Luke 17:26-30)

When Darren Aronofsky's blockbuster film, Noah, was released earlier this year, Jesus Freaks were extremely excited. This film would warn this sinful generation of the coming judgment of Almighty God, declaring this age to be as The Days of Noah. However, many Christians soon realized the film was way too liberal, making references to evolution, environmentalism, and the occasional rock monster (an obvious nod to the devil's music). Plus it was directly promoting witchcraft by casting Emma Watson (aka Hermione from Harry Potter).

Soon all the Biblical Scholars, err... I mean, Fox News anchors and columnists weighed in to share their thoughts on the blatant inaccuracies. I mean, Gladiator was speaking English the whole time. Everyone knows he was a Spaniard.

With the recent outpouring of Biblical films (e.g. Son of God, Heaven Is for Real, God's Not Dead, and some film next year about a 'Christian' Grey), I'd suspect Jesus has his eye on winning an Oscar. I think it goes without saying that we could be waiting for quite some time.

2. ALIENS

Recently, modern-day defender of "true" Science, Ken Ham, delivered one of the most smart... brain-thinking... educational sentences ever spoken.

"Jesus did not become the 'GodKlingon' or the 'God Martian'!" he wrote. "Only descendents of Adam can be saved. God's Son remains the 'Godman' as our Savior. In fact, the Bible makes it clear that we see the Father through the Son (and we see the Son through His Word). To suggest that aliens could respond to the Gospel is just totally wrong."

See, this is quite awkward for Jesus since... he technically is an alien. But more awkward is all the extra damning he's got to do. If Neil De Grasse Tyson isn't completely bullshitting us about how big the Cosmos is, then Jesus had better pick up the pace. That's a lot of apocalypses to coordinate and execute before 2015.

Obviously he'd save us for last.

3. THE POPE

Truth be told, Jesus is a little nervous about Pope Francis. Why? Well, to be honest, The Holy Father is kicking ass right now. In his spare time he enjoys hobbies such as sneaking out at night to feed the poor, speaking out against judgment of those in the LGBT community, showing disdain for the evils of capitalism, and even speaking well of atheists (you know... those Satan worshippers).

Oh, and he even auctioned off his motorcycle to help the homeless. The Pope... had a motorcycle. Let that sink in.

Jesus is going to have to seriously up his game if he wants to be the 21st century face of Christianity. At the moment, the world finally has a legit, inspirational, global, beloved Christian leader. We haven't had one of those since... Jesus? And he wasn't even a Christian back then. (Wait, is Jesus even a Christian now?) And he only lasted in Ministry for three years.

If Jesus wants his message to actually work, he needs to let Super-Pope handle this one.

4. LEBRON JAMES

Recently we learned that Lebron James has decided to return to the Cavaliers to finally bring the great city of Cleveland their first NBA title. Students of the scriptures will easily decode the prophetic nature of this story. LeBron is a modern-day Prodigal Son.

He squandered his good name and credibility, trading it all for the sultry sweet sirens of Miami. But finally vanquished by the Spurs (the modern-day Babylonian Empire, I assume), the King has returned (much like Aragorn in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King). Just ignore the fact that the Prodigal Son wasn't a king. Although I'm pretty sure his dad was kinda like a king?

(Prophecy is a mystery, so... um, just have faith about it).

Jesus wouldn't want to compete with LeBron's "Second Coming" for obvious reasons. The residents of Ohio would have even more reason to believe God is against them if the Nazarene interrupted the festivities. Why? They have "Johnny Football" playing for the Browns, Urban Meyer at the helm of the Buckeyes, and the greatest Basketball player since Michael Jordan, all poised to fill the role of "Savior" this year.

Logically, we can be confident Jesus is not coming back this season. At least those of us who hold fast to the King James tradition.

5. OBAMA

As always, it's Obama's fault. That muslim, atheist, Jeremiah Wright-following radical-Christian extremist, Secular-Humanistic Marxist, anti-American Hawaiian dictator with his elitist "Harvard education" and "white" mother from "Kansas". All his fault.

Thanks Obama.

With Christians under such constant persecution and Sharia Law practically imminent, it is clear that Jesus is using Obama to punish the Church. Why? For electing Obama, obviously. While Jesus was always in control of who won the election, he still wants to punish the Church for allowing him to allow it to happen. And until Obama's second term is done, the punishment must remain in effect.

Sorry. It's just how God's will works.

IN CONCLUSION: Whether you're a skeptic, a believer, or just someone who loves a good e-book about the afterlife, we should always be working towards creating a world Jesus wouldn't even need to revisit.

Follow Brett on Facebook, Twitter, and his blog. But to clarify, he'd prefer you didn't follow him in real life. He is also author of 'Broken Scythe" now available on Amazon.