New Year's Resolutions for New Parents

I've never been much of a resolutions kind of guy, but with my toddler's rapidly changing set of skills, life moves fast. This year, I'm taking advantage of the tradition to pause and reboot. In no particular order, my parenting goals for 2011 are:

• Take time to recharge.

When I focus too intently on a task, I tend to start seeing the trees instead of the forest. Taking a break helps me regain a sense of the big picture. It instills new energy, a fresh perspective. And what work has ever been more consuming than that of raising a child?

I resolve to take a couple of hours for myself each week to recharge. Maybe I'll unplug and curl up with a book after dinner, or go for a run around the park when my wife comes home from work. For a while I did these things regularly, but patterns shifted with the change of season, and now I find myself either drooling in front of the tube or sweating to get things done right up to bedtime, neither of which leaves me refreshed.

Social outings can help, too, but only if I go out with people who don't want to talk about the baby the entire time. I want to do things that I enjoyed before the baby arrived, and do it guilt free. Time off from dad-duty means that I return to my son calmer of temper, and with a greater appreciation for the little guy's boundless spirit.

Feeding my interests outside parenting ends up making me a better parent as a whole.

• Don't forget that the baby is just a baby.

Speaking of my son's boundless spirit, I have to remember that when he's at his most irrational, chaotic and contrary, he's not out to get me personally. It's difficult at these moments to avoid arguing with him -- "You indicated you wanted an egg for dinner, why aren't you eating this?" -- or whine about being tired, or threaten to put him on time-out when maybe he's actually trying to communicate that he's ready for a nap or feeling bored. He's not my little brother, out to annoy me till I snap.

No, as wearing as his incessant needs can be, he's just responding to the world the best he knows how. A world that, for him, is ever-changing, often confusing, sometimes frightening and maybe, until those last four molars come in, accompanied by an omnipresent ache. I resolve, even at the height of violent tantrum, or at five in the morning when he's refusing to fall back asleep, to take a deep breath and have compassion for him and respond as rationally and patiently as possible.

This one's going to be hard.

• Stop thinking about what you can do when the baby is not around. Instead, take a nap!

In those precious moments of quiet when the baby is asleep, my mind races. What to do? Clean the dishes, check e-mail, browse the news, call a family member, and what about my writing? The list of responsibilities is endless.

I promise that, before I do anything, I'll listen to my body. When the thought of stretching in silence and relieving a lumbar sore from carrying my clingy baby around all morning beckons, I'll do it. When I've been bouncing from activity to activity and doing chores in between the cracks and my head is throbbing, I'll put on some quiet music and lie down. Because I know from the few times I've allowed myself to just let go of the to-dos and rest, I end up being a better parent, husband, writer and human in the long run.

Nothing grounds a person like a solid sleep.

• Get a babysitter at least once a month, even when you and your partner have no plans.

Not only do I need more time to recharge, but my relationship with my wife does, as well. Too often I see her only as co-parent and housemate and forget to look at the woman that I fell in love with so many years ago. When we take time away from our son to hang out, be silly, indulge our romantic sides and share a movie or drink or dinner, we re-solidify our foundation. We end up feeling better and stronger as a couple -- it's like doing a team-building exercise, although of course that makes it sound entirely un-sexy, which it's anything but.

So in 2011, I will arrange for a babysitter at least once a month. We'll figure out what to do once the date is set. We could end up at the theater or around the block having a pint; either way, it'll do my heart good and lighten my spirits.

• Lower expectations!

It's entirely possible that next year I won't do all the things listed above, or do them consistently, or as well as I would like. Really, the list itself is flawed, which is why I never liked resolutions to begin with, because this just covers my goals as a parent and not as a husband, friend, son, writer or any of the other roles I play in life.

OK, sure, my primary focus right now is on my son. At one and a half, he needs me the most. But even with this narrow set of objectives, there will be days when I fail. I will lose my temper when my son's testing limits, and I will feel frustrated when I don't accomplish everything that I would have liked to, or when I've not been the dad that I would like to be. Today, for example, was one such day.

And you know what? That's OK. Kids are nothing if not resilient, adapting all the time, greeting every day as a fresh opportunity to live and learn. As a parent, I must do the same.

 

Follow Brian Gresko on Twitter: www.twitter.com/briangresko

Comments

[Dr. Cara Barker]

11:12 AM on 12/31/2010

Thanks for your blog here, Brian. I'm off to fan you. As a grandma, I remember, (and am reminded most recently) just what a challenge parenting can be. Your points are well made.

What I would add, that is crucial, (I also see many kids in my practice) is that there is an unimagineable power of 'parental presence.' If parents do not take time for themselves, the child notes the irritation, the anger, resentment a parent feels for taking on becoming a parent. The child is left to blame themselves, and this creates huge, huge problems down the road. So, take the time you can, with the intention, not only of renewal, but knowing that leaves you 'clean and clear' to welcome the child back into the heart.

Another important thing for newborn (or any age) parents is that the other parent needs their time desparately. Even having the time to read a blog is a luxury, for them. Supporting your partner to take the time to remember their own name is crucial.

Thanks for launching a well-needed conversation!
A great New Year to you and yours, and this means your readers, too,
Cara

[merrymay]

03:01 PM on 12/31/2010

A culture that doesn't support new parents is not civilized, no matter the technology or prosperity...right on!

[Eric Tate]

09:34 AM on 01/01/2011

Well said. You can tell how evolved a planet is by how the youngest are nurtured. One can only imagine what 'grade' we would get from a more highly evolved planet. I would think the mere fact that we as a collective are content to flip on reruns of 'Seinfeld' while thousands upon thousands die of hunger each day would immediately relegate us to the category of Primitive. I suppose if they factored in abuse, violent and conflict oriented media (films, TV, video games), food that is so processed it can't even be called food, religious oppression, an educational system (even in the cases where one is lucky enough to receive an education) that has little to do with the actual needs of living a quality adult life, parents who are enslaved to the constant need to make money, lack of understanding of basic child development needs, and so on...we would be viewed as very undeveloped. Of course, it's easy to point fingers. That's not my point. We just need to be honest about where we are collectively and individually in our 'parenting consciousness' and the then try to do our best to move the ball forward, building on the sacrifices, thinking, models and efforts of past generations. It's incredibly challenging. I know it is for me as a parent, every single day. But try we must. Besides, what else is there to do on this planet?

[rmajh5]

10:04 AM on 12/31/2010

From my perspective, 2010 was not a good year. On a personal level, I am unable to complain. I've made it through okay. But when I look around and see how others are doing, it disturbs me. Jobs lost by too many, the gap between the rich and the poor growing, the middle class in America suffering, heroic American soldiers dying for, in my opinion, no decent reason, America spending billions upon billions of dollars overseas on our wars when said money should be spent right here on our own many needs.

On the other hand, America has suffered just as much in our past and eventually come out the better for it. I continue to hope that our future will hold up just as well.