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Macklemore's "Thrift Shop" As Written in Classical Prose

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These are the lyrics Macklemore's hit song "Thrift Shop" as written in classical prose. The song, which exquisitely details the troubles and tribulations of a young man in Washington, conquered the music industry with its message championing the virtue of frugality, meekness, and sensibility.

This collaboration between Macklemore and producer Ryan Lewis has no doubt changed the world for the greater, influencing thousands, if not millions, of young people to crawl on the dirty floors of thrift shops around the world in hope of a more prosperous tomorrow. Today we celebrate the duo's achievement. Please enjoy the following translation.

I'm going to tear off a few price tags
Because I only have about $20 placed in the pocket of my jeans.
I'm searching for a flashy, yet distinctive, outfit.
This circumstance is absolutely wonderful.

I walk up to the 21+ night club, almost as if to say,
"Hello. I have a relatively large penis."
I'm so excited, having just purchased some clothes from the local thrift store.
The jewelry draped over my neck is so brilliant
That people in the night club say, "Bazinga! That's a well-dressed Caucasian male."
I casually stroll through the mezzanine's dining facility
With a pink vest and green alligator boots to match.
Female companions look at me in admiration, but I realize that I should have washed
My new leopard fur coat, which smells a little like R. Kelly's sheets: urine.

"Have no worries," I whisper to myself. "It cost a mere 99¢."

After cleaning my new clothes, I head outside for a few compliments,
Happy that I refused to purchase that pair of used moccasins.
Nonetheless, I'm ecstatic about having saved so much monetary value
At the local thrift store, which undoubtedly offers the best deals in town.
I ask a friend, "Do you mind if I emulate your grandfather's fashion preferences?"
He looks away, but my face is stern: "Can I please acquire his hand-me-downs?
A velour jumpsuit, slippers to wear around the house -- anything that's available, really."
Then I inquire about a leather jacket that I found in the man's attic.

The local thrift store had a slightly malfunctioning keyboard. Still, I purchased it.
And then I threw in a blanket to use after my weekly masturbation session.
I also purchased a kneeboard, but it's unlikely that I'll find time to learn the skill.
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I see a young Ulpiano Sergio Reyes
Who now owns better clothes than Academy Award-winning actor John Wayne.
Even if I were to purchase a pair of inexpensive Pro Wings, the footwear aficionados would say,
"Goodness gracious! These Velcro shoes look fantastic on you today."

I'm going to tear off a few price tags
Because I only have about $20 placed in the pocket of my jeans.
I'm searching for a flashy, yet distinctive, outfit.
This circumstance is absolutely wonderful.

I'm going to tear off a few price tags
Because I only have about $20 placed in the pocket of my jeans.
I'm searching for a flashy, yet distinctive, outfit.
This circumstance is absolutely wonderful.

How much information do you have about tousling hair into the "wolf cut" style?
Likewise, how much information do you have about owning a formal fox fur coat?
I continue searching through piles of used luggage for potential outfits.
It's not unheard of that one man will fancy items another man threw out.
Please convey my thanks to your grandfather. The plaid shirt he donated fits beautifully.
I wear it each day with confidence, especially when I travel to the local thrift store.
I still haven't grown tired of roaming its many aisles.

Your grandmother, your aunt, and your mother
All understand that I'll gleefully sport flannel zebra pajamas, even second-hand,
So long as I can utilize the classic "onesies" (i.e., with socks built into the piece).
One time I wore similar pajamas to a party. Everyone stopped and looked at me.
A passerby commented that his friend's Gucci shirt was magnificent.
I tapped his shoulder and explained that $50 isn't a very good price for a single shirt.

He told me that it's limited edition, but I took out my calculator
And simply couldn't justify the expenditure, at least not in the current economy.
I told him that he may have been deceived by marketers
And recommended that he call up the nearest Department of Justice branch
Because at least six other people in the night club were given the same faulty shirt.
I added that it's unlikely female companions would appreciate such wasteful spending.

"Here's the address of the local thrift store," I said, handing him a business card.

I'm going to tear off a few price tags
Because I only have about $20 placed in the pocket of my jeans.
I'm searching for a flashy, yet distinctive, outfit.
This circumstance is absolutely wonderful.

I often wear your grandfather's clothes,
And many compliments have been directed my way as a result.
I have to admit: the coat I'm wearing is larger than normal,
But the local thrift store offered a great deal and I couldn't resist.

I often wear your grandfather's clothes,
And many compliments have been directed my way as a result.
I have to admit: the coat I'm wearing is larger than normal,
But the local thrift store offered a great deal and I couldn't resist.

I'm going to tear off a few price tags
Because I only have about $20 placed in the pocket of my jeans.
I'm searching for a flashy, yet distinctive, outfit.
This circumstance is absolutely wonderful.

Wait -- does that coat belong to your grandmother, or am I mistaken?