FEMA, the federal disaster agency, has apologized repeatedly for conducting a fake news briefing on the California wildfires. In what appeared to be a real press conference, FEMA employees asked questions when no actual journalists were present. As a former fake journalist on The Daily Show, I am filled with fake outrage.
This fake news conference held by FEMA is a slap in the face to fake journalists everywhere. I dedicated a significant part of my career to bringing respect to fake journalism. I spent years making fake journalism credible; a viable alternative to the real news. It is because of people like me, and the fake news industry, that Frank Rich and Maureen Dowd even have something to write about in The New York Times.
But to hear these employees of FEMA so feebly, so inadequately impersonate fake journalists breaks my heart; it's an insult to the men and women who have so nobly posed as journalists throughout fake journalism's history.
I give FEMA an "F" for staging the worst fake press conference in fake news history. Listen to these pathetic fake questions directed to deputy administrator Harvey Johnson; asked by FEMA employees who clearly lack any standards of fakery:
Question #1: "Sir, there are a number of reports that people weren't heeding evacuation orders and that was hindering emergency responders. Can you speak a little to that, please?"
First of all, no fake journalist worth their salt would ever blame the victims of these fires for the slow response of state and local agencies. A qualified fake journalist would immediately blame Michael Brown, the former FEMA head who presided over the lame response to Hurricane Katrina. Brown doesn't work for FEMA anymore, but a good fake journalist would figure out a way to link him to this disaster anyway.
Question #2: "Can you address a little bit what it means to have the president issue an emergency declaration, as opposed to a major disaster declaration? What does that mean for FEMA?"
Who gives a rat's ass what it means for FEMA? For someone whose house is on fire, it's both an emergency AND a disaster. A real fake journalist would figure out how to link it to Michael Brown, again, and then ask, "What is it that you people do all day besides put on fake news briefings?"
Here's the next question.
Question #3: "Sir, we understand the secretary and the administrator of FEMA are on their way out there. What is their objective? And is there anyone else traveling with them?"
Who else is traveling with the FEMA secretary? Maybe his dog, Buster? No, the question should be "Is Michael Brown traveling with the FEMA secretary?" How unfake can these journalists get!?
And finally...
Question #4: "Are you happy with FEMA's response, so far?"
Actually, this is a fantastic fake question. This FEMA employee could have asked more overtly, "Isn't FEMA great? The greatest government agency on the face of the planet?" And as a follow-up, "You're just the best, the best deputy administrator ever! Would you agree?" But here, FEMA's best fake journalist-employee puts just the right amout of sincerity on it to make this, not a good fake question, but a great fake question.
Still, the lesson in all this for FEMA is clear. Leave the fake journalism to real fake journalists. And maybe, just maybe FEMA can fix a disaster that isn't of its own making...or Michael Brown's.