04/13/2012 02:53 pm ET Updated Oct 11, 2012

Pantyhose Should Not Make A Comeback, Ever

There used to be a time where women couldn't go anywhere without pantyhose. But there was also a time where you couldn't go anywhere without a hat and despite efforts to champion "sock" style knit caps and the occasional jaunty straw boater, these efforts have been greeted with the steely-eyed glare of resistance.

I remember having a school dress code that occasionally required the wearing of pantyhose. Why on earth an 8th grader had to attend a class trip dressed as if an extra on "Night Court" is beyond me. But it happened and I recall the incredible frustration of trying to pull the delicate yet alarmingly stiff nylon over my legs without getting a snag.

Rarely did I ever make it past my knee.

If I did, I would be doomed to a night where I could only use about half my brain, as the other would be occupied fighting the good fight against pantyhose-crotch-droop, sudden roll-downs and runs.

And though there are some benefits to pantyhose (they hide stubble and can smooth your silhouette), they're largely outweighed by the issue of color. Technology may have made it possible for pantyhose to moisturize your legs as you wear them, but they haven't quite found a way to reproduce actual true-to-life skin tones. Instead, if you deviate in any way from the standard five hues (chalk, putty, orange, cardboard or burnt toast), you're doomed to have legs that either look frosted or surgically grafted from another person's body.

So while I pity how things like manners and civility have become outmoded, there is one thing I'm glad stays in the past: Pantyhose.

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