Conservatives railed against the Obama administration this week in response to a key provision buried within the nation's landmark health care reform law that would make nonsensical epithets directed at the President and his policy proposals a federal offense punishable by a rudimentary education in history and civics.
Initially overlooked by most members of both parties, the provision in question will mandate that "all individuals who attempt to defame the President by verbalizing irrational or erroneous comparisons to past dictators, oppressive methods of warfare, or totalitarian political regimes, be summarily sentenced to no fewer than four consecutive months in William Bilweki's third period A.P. World History Class."
Also prohibited would be usage of the word "literally" to make a false analogy seem more likely, as in, "The Obama administration is literally more oppressive than the Khmer Rouge," "We literally haven't seen socialism of this magnitude since Stalin's Politburo," or "Obama is literally black Hitler."
Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner's reading of the provision Thursday to members of Congress elicited an instant uproar from his GOP brethren.
Said Republican Congressman Doug Lamborn of Colorado: "Obviously, there's only one other individual on this planet who would ever dream of foisting this 11th-hour piece of legislation onto the American public: Satan."
Most of Lamborn's Republican colleagues in both chambers agreed.
"It's basically AIDS wrapped in cancer-coated genocide," remarked avuncular Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) regarding the embedded provision.
"I don't so much blame Obama the man nearly as much as I blame the evil spirits that pervade his soul," said Mike Pence (R-IN). "It's literally as if Stalin and Slobodan Milosovic were fused in a laboratory, mated with Medusa, and had their child raised by Bin Laden."
When informed of his new task, Bilweki, who has been teaching A.P. Government and A.P. World History for the past 16 years - during which time he has received national acclaim - said he embraced the challenge.
"If I can adapt to special needs kids being mainstreamed into A.P. Civics classes," said a sanguine Bilweki, "I can probably handle adults who already possess some working knowledge of government and a clear understanding of social decorum. I mean, it's not like any of them have turrets to where they'd just start bursting into unbridled fits of anger in the middle of one of my lectures."
The first student added to Bilweki's class roster was Iowa Senator Charles Grassley, who, at various point during the health care debate, linked palliative counseling to "pulling the plug on grandma."
When apprised of the senior Iowa senator's comments, Bilweki responded that Grassley's presence in his classroom would not be a problem. "I've had lots of kids who are mentally handicapped," said Bilweki. "We'll just make sure Mr. Grassley has an aide and all the accommodations he needs to be a happy, successful young man."
Said another one of Bilweki's incoming students, Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY), "As a student of History, our current president's method of governance is strikingly reminiscent of Pol Pot's brutal regime from the 1600s. That was until, of course, the Etruscans took over Babylonia. And then the axis powers - and Stalin with the Huguenots..." Looking lost and frightened, Bunning swallowed and wiped sweat from his brow. "You get the idea," he said, shuffling away and mumbling: "Tired. So tired..."
With his new students on hand, Bilweki opened his classroom to reporters Thursday and launched into an opening activity that he refers to as "diagnostics."
"Okay, class, settle down," Bilweki said, erasing his white board clean. "Now, who can tell me what they know about the rise of Nazi Germany's Third Reich?
"Death panels!" yelled Grassley.
"Yes, there were death panels. And what else?"
"Socialism!" shouted former Alaska governor Sarah Palin.
"No. Not really," responded Bilweki while furtively gesturing to Palin's court-appointed teacher's aide, who dutifully redirected the former Alaska governor's focus back to the task on hand.
"Before we continue," said Bilweki, "do we all know what we're saying when we use the term 'Socialism' or that something possesses Socialistic elements?"
"Hitler!" yelled FOX analyst Sean Hannity.
"What about Hitler?" questioned Bilweki.
"Death panels!"
"Yes, thank you Mr. Grassley. How about we hear from someone else. Thoughts on Socialism"
"Take our country back!" yelled conservative pundit Glenn Beck to his new instructor.
"No, I - Wait...what?" Frazzled and bewildered, the four-time National Teacher of the Year suddenly appeared lost in his own classroom,
"Kill...the...bill!" shouted a gravelly voice from the back of the class. It was none other than Arizona Senator John McCain. Others quickly joined in: "Kill...the...bill! Kill...the...bill!"
"Quiet!" yelled Bilweki, frantically flipping the lights on and off in an attempt to regain control of his class. "Let's just skip ahead. Mr. Neugebaur, what can you tell us about some of the consequences of Roe v. Wade?"
"Baby killer!" bellowed the Texas congressman.
"Well, okay, that's a matter of opinion -"
"You lie!" shouted a voice from the back of the classroom.
"Mr. Wilson, will you kindly sit down!"
"Mr. Bilweki?"
"Ah, Ms. Palin! What would you like to contribute?"
"Can I call you Bill?"
"No. You can call me Mr. Bilweki. Anything else?"
"Can I go to the bathroom?"
Less than twenty minutes into the period, a defeated Bilweki drooped his head and muttered, "Grab the pass."
Surrounded by members of the press following Thursday's class, a pale and disheveled Bilweki said, "And you guys wonder why we need two months off."
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I spit out half of my dinner reading that line