Republicans to Unveil Original Thought at Friday Press Conference

04/06/2010 05:12 am 05:12:01 | Updated May 25, 2011

In a stunning development Monday, House Minority Leader Rep. John H. Boehner (R-OH) announced that the Republican Party will roll out its first original idea in over a year this week.

After convening with fellow Republican Congressional leaders at a Baltimore retreat this past weekend - dubbed Thought Summit '10 - Boehner will unveil the GOP's new idea as part of a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a Tijuana, Mexico Tu Madres Taquería, Cantina, and Gentlemen's Club on Friday.

Said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), "It's important for us to showcase our idea beyond the stench of the money-grubbing special interests and business-as-usual culture within the Washington beltway. Plus, a whole bunch of these guys have never seen a three-legged Doberman before."

The House Republican Caucus worked feverishly through the weekend to finally hash out a lucid, cohesive thought. According to some members, such a quick turnaround, even for a party known for shelving its differences, is rare.

"Having the team-builders this time around helped," said Rep. Jerry Lewis of California. "Normally, it takes a while for people to get comfortable in big groups. I think that's been especially true this weekend because, let's face it: When you're sitting across the table from Doug Lamborn, you're soaring where eagles fly."

Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, ranking minority member on the House Committee on Energy and Commerce, agreed. "There's definitely a palpable "wow" factor here. I know the Left's supposedly the party of celebrity, but look around: How can one not be awed by such giants of politics as Jeff Flake, Dana Rohrabacher, and Walter B. Jones?"

Proudly displaying a dog-eared brochure, covered in a bevy of fresh autographs, Barton added, "In fact, I just got (Arizona Rep.) Trent Franks' signature, which is incredibly rare. He did call me an enemy of humanity, but it was well worth it."

While Cantor recruited a group of professional team-builders, the biggest impact was felt by world renown "danger juggler" Johnny "Eight Fingers" Eggars, who wowed the Republicans by juggling deadly objects while delivering partisan one-liners.

"What do you call a liberal with no spine?" barked Eggars, while juggling eight Hanzo swords and two loaded Uzis. "Mr. President!"

For his finale, Eggars, balanced on one leg atop a teetering 20-foot ladder while juggling 30-pound dumbbells dipped in acid. He then brought the house down with one last stab at the President:

"I can still recall listening to Obama's inauguration last year and him saying something about the need to find some new tools for communicating between parties. I'll bet you didn't think he'd bring a hammer and sickle!"

With their inhibitions ameliorated by Eggars' act, the Congressional leadership then convened in a nearby bungalow to begin its first brainstorming session of the weekend. Congressman Joe Wilson (R-SC) was among the group's more enthusiastic participants.

"John!" shouted Wilson. "I've got one! I've got an idea! John! John! John Boehner! John! House Minority Leader John Boehner! John Boehner! John..."

Later, Wilson, known by much of the nation for his now infamous "You lie!" outburst directed at Obama during the president's address to a joint session of Congress this past September, said he felt as though he were being ostracized by both Cantor and Boehner for past transgressions.

When asked about the nature of his idea, Wilson said, "One word: Unicorns. Not real ones, mind you - too expensive. Statues of 'em. Look, you put 300 life-sized unicorn figurines all over the Hill and shluh-bow! No more partisan bickering. But you know why these guys won't go for it? Because it makes too much damn sense!"

Boehner was initially reluctant to divulge the contents of the leaderships' impending idea, though he eventually capitulated to an insistent media.

"Obama's tax credits for small businesses will prove to be yet another insufficient and short-sighted maneuver that will prove disastrous to the business community. Which is why Eric Cantor and Mike Pence (R-IN) will be spearheading the Eat for a Lifetime initiative, in which small business owners will be given not a quick-fix tax credit per each new hire, as Obama has proposed, but instead a voucher for one complimentary order or mozzarella sticks and unlimited refills on fountain beverages - not including IBC Rootbeer or Snapple Iced Tea - at participating Applebees. "This is per visit," warned Boehner, "and is not to be combined with any additional promotions."

The Congressional Budget Office has estimated that the Republicans' proposal would cost $60 billion for fiscal 2010, as opposed to Obama's initiative, which could cost taxpayers upwards of $150 billion.

On Friday evening, prior to their first brainstorm session of the weekend in Baltimore, Cantor informed his colleagues of the coming Friday's itinerary in Tijuana, which, in addition to the Republican's announcement, will include a live sex review at Tu Madrés - "a testament to our party's ongoing commitment to family values" - a cock fight held in the basement of an abandoned Jai Lai arena, and a local sojourn to a traveling freak show.

House Republicans are optimistic that the unveiling of their original thought could have as great an impact as the three that have preceded it over the past decade: the advent of the "Drill, baby, drill!" chant, the assurance to the world that Saddam Hussein was directly linked to the 9/11 terrorist plot, and the insistence that the frequency and size of one's American Flag lapel pin is directly proportional to the degree of one's patriotism.

Said Boehner: "We might not have a lot of original thoughts, but the ones we do have make history."