THE BLOG
11/20/2012 10:56 am ET | Updated Jan 20, 2013

The War on Weather!

Considering the extreme weather events of the last decade, scientists and Liberals agree, we need to address climate change now. However, skeptical Conservatives believe there is still a debate over human impact on our planet, not that out-and-out denial is really a debate. Since they're digging their heels into the sand, which is in abundance as desertification ravages several continents, we don't have a lot time to convince these people of the science, let alone that science exists.

I propose we get Conservatives interested in Combatting Climate Change by rebranding as...

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!! (Caps and punctuation included.)

Republicans may hate science, but they love a good war. Iraq suggest, they love bad wars too. So let's get these guys excited about a war that might actually benefit mankind.

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

Rebrand and please repeat, ad nauseam. Eventually whatever Conservatives hear repeated becomes "true," regardless of facts, which in this case science also offers, but facts have never been a necessary component of Conservative talking points. We are at war!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

AMERICA WAS ATTACKED! Isabel! Katrina! Sandy! Those bitches were terrorists!

(Editorial note: It's convenient that storms are named after women, as Conservatives have been waging war on women since Biblical Times, so for at least two-thousand, but no more than heaven forbid six-thousand, years.)

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

Whoever sent these storms to our shores will feel the wrath of America's war machine!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

Arctic ice-melt means Russian ships now sail freely around the globe. Who did that? Carbon! Reduce carbon! Eliminate carbon! Terminate carbon! Russians love carbon! And those Communist hurricanes have cost our economy more than Pearl Harbor and 9-11 combined. This is war!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

Liberals think you can't shoot missiles at storm clouds, but they also think women can make rational decisions, which is ridiculous. At least one-third of our ridiculously small military budget should be focused on militarizing our efforts to fight weather. We did not declare war -- weather did!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

Although Liberals think you can not blame any specific weather event on climate change, that's too complex for the American public to understand. Conservatives blame storms on gay marriage. Tell them the polluters did it.

Blame Sandy on climate change. The U.S. has initiated wars on sovereign nations with absolutely zero evidence before. Go ahead, say BP caused Katrina! Don't worry about timelines. BP is a dirt nation, and need oil! This is America. Unless you hate guns and worship Satan, we are at war!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

The weather isn't beautiful! America is! There are no grey clouds on the sacred red, white and blue flag. The Constitution is infallible, besides those stupid anti-American amendments. You think the weather is "nice?" You aren't a Patriot! If you don't see obvious storm clouds coming over every border wall, then you're a Socialist! If you enjoy a cool summer breeze, get away from me with your gay lifestyle! TRUE AMERICANS won't stand for this -- we are at war!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

From now on, when you talk about Going Green, talk about sending in the Green Berets to lower carbon emissions! If you want to save polar bears or whales, tell SEAL Team Six who to KILL! The only marine animals that matter are the United States Marine Corps! Use the Clean Air Force to destroy air polluters! And, the Navy? Figure out your own clever word play to use them, I'm a big picture guy and my country is at war!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

If anyone challenges you ever again on our need to combat climate change, I want you to remind them that our Fore Fathers didn't sit around the Last Supper chit chatting about weather! They hated weather as much as our Lord and Savior did! Lightning had the audacity to strike when Benjamin Franklin was trying to unlock heaven's gate with Jesus' kite. That was an attack against our First Amendment right to jam America's one religion down everyone's throat! Weather is evil. It is an original member of the "Elements of Evil." If you doubt any of this, think about it: Franklin kept copious notes about the traitorous weather in Wealthy Richard's Almanac.

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

If you're a mamby-pamby Liberal, right now you're thinking this trailed off to insanity. You probably started thinking about actual climate science and hoped I'd cite data, studies or real information. I knew you would because you're Liberal and hate America and think the entire world, even outside the borders of our great and only amazing country, needs to fit into some sort of logical argument. Well, I don't have time for your homo-erotic fantasies, the nation is at war!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!!

U.S.A!!!

THE WAR ON WEATHER!!! U.S.A!!!
THE WAR ON WEATHER!!! U.S.A!!!
THE WAR ON WEATHER!!! U.S.A!!!