05/22/2009 02:23 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Just When You Thought It Was Safe


He's baaaa-aaack!

Up from the primordial ooze from whence he sprang--and fresh from an extended vacay at Club Med Hades (wake- and water-boarding included!)--comes Dick Cheney, aka Dick the Impaler, our grumbling, bumbling, behated former President.

Did you honestly think His Dickness would go gently into that good night? This guy doesn't do gentle. His idea of relaxation is putting his gardener on the rack for messing up the hedges. Apparently, "Minister of Discipline" at the McLean Country Club wasn't a big enough challenge for the man. Now he has a mission: to shout from the rooftops (or the Fox News Channel, or any other network with an empty chair and a clip-on mike) about something that's been near and dear to his damaged heart for more than seven years: harsh interrogation methods (or what you liberal pansies out there call "torture"). Have you heard Dick's new theme song? "I'd Like To Teach The World To Scream."

Well, we hate to say we told you so, but...we told you so. More than a year ago, we uncovered Dick's passion for punishment in our prescient yet somehow underappreciated faux-children's book, Young Dick Cheney: Great American (AlterNet Books), an often shocking, frequently touching, clearly unauthorized biography of the most powerful Dick ever to inhabit the Vice Presidency. If you don't think this investigative childhood memoir of the Marquis de Dick hit the nail on the head (or, as Dick would prefer, into the head), check out this passage from Chapter 16 of the book:

Within weeks of their election to the student government, President Donny and Vice President Dick instituted a new disciplinary system. Students with behavioral problems were no longer sent to the cafeteria after the dismissal bell, but instead were relocated to a small shack behind a drainage ditch, half a mile away.

"Yessiree, we're calling it Detention-o Bay," Donny announced to the student body, as Dick slipped him index cards with the speech written on them. "But I don't want you to think of Detno as a place of punishment. Golly, no--it's a place of fairness. A hall of justice, where honor, tradition and nipple-electrodes come together!"

Spooky, isn't it?

Not only is Young Dick Cheney: Great American packed with (hilarious) anecdotal evidence of the former Veep's creepiness; it also includes the inside scoop on Dick's mysterious heart ailment; the sneaky antics of his wily crony, Scooter; and startlingly intimate revelations about Young Dick's high school sweetheart, Lynne, that'll have you squirming in your seat. Or barfing.

Get your copy of Young Dick Cheney: Great American, right here or here or here (the latter at AlterNet Books' special Economic Crisis Sale price of $9.00). Or get two copies--one for yourself, and one for your favorite torturer. But whatever you do, just get the damn book. We don't want to have to tell you we told you so again.

To read more about the explosive Young Dick Cheney: Great American, click on the images below....