11/09/2005 03:36 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Who's Up? Who's Down?

The latest winners and losers in America's ever-changing news cycle.

Who's Up? Samuel Alito
While Smilin' Sam makes courtesy calls on moderate Democrats ("Shalom, Senator Lieberman! Such a beautiful tie you're wearing!"), former law clerks and self-described "liberal" judges tell the media that ideology played no role in any of Alito's decisions. If you listen closely, you can hear Ben Nelson caving quicker than the '05 Astros.

Who's Down? Samuel Alito's hair
With the wispy, wiry texture of a Piping Plover's nest -- and a bald spot the size of Denny Hastert -- Alito's decomposing 'do makes Rudy Giuliani's old comb-over look downright sexy. (Note to da Judge: Call Joe Biden re: plugs.)