A Straight Talk Express cleaning lady today sold several crumpled pages outlining Sen. John McCain's script for tonight's third and final presidential debate, which she had found stuck to a takeout pizza box on the floor, to an unnamed member of the media elite.
Anxious to do everything in his power to sabotage the Republican war hero's campaign, the nattering nabob of negativity immediately turned over the documents to The Washington Independent.
- "Go after O. for having a bank account, linking him as crony of greedy Wall Street tycoons. Two-faced hypocrite should put all his $$$ in mattress like Cindy and me. In fact we have stuffed all 32 mattresses in our 10 homes with cash."
- "Slip in -- real casual -- question: why hasn't O. told truth about his 9/11 role? Was only six states away from one of the airplane hijackers in 2000 and did nothing."
-"Complain to moderator that O. keeps looking at me during debates, giving "evil eye" notorious among certain tribes in Indonesia, where he grew up."
- "Express outrage that O.'s tax plan fails to even mention relief for gypsies with 20 or more dependents earning less than $250,000 per year and filing from overseas."
- "O. is not a maverick."
- "Keep punching away at O.'s shady connection with fellow Chicagoan Al Capone. Only proof Capone is actually dead is one yellowing piece of paper -- (don't mention it's his death certificate.)"
- "Repeat rumor that O. plays basketball like a girl."
- "Challenge O. to prove wife Michelle wasn't member of Manson Family."
- "Announce discovery of dinosaur bones in basement of Toledo, Ohio, department store, proving earth is less than 100 years old. (Check with Sarah P's team first.)"
- "Challenge O. to name all nine starting players on the 1945 Chicago Cubs World Series losers. Only pretends to be a sports fan to curry voter favor."
- "Announce that veep nominee Sarah P. will be shot into space on a rocket as an accelerated way of getting to know the world and will see countries stay-at-home O. has never even bothered to visit."
- "Take my pills right before debate starts."
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of "All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall" and "Zany Afternoons."
This post originally appeared at The Washington Independent.