THE BLOG
11/06/2009 03:17 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

America Needs More Guns

Let's face it. We need more guns.

We know the criminals have them. That's how we can tell they're criminals. That guy pointing a gun at you? Probably a criminal. Unless, of course, he's a cop. They have guns too. But they usually wear uniforms and let you know they're a cop by yelling out something like, "Police! Stop!" Unless, of course, he's an undercover cop. He could be an undercover cop. Unless, of course, he's just an ordinary citizen, and he feels threatened. It could be that. But, probably, he's a criminal.

So, there are criminals, citizens, cops, security guards, body guards and any number of pseudo cop-like people with guns. We have guns in our homes, guns on our streets, guns in our national parks, guns in our airplanes, guns in the hands of our children and guns where drunk people hang out. Occasionally, we have guns at our political rallies, guns on our NFL players and soon, hopefully, on Amtrak.

But, still, we do not appear to have enough guns. The tragic shooting yesterday on our largest military base indicates that even when almost everyone in the vicinity has access to a gun, we are still not safe. Just one day later, the latest disgruntled employee rampage demonstrates that people aren't even safe in a state where you can own a gun, carry it in public and shoot anyone you think is dangerous.

So, with guns everywhere, what are we to do to protect ourselves? The answer is simple. Guns are not everywhere. Guns are in lots of places, but they are certainly not everywhere. We can change that.

We can begin by installing guns on every floor of every building, residential and commercial, churches and schools, like fire extinguishers. Break glass. Remove gun. Shoot the bad guy. But we cannot be sure that someone will be able to get to these guns in time. So, we should develop new technologies that embed computer controlled guns in walls. Giant supercomputers would then determine if a threat warrants retaliation and, if so, would automatically aim and discharge the firearms.

The same auto-fire mechanisms should be installed in trees in our parks, lampposts overlooking our streets and lifeguard stands on our beaches. You know what might be cool? Maybe we could even find a way to attach them to birds. Though we'd have to be careful to only use pigeons and sparrows; not ducks. We wouldn't want them firing back at duck hunters. As an added bonus, developing these technologies will be a boon to our economy. We'd get personal and economic security wrapped up in one program.

Undoubtedly, some tree hugging, soft on crime, Second Amendment hating lefty will use today's latest tragic shooting to, once again, make a case for what they'll call sensible gun laws. But do not listen (as if anyone will). The right answer is not less guns, but more. For the last decade, politicians and the NRA have been making it easier and easier for people in almost every state to obtain, carry and use guns, and yet our criminal gun violence is not stopping, or even slowing. It seems to be getting worse, actually. So, if what we're doing is not working, the answer is clear. Do more of it. Much, much more.