Conversations With God: The Christmas Edition

12/20/2010 02:06 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A few years ago I read David Neale Walsch's, Conversations With God. Ok, I watched the movie, but the following week I checked out the book at the library and read a little more than half. Not bad at all! The movie was far more dramatic and followed David from homelessness to an Aha-Moment (TM 2007, Oprah) where he hears God's voice and begins transcribing the golden information on paper. We know it was God because it was not only clever, but resulted in a million dollar book deal.

I've decided that God is speaking to me as well and would like to share the wisdom I've been gleaning.

#1. God doesn't want to be called "The Universe" anymore. He prefers just "God".

#2. God feels weird about being referred to as a she. He says he's definitely a he.

#3. Whenever atheists say "I don't believe in God," God giggles because he knows they're just mad about something.

#4. People who are circumcising girls because God told them to via ancient divine writings are wrong. People who are circumcising boys because God told them to via ancient divine writings are good listeners.

#5. 10% is really just a jumping off point for tithing. Bare minimum. He wishes he would have specified that.

#6. When professional athletes pray to win games, God just hums loudly and waits for it to be over.

#7. Your "End Hunger" sign is doing nothing. There's enough food in the world. REDISTRIBUTE

#8. Leggings are not pants.

#9. God has nothing to do with most rags to riches stories. Riches to rags stories on the other hand are so him!

#10. Just because it's printed on money doesn't make it so. The whole world has been blessed. Not just the countries with Starbucks and an alarming ratio of televisions to square feet.

#10b. God likes how "blessed" and "paid" have become synonymous. The presence of God is much like direct deposit, actually.

#11. How much God is in your religious institution can be easily measured by noting the presence of a coffee/gift shop or an official logo. More is more.

#12. "The whole Bible was a metaphor, did I not say that? Ooos, haha! LOL. OMG LOL." -email from God.

Merry Christmas!