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Bunmi Laditan Headshot

How to Raise A Perfect Child

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READING BABY
KidStock via Getty Images

In case you didn't know, there is only one way to parent. Deviating from the right way will result in kids who are not only unhealthy, unintelligent, and immoral, but will grow up to be lower middle class, and isn't that what we all truly fear the most? Children who grow up without unprecedented material success? Life has proven over and over again that the path to fulfillment is paved with higher education and regular promotions. If you say you want all of the above for your little ones, it's time to take action.

Despite what common sense might say, there are not an a variety of ways to raise good children. There is only one. And I know it. And you don't. So I'm going to educate you (you're welcome).

If you're interested in finding out what this perfect parenting model looks like, commit to memory the following instructions.

HOW TO PARENT THE RIGHT WAY

1. PREGNANCY

Rest, paired with vigorous exercise is key when growing a precious baby in your womb. This is a time in your life when you need to relax, but also push your muscles to the max in order to prepare for labor and remain slim in the face.

What many women don't realize is that your thimble-sized little one is affected by your thought process. A recent study showed that 99 percent of women who experienced stress during their pregnancies gave birth to children with dog faces. Some of them were cute breeds, but don't you want a child with a human face?

Banish all negativity from your life. Eliminate work stress. Bring all of your relationships to a state of harmony. Even the simplest of arguments or street traffic can have an adverse effect on your growing child. If you cannot find peace in your daily life, it's imperative that you check into a resort until your due date. Find an all-inclusive vacation destination in North America. Traveling south of the border right now is risky when it comes to your health. Older children are an enormous cause of stress so while you will need to leave them behind, feel free to write to them weekly.

Take an organic, whole food prenatal vitamin each and every day. Buying one off of the shelf is an option for parents-to-be who like their kids, but if you plan on loving your future children, have vitamins created for you by a microbiologist based on your body's specific genetic makeup. A series of labs tests will reveal the nutrients and enzymes your body needs to grow the optimum baby. This whole process, vitamins included, will cost no more than $30,000 which is a steal, considering it is an investment in your baby's health.

Please don't even consider a $10 bottle of drugstore vitamins. Independent testing revealed that these are nothing but hardened monkey dung.

During pregnancy is it essential that you stay hydrated. Do not carry around one of those popular plastic water bottles that create a toxic pudding out of all liquids. Invest in a clay pot and sip from it liberally with a marble spoon. Take your clay pot and marble spoon with you everywhere and refill it from your sea glass decanter of triple-filtered mountain mineral-enriched river water.

Have you seen the documentary "Messages in Water"? We now have proof that water molecules change based on positive or negative vibes. Speak words of love to your H2O.

Examples:

"Water. Nourish my growing baby's brain cells that he or she might use them to make six figures one day."

"Water. Flush my amniotic fluid to create an environment so pristine for my sweet fetus that he or she will be predisposed to buying in gated communities."

During pregnancy you should avoid the following foods:

  • Fast food
  • Sodium
  • Sugar
  • Phallic shaped fruits of vegetables (They frighten and sexualize the unborn. They are basically produce pornography)
  • If you're having a girl, stay away from pink foods. What if she wants blue or green? Nutrition does not have a gender.
  • Genetically modified ingredients
  • Geriatricly modified ingredients (Don't let old people cook for you)
  • Soft cheeses
  • Ice that is more than 6 weeks old
  • Lunch meats
  • Meat from depressed animals
  • Imported foods
  • Alcohol
  • Meals made by people who consume alcohol
  • All fish
  • Birds of prey
  • Iceberg lettuce

This is just a short list. The safest thing you can do while pregnant is to immediately stop eating foods that you have not grown yourself. Have the soil in your home garden tested by an independent lab to make sure it is not full of harmful chemicals. Don't work in the garden while pregnant as you need to be resting, exercising, and journaling.

Other activities to avoid while pregnant:

  • Pumping gas
  • Catching the scent of gasoline (this causes your placenta to immediately move two inches to the right)
  • Living with 30 miles of gas station
  • Being near or seeing microwaves
  • Using technology (Resting a laptop computer on your baby bump is the equivalent of sky diving with no parachute while pregnant)
  • Talking to people with accents other than yours (this confuses baby and makes it think you've been kidnapped. Baby will be born very late and stressed out.)
  • Rocking chairs (Babies get seasick and can throw up inside of you)

Note about ultrasounds: These can be helpful to determine sex, but repeated use can result in a baby with no sex at all. Yes, there have been reports of babies being so offended by their parents' race to determine whether they were a boy or girl that they disappeared their own genitalia as a mode of protest. Science calls this "Infantile Private Part Reabsorption."

If you're exposing yourself to radiation in the name of a 4D ultrasound by "technician" who also sells Mary Kay out of the trunk of her car and attends community college, I weep for your child.

2. BIRTH

Congratulations! It's time for your birth.

Home births are best because every child deserves a peaceful, spiritual entry into the world. Hospitals are cold, full of rat hair, and will push intervention after intervention on you with a goal of lining their pockets.

Should your home birth go wrong, you will need a hospital lest you be blamed for whatever happens. This is why we suggest living inside of a hospital so that your home birth is actually a hospital birth. Hire a realtor and let them know you're looking for a mid-sized affordable hospital in your area. Most cost between $150-300 million dollars. You can make payments. Once you've moved in, take the penthouse suit. On the day of your baby's birth, you will be able to labor in the comfort of your own home with all of the modern amenities of a fully functional health care institution.

3. RAISING YOUR BABY

The decision to be a stay-at-home mom or working mom is monumental. On one side, being a stay-a-home mom ensures that your children will be loved and not raised by strangers who could very well be criminals with malicious intent. That said, working mothers provide an example of successful (ie. not lazy) women who are not squandering their brains and educations.

Whatever you end up doing, make it the right choice so that your children are not harmed emotionally or physically. Your actions shape their life.

Breastfeeding is beautiful. If you are not doing it, please prepare a 5-10 minute presentation explaining your neglect to strangers. It's the least you can do. You may want to prepare some kind of video explanation for your child as well so when he or she is being treated for the disease that breastfeeding could have prevented, they will have something to comfort them in the hospital.

The most important thing to know about breastfeeding is that you are now a bag of food for your child and must top yourself to the brim with goodness. Do not:

  • Smoke
  • Drink (alcohol pickles milk)
  • Swear (profanity is a natural milk rottening agent)
  • Drive (milk may be harmed)
  • Or eat any common allergens

If you are formula feeding, do whatever you want. Little matters now. The good news is that many babies have risen above their formula childhoods to achieve great things. Some of these notable characters include:

Ranshackle Ford. A serial killer turned prison librarian.

Gilespie Urain. Notorious cat kicker. At age 90, he changed his ways and began petting cats instead of drop kicking them over fences. His dying words were, "I just wanted breastmilk. I just wanted to know love."

Anything is possible.

A few more miscellaneous parenting words of wisdom:

- Keep your house clean. Kids shouldn't be raised in a trashcan. Your home is a reflection of your heart. Is it neat and tidy or full of crap?

- Focus on your kids, not your home. They won't remember the mess but they will remember your neglect and the trashcan smell will haunt their most intimate moments.

- Vaccines

- Princess toys almost guarantee that your daughter will grow up to carry an enormous amount of credit card debt. Rather than letting her memorize "Part of Your World," help her to commit the US Constitution to memory.

- Don't send your child to public school. Only Waldorf/Montessori/homeschooling/ or $5,000/month private schools will do. Then again someone has to work at the gas station.

- Be rich. Kids need stuff to be happy. If your family doesn't go on regular vacations your child is pretty much a modern day Oliver Twist.

- Don't even think about installing that carseat yourself.

Good luck. You can (maybe) do this.

Bunmi is the author of The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting.

"I laughed my face off." -Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess

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