How I Learned To Stop Suffering

When I was in my early forties, I slept with a loaded gun under my bed. I'd become severely depressed in my thirties, and for almost a decade I spiraled down into paranoia, rage, self-loathing, and thoughts of suicide. I weighed more than two hundred pounds (I'm 5'5"), and for the last two years I was often unable to leave my bedroom. Then, one morning in February 1986, out of nowhere, I experienced a realization. In an instant, I discovered that when I believed my stressful thoughts, I suffered, but when I questioned them, I didn't suffer. I also discovered a simple way of questioning stressful thoughts. I call it "The Work." I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.

Suffering is optional. The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with reality. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want.

If you want reality to be different than it is right now, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, "Meow." You can spend the rest of your life trying to teach a cat to bark.

If you pay attention, you'll notice that you're continually trying to teach cats to bark. "People should be kinder." "My children should be better behaved." "My husband (or wife) should agree with me." "I should be thinner (or prettier or more successful)." These thoughts are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is. If you think that sounds depressing, you're right.

People new to The Work often say to me, "But it would be disempowering to stop my argument with reality. If I simply accept reality, I'll become passive. I may even lose the desire to act." I answer them with a question: "Can you really know that that's true?" Which is more empowering, "I wish I hadn't lost my job" or "I lost my job; what can I do now?"

The Work reveals that what you think shouldn't have happened, should have happened. It should have happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn't mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle.

No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to argue with them and think of ourselves as victims of reality? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don't know how to stop.

I don't ever want anything to happen except what's happening. For example, my ninety-year-old mother was dying of pancreatic cancer. I was taking care of her, cooking and cleaning for her, sleeping beside her, living in her apartment twenty-three hours a day. (My husband took me out for a walk every morning.) It was as if her breath was the pulse of my life. I bathed her, I washed her in the most personal places, I medicated her, and I felt such intimacy with her. There was no separation. That's me over there, dying of cancer, spending my last few days sleeping and watching TV and talking, medicated with the most marvelous painkilling drugs. I am amazed at the beauty and intricacies of her body, my body. And on the last day of her life, as I sat by her bedside, a shift took place in her breathing, and I know: it's only a matter of minutes now. Our eyes locked, and a few moments later she was gone. I looked more deeply into the eyes that the mind had vacated, the mindless eyes, the eyes of the no-mind, and because I can no longer believe thoughts like "Death is a bad thing" or "I've lost her," I feel only love and gratitude for her. There's not a trace of sorrow. And in the three years since her death, I'm still waiting for sorrow to happen.

A man sticks a pistol into my stomach, pulls the hammer back, and says, "I'm going to kill you." I am shocked that he is taking his thoughts so seriously. He doesn't understand that the thought of killing causes guilt, which can lead to a life of suffering, so I ask him, as kindly as I can, not to do it. I don't tell him that it's his suffering I'm thinking of. He says that he has to do it, and I understand; I remember believing that I had to do things in my old life. I thank him for doing the best he can, and I notice that I'm fascinated. Is this how she dies? Is this how the story ends? As the joy continues to fill me, I find it miraculous that the story is still going on. You can never know the ending, even as it ends. I am very moved at the sight of sky, clouds, and moonlit trees. I love that I don't miss one moment, one breath, of this amazing life. I wait. And wait. And in the end, he doesn't pull the trigger. He doesn't do that to himself.

Comments

[doubtintom]

I'm glad that Katie got some good outreach by blogging, but I personally think that reading about The Work is nothing compared to experiencing The Work. Go to thework.com and check out any of the dozen videos and you'll have a much better grasp of who she is and what she does.

It is said that anyone can learn to ask the questions and do The Work for themselves and others. Still, Katie's own personal genius in facilitating the technique is a large part of the inspiration and value. She is not just someone who wrote a book. She personifies what she teaches, yet is not a self-proclaimed guru. She has done her work, teaches from a place of deep experience, and can take a person through life-changing transformations in a few minutes.

Intellectually debating Byron Katie without experiencing her work may not be a good use of time. Would you rather be right or happy?

Disclaimer: I've experienced BK via her videos and people she has trained. And I'm not a BK follower or "one way to heal" type of person.

[stever777]

I read Katie's book 3 months ago, saw her YouTube videos, and was intrigued enough to attend her 9-day school.

* Everything she said at the School was utterly consistent with not-being-attached to her thoughts and stories.

* Financially, I was paying close attention to her business. She only sold product for one lunch hour (!) during the 9 days. She also ran a workshop that wasn't cheap to produce and didn't charge much for it (roughly $300/day gross, cheap for a workshop of this intensity). She doesn't seem to be in it for the money by any stretch of imagination.

* She isn't advocating passive acceptance. My understanding is Katie means, "Your house burned down. It's gone. You can be houseless in anger or at peace. Your choice." Either way, future fireproofing is just fine.

The key is whether you suffer to motivate the fireproofing. You could motivate yourself with fear("Omigod! What if little Susie burn to a crisp, screaming horribly in her bed? Quick! Call the fireproofers!!"). Or, you could motivate it from a positive place. ("Gee, I love this house. Let's fireproof it so I can keep loving it for a long time.") Katie advocates noticing your thinking and motivating yourself from a positive place.

[davy]

How nice to run across a bit of wisdom in the post. Reminds me of a book I read called, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, by a lovely Scotsman, David Hamilton. No more victim, o the sweet practice of "non attachment". WE REALLY COULD BE HAVING A LOT OF FUN, really. :-)

[LordMoon]

Yes it's true ideas don't exist unless we believe in them. Unless we identify with them.

Like actors on a stage, all ideas crave identification so they can exist.

Who is who?

[wadenelson1]

Ken Keys "sold" an equivalent "American Translation" of Buddhism back in the 1980's.

Handbook to Higher Consciousness was the title.

[Wiredwilly]

Congratulations ! You have stumbled onto the Dharma !

[Anastasia]

Re: Also, how can you say something like "I don't ever want anything to happen except what's happening"?

Perhaps it's the way in which she expresses the idea, that makes it confusing. It may sound overly simple, but I think what she is trying to say is that, by constantly trying to separate the good from the bad in life, we suffer needlessly. Acceptance of things beyond our control is the key.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't feel sad. But by raging against fate (and wallowing in the feelings) we make ourselves more unhappy and less able to cope.

We've been conditioned to believe, especially in the last 40 years, that each one of us is the center of the universe and that we shouldn't have to put up with anything that doesn’t fit our ideal. Bad stuff happening is part of the tapestry of life. We can no more escape sorrow than we can escape growing old.

[Jain]

I though she was confusing/new age etc. But her book "Loving What Is" was exceptional, for me.

[jeskiley]

That's great stuff. I've never felt so sane in my life!

[Justis]

This sounds like Buddhism.
But the Dharma should be free.

[wm1066]

Oh baby, Dharma is never free!

[Justis]

Absolutely right. My mistake.

I should have said, "should not cost money."

[bullfish]

The work that Byron Katie was given and she shares with the world is revolutionary.
It is so simple and so immediately effective.
Since attending events and actually applying the work to the seemingly stressful events in my life, I have found what Katie and many others are finding. All stress, evil, anger, wrong, and negativity exists without exception in my mind.

I encourage those who "think" that this work can't be effective or real to try the work....which means identifying a stressful thought....filling out a worksheet on that thought and questioning that thought.....then see what happens.

Seems ridiculous until you try it...then becomes so perfect and clear and joyous. Its funny to look back and see I was making everything else up.

Love you all!

[Chandidevi]

This gal is making oodles of money on the teachings of the ancient Vedas (Hinduism). It is also very much a part of Science of Mind or Religious Science. She re-packaged it and her awakening was that she found a way to market these old truths. She gussied up her image and off she went with her new bag of tricks. It all works, but you don't have to do her workshop to discover the healing in acceptance. Alcoholics Anonymouse also has these very same principles.

[NoCalDrummer]

I went to one of Byron Katie's "The Work" workshops in Marin County, California about 10 years ago. My impression overall? "What a crock."
Yes, I'd agree that most of us probably DO carry too much stress. But forgiving everyone for everything is NOT the answer in every case.
One woman at the workshop got up and confessed that she'd been wronged in a situation having to do with her parent's sizable estate, in which a relative had pretty well stolen it all. Having just finished a similar battle myself (my spouse's brother tried to take their parent's entire estate) I felt much better that I'd had the chutzpah to battle the born-again "christian" brother. Although I'd had enough evidence to put him in jail, MY Christian upbringing told me to forgive him enough to just get what would have been a fair split (50/50), and not be greedy. (I admit, I'd have loved to have seen the brother being the "b-itch" in jail.) We won, and I felt much better for having stood up and faced the wrong. I also felt good that I'd not been vengeful.
Had I taken Ms. Katie's route, I'd still be fuming. Needless to say, I told the woman MY story, and gave her my lawyer's card. I hope she won, and can NOW put the issue behind her.

[realist333]

NoCalDrummer, you're comparing apples with oranges. Byron Katie isn't advocating that "turn the other cheek" notion that frustrates so many Christians. She's talking about accepting what is, as against resisting reality.
You did well to stand up to your crooked brother. That is also something to accept and not anguish over. Anger is something to accept also. When we do so the force of the emotion ebbs away.
The courageous and rewarding thing that Byron Katie has done is to examine her own self - the "I thought" - and find that there's nothing to find.

[wm1066]

I have heard that in ancient Judea, men slapped with the back of thier hands and women slapped with the palm(or was it vica versa?). So when you turned the other cheek you forced a man to slap with the palm of the hand, like a girl, and that was made to embarass the attacker, not to be submissive. This parable has been horribly distorted.

[leicbri]

I don't take what she says as a call to be passive. What I hear is that forgiving someone isn't about letting them off the hook, it's about letting yourSELF off the hook of stress. You can still be assertive and go for what you want, but you can do it with clarity and in a non-violent way. Sometimes things DON'T go the way we "want" them to...and sometimes we can sort things out, and sometimes we can't. What I hear Katie say is that, on those occasions when we just can't change things, we have the power to question our negative thoughts, and reach a point of peace - without requiring reality to be different to how it is. As she says - argue with reality, you lose.

[bethinCary]

You are also missing the complexities of offense V harm. a person should be allowed to have their feelings-they are after all human. To deny such feelings,anger frustrations, fear..can be productive. To simply ZEN an attacker with a gun away is absurd. There is an inborn "fight or flight" prerogitive in all of us. Not always a good thing-until one tries to rationalize the whys of it-to overcome it.
Had our Founding Fathers not gotten mad enough about being unfairly taxed by England-we may not be our own independent country right now.
This is a case of using those emotions and going into action. I fear where we would be-had our Founding Fathers not acted-and instead behaved individually looking at themselves for "offense" or suffering. Somehow I don't think it would have turned out the same way.

[realist333]

Not so, bethinCary. Byron Katie isn't denying anything, least of all her own feelings. Nor is she advocating simplistic non-violence. If she were a black belt martial arts expert she would act differently toward the man with the pistol. She's only accepting the reality of that moment as she herself experiences it. And there's no other way for her to experience it. The same is true for us all.
The Founding Fathers acted as they needed to act. If they had done so without stewing over their motives, they'd have been on the same page as Ms. Katie. But I suspect that they probably did agonize unnecessarily, wondering whether it wouldn't be better to stay put and become some kind of oversize Canada.
It's easy to project our own prejudices into a blog like this one. We need to read what she really says.

[bethinCary]

I'm not projecting my own prejudices.
I'm saying that to be passive-especially in light of everything going on politically- may not be the best option because maybe what is needed right now is activism-not passivism.
Even the Burmese monks took to the streets on their own behalf of the injustices done to them by thier govt.-perhaps necessary to force the issue onto the world stage to gain the attention they've probably needed for years(of being passive).
Katies teachings may also have alot to do with the fact that she assumes the other people you deal with are rational too. In a perfect world-if people had consciouses they are aware of-it would work. I just think there are too many people without consciouses these days.
As far as "the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with reality". The reality is much scarier under Cheney/GW than my thoughts could ever imagine-to the world and us. I CHOOSE NOT to be afraid-but I do still have anger-and frankly I want that anger because I think it's more productive than NOT having it.

[karma namdak]

Byron, you're right about one thing: we shouldn't take our thoughts so seriously. At the same time, you seem to imply that that's so simple... for most people it's not at all. I'm glad if you suddenly just got it and no longer suffer, but your tone implies that it's just so darn easy! YOU may not suffer, but you lack understanding of the complexity of The Problem for 99% of humanity.

Also, how can you say something like "I don't ever want anything to happen except what's happening"? So if some nut shows up at your local mall and starts gunning people down, you don't want anything to happen except that?! You wouldn't prefer that perhaps somebody stop him?

Your analogy about trying to teach a cat to bark... that's simply absurd. Thinking that you or your spouse should perhaps lose a few pounds isn't the same as teaching a cat to bark. One thing is impossible, the other is very possible!

Your message has a big hole in the middle. We shouldn't always accept reality "just at it is"; sometimes things need to change for the good of all. But we also shouldn't freak out because things are not exactly as we think they should be. Our vision of how life should be should constantly evolve, we should regard it as a moving target, not absolute.

What we can change for the better, we should, but we shouldn't obsess about the future and beat ourselves up in the process. Action without striving is the goal, not simply "accepting reality", whatever that means!

[lefty2026]

I don't think she intended to say that nothing should ever be changed. She gives an example about loosing one's job. She can't change that it has been lost, so she accepts it and moves on. She does not say that she has lost her job and should never take any action to change her unemployed status. That would just be silly.

In your gunman example, she advocates for not being a victim and pitying your unfortunate circumstances. She thinks, "A gunman is shooting, what can I do?" Maybe it's attempt to stop him, maybe she pulls a child out of harms way. She doesn't waste time wishing it wasn't happenning because it is and getting upset is not helpful.

Good thoughts Byron... Reminds me of a saying my grandma kept on her fridge, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

[cleareyes]

Good stuff. This is Buddhism 101. Pain is unavoidable, but suffering (the incessant churning in the head) is optional. The joy is in finding the balance between setting goals (and working towards it) and trying to control life and every outcome in our life. The joy is in not having preferences for tomorrow brings. In short, do what the moment requires and let go of the expectations. It’s all in the head!