Happy DLSTD To You!

04/07/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

My favorite holiday is Daylight Savings Time Day (DLSTD). Nothing unites a country more than three hundred million of its citizens simultaneously asking "What fucking time is it?!"

Like Christmas*, the "real meaning" of DLSTD has nothing to do with my enjoyment of the holiday. People say there are environmental, economic, and health concerns associated with DLSTD - but I couldn't tell you what they are.

Something to do with farmers.

Like the very first Easter, controversy surrounded the very first DLSTD. Robertson Davies, an old dead white guy I just discovered on Wikipedia, angrily boycotted DLSTD, calling it "the bony, blue-fingered hand of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy and wise in spite of themselves."

Bullshit, Davies. Aside from roleplaying, I can't envision an instance when I'd allow a Puritan's bony finger to push me in -- or out -- of bed. And I gave up on the pursuit of health, wealth and wisdom long ago.

Like a good sneeze, DLSTD provides the populous with a brief respite from an otherwise monotonous, ordinary weekend. Sure, there's mass confusion - but it's the charming, "what the heck is going on?" type of hysteria. Like when the dog farts.

We take on DLSTD together. Protocol is explained via word of mouth -- The Department of Homeland Security's website offers no DLSTD information because no such information is required.

(Incidentally, we're currently at an Elevated Threat Level -- Yellow. So act, and react, accordingly. Remember duct tape!)

I learned last year that on DLSTD my computer's digital clock never reads 02:00 exactly. It instead jumps from 01:59:59.9 to 03:00:00. Cool.

Time doesn't really matter today, so blow off those brunch plans you drunkenly agreed to last night. You've got a terrific excuse.

Happy DLSTD to you.

*and Labor Day and Presidents Day