Ann Coulter's (Sexual) Positions

Ann Coulter's Jaw Wired Shut

Ann Coulter is the butt of one of the more wildly popular -- and hideously base -- blogs on the Internet these days.

The blog, which has found a receptive worldwide audience in less than a month's time, goes by the name "I F**ked Ann Coulter In the A**, Hard" (the asterisks are mine). It is written by someone, possibly an L.A. hipster, who identifies himself as Bachem Macuno, which I suspect is a pseudonym to protect the absurdly talented.

Taken as a whole, Macuno's work is vile, distasteful, and morally repugnant. It is shot-through with a diversity of sexual perversions. What's more, the site constitutes an offense against the very notion that a civil society must be undergirded by a strain of common decency.

I highly recommend it.

And did I mention the sexual perversions?

People will come at this from different angles, but I think I F**ked Ann Coulter In the A**, Hard is a satirical work of middle-brow political genius. (I also think blogster Macuno has a fine ear for language. It's the "comma, Hard" in the title that tips us off from the start that this blog will be an uncommon delight.)

So, what do readers find at IFACITA,H? An unblushing, balls-out fantasy of the author's first encounter with Ms. Coulter, whom he meets, serendipitously, at L.A.'s Farmer's Market. Seated at a table near the Gumbo Pot, the two strike up a snappy conversation in which Coulter immediately reveals herself to be 1) a bumptious social conservative and 2) a more-than-willing sackmate.

The couple promptly repairs to the author's apartment -- in the familiar storytelling custom of crass porn films, there's not much of a segue between scenes -- whereupon the evil (and disgusting and ... fascinating) goings-on commence.

"With every point I expressed that ran counter to a view she held, she removed one article of clothing," writes Macuno. "Soon she sat on my couch naked, gently pulling at...." Well, never mind what she was pulling at. The point is that she was fully engaged in a couple of her presumed favorite pastimes -- scolding liberals and sleeping with the enemy.

If you're looking for elevated prose, it won't surprise you to learn that it cannot be found at IFACITA,H. What you'll find instead is a gloriously detailed narrative of one blogger's joyful romp with Ann Coulter, social ultra-conservative-cum-radicalized-TV-face-(and legs).

"Her eyes rolled up pleadingly as she threw her head down again
and again..."

"'Harder!' she begged, 'Harder!' Tell me what you think of
Chomsky!"

"'Don't. Stop!!' ... 'The top 1% [of net-income Americans] will
sell stocks at the inflated evauations to the novice
investors-by-necessity, the market will swell and crash..."

Funny stuff. But that's not the crude stuff, not by a mile. That you will have to read for yourself (and, somehow, we suspect you will, even in your busy schedule). Not to be indelicate -- although, when talking about the seemingly shameless Ann Coulter, right-wing assassin extraordinaire, how delicate can one be? -- but most of IFACITA,H is frankly far too raunchy for prime time.

We can only speculate as to what Coulter herself thinks about this blog, if she's seen it at all. The woman that Time magazine last month, in a cover story, called "possibly the most divisive figure in the public eye" is known to enjoy a robust sense of humor, even, impressively, a sense of self-irony. Maybe, then, she regards IFACITA,H as the finest piece of ribald lit she's read since the Kenneth Starr Report on the Clinton mess.

In any event, there's now more of IFACITA,H to digest. Bachem Macuno posted a sequel fantasy exactly a week ago. Chapter heading: "She's an Unsettlingly Lean, Viciously Mean, Liberal C**k-Loving Machine." Oy. I will sound like a Publishers Weekly reviewer when I report that the latest chapter is even more of a thrill ride than the original. (Actor John Cusack makes a cameo appearance!)

Are we to make of this follow-up account that Macuno is planning some sort of online Ann Coulter novella? Where's he taking this morally repellent/slap-your-thighs-hysterical experiment in social commentary?

Two predictions: Net visitors definitely will get to read Bachem Macuno's further adventures of supersextress Ann Coulter (the audience has been posting enthusiastic comments, and no writer willingly disappoints his peeps), and Coulter herself will at some point rise to assert that the character in the blog does not accurately reflect her right wing -- or even her sexual -- positions.

I can't wait.

Meanwhile, one final thought. A number of years ago I did actually have dinner with Coulter. In L.A., as a matter of fact. We had a pleasant time at an Italian eatery. But Macuno's evening -- as he recalls it -- ended more interestingly than did mine.

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