Is it Meshuga To Want My Daughter To Mesh?

TV's long-running FAMILY FEUD series isn't about a feud. "Play Together! Win Together!" the website says. The show has been around since 1976, more than half of my life and since my daughter, Tori, was only three.

The series was never about a "feud." It was a game show. My husband, Aaron Spelling, thought the title was brilliant marketing. He was right. For a long time, it even aired back-to-back with Aaron's "The Love Boat" in syndication, fitting together like love and marriage.

My life isn't a game show, but many people think I'm involved in a feud. (I'm not.)

On April 20, USA TODAY headlined a story and chart: "Rating the celebrity feuds. Some are hot, some are not."

I can only speak for my family's "feud." It's only marketing, and my daughter learned well from her genius father. I'm not feuding with my daughter. She just doesn't speak to me. And, she's a good marketer.

Also on April 20, The Independent UK headlined: "Tori and Candy Spelling: the mother of all feuds."

A week earlier, ET ONLINE quoted PEOPLE magazine for its own feud coverage: "Tori Spelling says any so-called feud between her and her mother Candy is greatly exaggerated," it began.

"It's not like we're not talking, we just haven't talked," Tori tells People. "I love my mother. I've always loved her [and] no doubt she loves me. There's no feud. We simply never meshed."

I don't know what "we simply never meshed" means. I thought we meshed well. We certainly enjoyed life together as part of a loving family.

USA TODAY furthered the marketing theory in deciding the heat of celebrity feuds:

"Though they might not be looking for a fight, stars get media heat when they are criticized publicly. What might seem like an innocuous remark could fuel a lasting feud, depending on the circumstances. USA TODAY asks Dina Sansing, Us Weekly's entertainment director, to check out the latest spats."

My daughter and I were one of four "players" on the spat chart. Our "fallout" was rated as "intense."

I read about "meshing" again in Tori's quote in USA TODAY via US WEEKLY's expert quoting PEOPLE Magazine slightly differently than ET quoted PEOPLE. (Who says celebrity media is fading? They clearly all rely on each other.)

"Tori Spelling insists that the supposed rift between her and her mother, Candy Spelling, isn't nearly as bad as it has been made out to be. 'It's not like we're not talking, we just haven't talked," the actress tells People. "I love my mother. There's no feud. We simply never meshed.'"

The other feuds, by the way, were Madonna vs. the paparazzi, Lindsay Lohan vs. Stevie Nix and Jamie Fox vs. Miley Cyrus. Who knew they were all related? Only Tori and I would have been eligible for the game show; but we're not feuding, so would we really be eligible?

I always thought it took two to feud. I think of vendettas and blood feuds and Hatfields and McCoys, not of my daughter and me.

I've told "Extra," "Access Hollywood," "The View," "20/20," Larry King, Chelsea Handler and "People" there's no feud. My daughter just refuses to speak to me, and she's using not "meshing" as the reason.

My emails and postings are filled with heartbreaking stories from other mothers and daughters who have strained relationships. I'm sorry my daughter and I do, and I hurt for the hundreds, maybe thousands, of others who've written to me to tell me their stories.

I'd love to mesh for Mother's Day and beyond. Now that my daughter has agreed with me and denied there's a feud (which was a heck of a marketing vehicle for her TV shows and books), maybe she'll define mesh for me. I'm ready. Let's mesh. This is meshuga to live this way.

 

 

Follow Candy Spelling on Twitter: www.twitter.com/cscandyland

Comments

[astleopold]

Candy,

Here's some suggestions that you may find helpful:

1. Offer to babysit on a consistent basis. Be joyful.
2. Bring home-made food items that the family will enjoy.
3. Let your daughter shine in your eyes every time you see her.
4. Hug her and tell her that she is the best thing that has ever happened to you.
5. Bend over backwards to congratulate her on her many successes. Never compete with her, its her time to shine.
6. Apologize for the hurt that she feels and own it, and until she hears it directly from you.

All the best.

[QueenofToast]

It seems almost impossible to me that anyone raised in such a privileged environment could turn out to be a normal, functioning adult. On her show, Tori appears to be funny, normal, grounded, compassionate and loving and reminds me of one of my own daughters. Candy, I don't know anything about you, but you can take comfort in the fact that you obviously did something right, Tori has heart, and that's all you should have hoped for.

[jeff01]

I hope your daughter calls you on Mother's Day. She should.

[Chip1222]

Your "feud" has sold countless magazines, resulted in numerous hits and attracted TV ratings. Not sure "not meshing" resonates with the media. Maybe someone can commission a poll to see how "intense" it would be.

Keep smiling. That's the #1 answer. She'll see you're worth meshing with.

[ThreeCentsWorth]

LOL. Happy Mother's Day, and mesh on.