09/19/2013 02:22 pm ET Updated Nov 19, 2013


Cara Paiuk

I cannot brush my hair today
There is no time, there is no way.

I have a toddler and new twins too
If I'm not wiping poop I'm giving boob.

It's not that I'm not fond of showers
I would if I could, if I had the power.

My legs are stiff, my nipples cracked
I think my whole body has been hacked.

Oh what I wouldn't do for a mani/pedi
I'd regift every gift I got from my wedding.

My teeth are rotting, my temples graying
My va-jay-jay hair is up for braiding.

I don't know what it's like to chillax
That must be why I forgot to wax.

My eyebrows are as thick as Frida's
My legs so hairy I'm protected by PETA.

I can't remember how it feels down there
Nor do I recall what it's like to care.

My lingerie is fifty shades too small
I think my husband eloped with his doll.

The kitchen's a mess; the dishes are piled
The bills are unopened and my taxes unfiled.

My toddler watches Nick Junior from morn to night
I doze and wake to its flickering light.

I haven't slept solidly since I don't know when
I pray for sleep, please Lord, amen.

My sight is hazy, and my ears are -- wait.
What's that? What's that you say?

You say... a babysitter is on the way?


I am going out today!