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The Things They Really Don't Tell You When You Have a Baby

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As an expectant mom or new mom, you have seen this list in some form before. The "things that no one tells you." Well, most of those lists are missing something. These are some of those missing gems.

1. It will take you at least five hours to watch a movie at home.

2. You will rush through all of your meals as if you were in an eating contest.

3. Sometimes, your baby will be in plain sight when you have sex. And he/she might not be sleeping. Yes, that means watching you.

4. You will compare and contrast your baby against all others and think yours is the Best. Baby. Ever.

5. Things that seem overpriced and worthless end up being what your baby loves most (Toy Bar - $34, Sophie le Giraffe - $20, Happy Baby - priceless).

6. Since your baby wants to mimic you, you will be forced to hand over expensive electronics and pray that they won't be ruined.

7. You think your parents will help out, but they won't be nearly as helpful as you hope.

8. You will become an adult and your non-adult friends will fade away.

9. You will think a lot about your relationship with your parents and notice how you are paradoxically becoming them and reacting against them.

10. No matter how great your relationship is with your spouse, you will experience more conflict than you ever did before.

11. You will be embarrassed and humbled by cleaning up poop, experiencing your child screaming in public and/or being that person who is slowing everyone down/getting in the way.

12. You will love your partner more than ever. Especially when daily sacrifices become acts of heroism.

13. You will hate your partner more than ever. Especially when you are bleary-eyed and under-appreciated. So basically, most of the time. You'll have to tap into reserves of love, patience and tolerance you never knew you had.

14. You will make noises you did not know were possible in an effort to elicit a smile from your baby. Some of those sounds will be obscene.

15. You will learn that the symptoms of sleep deprivation closely resemble severe mental illness.

16. Being asleep by 10 and awake at 6 on a Saturday night has never seemed so glamorous.

17. Your newfound interest in poop will frighten you. When, how much, color, consistency -- you may talk about poop more than anything else.

18. You will realize that you never knew this kind of deep love until now.

19. Your breasts are no longer your partner's (or yours).

20. You'll find yourself making up ridiculous songs with running commentary on your every move.

21. You will have the highest highs and the lowest lows, possibly all within microseconds of each other.

22. Although you may have appreciated oldies before, you will now catch yourself humming or singing nursery rhymes and ditties from the baby's toys.

23. No matter how much baby-proofing you do, your baby will find the one thing you didn't baby-proof.

24. No matter how good your intentions are, keeping up with your baby book is nearly impossible.

25. No one can truly prepare you for what will happen to your body. Hemorrhoids. Stretch Marks. Muffin Top.

26. You are so worried about what your child eats, how much, when, etc. you can forget to eat yourself. Or there is just no time to eat. You may find yourself standing in front of the fridge holding your baby and stuffing string cheese into your mouth.

27. Taking care of your baby will swallow up all your time. You may go days without showering.

28. It's hard to talk about anything other than baby. If you somehow manage to go on a date with your partner and make a concerted effort to avoid the subject, you will probably be rewarded with some awkward silences.

29. You become insanely paranoid. Every toy, blanket, crib, etc. is a potential threat to your baby's well-being.

30. You find that "parenting" joins religion, politics and sex as topics unfit for polite conversation (but poop is allowed!).

31. You think airport security sucked before?

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