Bikini season will soon be upon us. Hoping for a taut tuchus and slim poulkes? Well have no fear, Cardio Hora is here! That's right, you heard me - Cardio Hora. This famous Jew boogie can shape your bootie in no time. No, it's not being offered at Bally's, 24 Hour Fitness or Crunch quite yet, but it should be!
At JCC's and gyms across the country, people are shedding pounds by shaking their thing in Zumba classes. A Latin dance fitness mash-up, Zumba combines quick choreography with upbeat rhythms. And it's kicked-off a cardio dance class craze that's taken the nation. You've got Cardio Ballet Boogie, Cardio Belly Dance, and Cardio Hip Hop Blast. And don't forget Cardio Strip Tease and Cardio Pole Dancing. If those two clothes-shedding activities can be turned into aerobics classes, than so can our Jewish celebratory circle-dance. Nothing gets the heartbeat going like a good Hora. We could own this cardio dance fitness fad. Move over Zumba, here comes ... Jewmba.
Think I've lost it? Think I'm one bagel short of a dozen? Think of it this way. Has dancing a Bar Mitzvah Hora ever left you breathless and panting? Has dancing a wedding Hora ever left you schvitzing in chiffon? Has lifting the groom in a chair ever left you winded and wheezing? See, the Hora is already as cardio as it comes, we just need a little branding and marketing to make it go main stream.
We'll start by letting everyone know this little piece of Jewish culture is a complete body workout. Stomping your feet while clapping your hands boosts coordination, hoisting a happy couple in the air sculpts those shoulders, and trying to do it all in a pair of high heels is a balancing act that engages your quads and your core. And the Hora's circle formation is perfect for a group workout class. Nu, maybe you'll meet a nice Jewish boy while toning your nice Jewish tush.
And talk about fundraising -- we could sell Jewmba workout DVDs so folks could do the Hora at home. All the profits could go to Jewish seniors, the state of Israel, and of course, your local synagogue building fund. What? You know your sanctuary needs new air conditioning.
Besides, fitness is nothing new to the Jews. Noah chiseled his biceps by building an arc. Moses was into mountain climbing. Jacob was into wrestling ... fine, wrestling with angels, but it still counts. And let's not forget all of our ancestors who stayed in shape by speed walking -- for forty years through the dessert. But as free, suburban Jews, we tend to drive more than walk. So we need a new way to get our tushies trim and turn our pudgy pupiks into washboard abs.
Especially now. Spring means sundresses, short skirts, and swimsuits, but it also means a major Jew-food-packed holiday is on the horizon. Passover is a community-wide carbo load. Forget about surviving The Ten Plagues; let's talk about gaining the ten pounds. We've got matzah brie, matzah balls, matzah pizza, matzah meal pancakes, macaroons by the can-full, and those Passover fruit gel slices I don't really like, but can't quite resist. Passover can really pile on the pounds. Which is why this is the perfect time to launch this new exercise sensation.
So if you're looking to lose that Jewish jiggle, crank up the Hava Nagilah and go get your schvitz on. In fact, get your whole congregation in on the cardio blast. Because nothing burns more calories than a heart-pumping Hora. And I have the cute, size two tuchus to prove it.