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National Coalition Against Noah's No Single Animals on the Ark Policy

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There's a new Noah in town. No, mom, not Noah Rosen, the dermatologist from Rochester. No, not the guy from Tinder. Yes, there are a lot of nice single guys named Noah out there... I know. But the Noah I'm referring is coming to a theater near you and has caused quite the creative liberties stir.

Some conservatives were scared moviegoers might mistake the new Noah film for a literal line-by-line, breath-for-breath exact reenactment of historical events... as you do. So Paramount Pictures added an explanatory disclaimer to the trailer.

Well, those conservative folks aren't the only ones who have their Tzitzit in a knot over Noah. I'm offended, too. Noah is insulting to single people everywhere. That's right, you heard me; it's a slight to unmarrieds worldwide.

Truth be told, my problem isn't with the upcoming Darren Aronofsky film (which I haven't seen, but can't wait to! Luv 'ya, Russell!) My kosher beef is with the biblical story itself. As I understand it, God was going to wipe out the world with a great flood and told Noah to gather up "pairs of animals" and load 'em on the boat. Yup, pairs of animals. Creatures that came in couples. Mr. and Mrs. Gary Gnu.

The fate of the planet lies in jeopardy, and the only animals worth saving are the coupled-off ones? What's up with that, G-man? I know, I know, you only saved the morally-righteous animals -- the rule-followers, the goody-goodies. So, what, like the single animals were all too evil? No lone wolves deserved safe haven? Yeah, that totally makes sense when you think about it. Those unattached zebras can get pretty crazy at the office holiday party. And we all know those single sloths sneak a fifth cup of wine at Seder. And don't even get me started on Goats Gone Wild. They'll flash their horns for anyone.

But it can't be that all unmarried creatures were wild animals; that all singletons were born bad-to-the-bone, or that waiting by the phone turned them to the dark side. I don't buy it. There had to be some good ones. I'm not less simply because I'm single, and neither were those biblical birds who chose to fly solo.

So why did they get left behind? Yes, yes, we've all heard the procreation explanation. The animals came on two by two; they left the boat three by three. But c'mon, if what God was worried about was getting the animals to shack up on the ship -- well, two single creatures are much more likely to schtup at sea than some boring married couple. Not that I know anything about schtupping, Mom. Forgot you were here...

I mean, it's not like one could, say, bring together a group of random single animals, seclude them for 40 days and 40 nights, and expect these strangers to spontaneously start a sexual relationship. That could never happen. Except when it happens all the time. It's called The Bachelor.

And still, only twosomes got tickets to the cruise. Or did they? According to the story, the sun came out, dried up all the rain, and the animals debarked three by three. But where did they go from there? How could that particular trio (a husband, a wife and their adorable offspring) repopulate the world without breaking another biblical norm? Aha! Isn't it possible that some unattached animals were involved in the post-flood process of getting fruitful and multiplying? Isn't there a chance some single stowaways played a key role in bringing back the beasts of the world? Isn't it feasible that the boat didn't leave without us?

That's why I'm here today, asking you to join the National Coalition Against Noah's No Single Animals On The Ark Policy. The NCANNSAOTAP asks that the new movie about Noah, the good old Torah, and what the heck -- that annoyingly catchy children's song -- all carry a second explanatory disclaimer defending our honor. Our coalition fears film fans, folksingers and Torah-readers alike might mistakenly believe that all single beings are literally unworthy of boarding the boat.

So single people, unmarried animals and socially independent insects of all sizes -- hold your heads high and stand strong. Stand together and show the world what we're made of. Or better yet, if you're a hot single man, stand next to me and show me what you're made of. What? I may be proud, but I'm not looking to stay single forever.