02/03/2011 07:28 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Don't Blame Me, I Voted Republican

That was the wording on a sticker I saw plastered on the left rear bumper of a beat-up, faded canary-yellow Impala probably manufactured in 1965. On the right side of the bumper another sticker read, Lap dancing is not a crime. Now, why do those two thoughts somehow fit together so well? Stay with me for a minute.

While not a crime and probably a real turn-on for the guy whose lap is being grinded, there is still a kind of sleaziness associated with lap dancing. Let's face it, when you have to pay for sex, you are:

a) Too pathetic to score on the basis of your genuine charm, smarts and good looks

b) Engaging in the sexploitation game

c) A really horny guy who gets off on sex with total strangers

Kind of like having voted republican in 2008:

a) You knew your pathetic candidate was a has-been without an original thought for anyone under the age of 75, yet you sent in your donation, and felt like you scored for having voted against the smart black guy.

b) You engaged in the sexploitation game by casting your vote for a sexy chick with no other way of making money other than to titillate all the loser guys who filled her campaign rallies.

c) You were a really horny guy whose wet dreams of sex with a stranger in designer heels and clichéd schoolteacher glasses seemed lifted right out of a bad porn flick.

Isn't that right? While the entire world waited breathlessly, the taste of hope on their tongues, you voted republican and fantasized about a lap dance with the candidate for vice president; and you are damn proud of it!

Now, whether all those hope-filled tongues have been sated is not the point. People who voted for Obama continue to debate his successes against their disappointments but I'd be willing to bet my right arm that they're not sitting around thinking, things are so screwed up I wish I'd voted republican.

The two ideas--feeling vindicated for having voted republican based on the current state of the nation, and declaring that lap dancing is not a crime--gave me pause for thought, and I've come up with a few other like-minded, potentially brilliant partner bumper stickers. I swear I feel a fortune coming on.

Left bumper: Don't blame Mubarak for the riots in Egypt, look to the rioting Egyptians
Right bumper: Prostitution is still legal in Tunisia

Left bumper: Baby Doc Duvalier should be able to die in Haiti
Right bumper: Sexual assaults in Haitian tent cities--consensual or criminal?

Left bumper: Repeal Obamacare Now
Right bumper: Prevent abortions--choose anal sex

Jesus, I'm just having too much fun. If I keep this up, I'll never get any work done. Okay, just one more for the road:

Left bumper: Valentine's Day: Remembrance for Christian martyrs
Right bumper: Make love not war!