Life is Short. Have an Affair.
The image featured below is Heart of Erzulie by the artist Killy.
For a long time, on my way to the office, I kept noticing a billboard that read: Ashley Madison. Life is short. Have an affair. What could it be, I wondered? Could it actually be promoting affairs? By married people? Aren't we a nation filled with puritans who would find this kind of advertising vile and evil? (Notice how those two words are made up of the same letters?) Why hadn't I heard of loud protests? One day, too curious to ignore it any longer, I scribbled the website on a piece of paper, and then forgot about it for months. But, I recently read a piece about the "agency" in the Los Angeles Times, and it turns out the [male] owner was on Dr. Phil's show not too long ago. He apparently got a lot of shit from the host and its audience members, who are mostly women.
So, what do you think about a site that makes it easy to find people interested in having affairs? I'm thinking this is not geared to the younger set, but to aging boomers who may be in fine, loving relationships in which the, ahem, juice has gone the way of the dried powdered kind, as in Tang--remember Tang? Just add water! Frankly, I didn't know what to think of it. I believe in monogamy and have been in a monogamous marriage for 20 years. I like it that way. I also believe that affairs happen every single day between people who revere monogamy -- it's just that they get kidnapped by what I call the crotch directive. Affairs, once discovered, usually have disastrous consequences, with that element of trust all but gone with the wind of loyalty, and forever set in the stone of suspicion. However, many relationships survive affairs, become stronger for it and move into forever after land. It's very tempting to toss this thing into a category called: yeah, I bet men love it. But, guess who is having all those affairs with men? Unless they're gay, it's willing women--often, of the married variety. (If you're in a long-term gay relationship, obviously the same parameters apply).
So, I logged on to AshleyMadison.com to check it out for myself, and get this, it started in 2002 and there are already two and a half million members on it. It costs $249 to sign up--refundable if you don't have an affair within three months -- and "you must reply to at least 20 unique AshleyMadison.com members each month." Damn, that seems like a lot of work. My good girl sensibilities feel outraged and disgusted. My rational side just keeps scratching its head. In a world where dating sites proliferate like viruses because people want lifelong partners; and in a world where same-sex couples demanding the right to marry has become one of the most contentious issues of the day; into that same world comes a site that actively encourages infidelity. I know it takes all kinds to make a world, but I'm just wondering what in the world is going on, here?
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Extramarital affairs have been going on for centuries. What is surprising is that such a vehicle, analagous to match.com and other matchmaking websites, can be so blatant. I am the author of To Love, Honor and Betray: The Secret Life of Suburban Wives. The 26 women (whose interviews were published in the book) had affairs primarily because they were lonely, and longing for companionship -- not sex. Once, their marriages were romances...as the marriages morphed into relationships filled with ennui, they went "elsewhere" and often without a plan but simply "fell into it." Their affairs were often tormented salvation. In two cases, the marriage was destroyed. Most women who had had affairs said they would never have another -- it took up too much energy. Women currently embroiled in affairs were filled with conflict. Those were merely considering the prospect of an affair felt the most guilty: Their fantasies loomed larger than the reality. Bottom line: Too often having an affair to save yourself or your marriage is like putting a Bandaid on that which requires surgery. How ironic that in these days where communication is so instantaneous, married couples still fail when it comes to communicating. Indeed, the heart is a lonely hunter. As titillating as affairs sound, at the core, affairs can be as lonely and isolating as a sad marriage. I believe that marital infidelity is not a moral issue but rather an issue of unrequited and tormented hearts and minds -- for both men and women.
I think that every married person gets tempted at least once during thier lifetime--maybe things are not going well sexually or they are lonely or curious or just want one last fling before they die. The trick is to recognize that an affair is not going to help with any of this (well, maybe just the last one) and that they are just going to end up guilty, unhappy and possibly hurting the person in the world that means the most to them. It is not wrong to feel temptation, only to act upon it. The trouble is that our society has lost its ability to resist temptation or delay gratification or just work for what we want (i.e, a better relationship with our spouse). And you're right about an affair taking way too much energy--energy that takes you away from your spouse, your children, your work, etc. Frankly, just the time spent having to buy new lingerie would be a deal killer for me (LOL).
Having been married 25 years to my childhood sweetheart and seen many difficult days, I write a marriage blog on www.urbanthoughtcollective.com, called "Marriage Moments," sharing my views on marriage, how hard it is to keep marriages together but in the end, how very worth it. This is especially true in the black community, where divorce (if couples marry at all) is so high. It's wierd but right next to my blog these ads come up almost every time. I find it funny how one side shares how to make marriage work and the other side shares how to destroy it.--almost like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Did you hear about the commercial that NBC banned during the Superbowl encouraging having an affair? You can find it online....where the husband bails on his wife on Valentine's Day to meet his lover and she's eyeing some nice looking guy in the restaurant where they were having dinner. What is this world coming to when everything that's supposed to be right is wrong and everything that's supposed to be wrong is now right. How screwed are we!?....forgive the pun.
I'm open-minded, but to me this is really skeevy.
these types of sites sum up all that is wrong with society at the moment. where are the morals that society seems to be forgetting?
Life is short; short enough to keep your promises; tell the truth; strive for integrity, because, after all, life is short; too short to make excuses.
hey Carin,
It all sounds like canned love, like life is now, canned. Everything through the internet.
And we should, I believe, as long as we live, "life is short" enjoy it, with any means that make us happy.
I personally believe an affair is not everything, and if it would happen it would because of what escorw7 writes, a look, a smile....not for money, not this many a month... and not in a contract.
Be happy is the rule.
You have to understand lust to understand these actions. Men and women are drawn to each other through the eyes (and other areas). Pretty smile, nice body. Over the internet the lust for attention and future physical attraction is forever present in the growing enviornment of community website and blogs.
When instant chat hit the internet people were sex chatting all day all night. The game has not changed (infidelity that is) only the access to the playground. What's so interesting to me is this guy is making a ton of money off these people. How many of you wish you came up with the idea?? Or which one of your ideas will we next blog about :)
http://www.thirdeyechronicles.com
Why pay the money, when Craigslist is free?
Carine, check it out. It's rampant and the volume of married women is astounding.
Like the artwork. Thanks for including the artist's name. :0)
Evil, Vile, Live, Veil: these are all parts of having an affair. I think Carine Fabius' point of view is intriguing, and I'm also surprised that there are so many subscribers to the site she describes. I am no longer married personally so in a sense, I have opted out of the discussion. Nevertheless, intriguing. Thank you.
Carine Fabius: I know it takes all kinds to make a world, but I'm just wondering what in the world is going on, here?
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Speaking in general terms, human beings have two competing desires: constancy and change - the familiar and the strange..
See Carine Fabius's Profile
You articulate beautifully what we all know to be true. I guess the thing that bugs me about this is the active encouragement of something we can logically understand, but which our hearts have a hard time coming to terms with.
Ah! There's a difference between " wondering what's going on her" and "being bugged" by it.
Woody Allen, brilliant auteur and total idiot, said it well when asked how he could have an affair with Mia Farrow's daughter: The heart wants what it wants.
And wise Socrates celebrated the onset of old age, happy (apparently) that the big head would't be in thrall to the little head any more. And yes, women have a little head, too.
I'm certainly not making excuses for the violation of marriage vows or partner promises. But the behavior is so ubiquitious in human culture that it would probably be easier to stamp out cockroaches. All the internet does is enable that which we already are.
Personally, I save my moral outrage for presidents who shred the constution and ignore the Geneva convention, or for situations like human traficking, where the helpless are exploited by the powerful.
Yes, this sucks. But the crazy thing is that these people are paying $250 for it. There are dating sites and Craigslist which are free and do the same thing. So these people must be really stupid. Im not advocating it I think people should have the balls to talk directly to their spouse about anything. I know a bunch of people are against sex ed in schools, but I wish there was a Marriage Education class that tells people how to man up, or freakin wait a long time to get married, or maybe teach kids to rise up against a government that gives benefits to married couples, thus giving a monetary incentive to do something that should be based purely on love. Life is complicated eh.
I understand the part where you're attracted to another. I don't understand how one can justify the hurt of his/her partner, the guy or gal one has made a pact with. I suppose if the faithful partner doesn't care, it doesn't matter. One would think that the person one is committed to and who committed to you deserves more than that. Maybe marriage should have term limits. At least, that would enable the partners to lower their expectations toward the end of the term. This is not a lecture about how long a relationship should last. It is a defense of decency.
In some sociology class years ago, I read about a culture that did exactly that - Marriages lasted 7 (or maybe it was 10) years and then the 'spouses' were free to choose another 7/10 years or go their separate ways. I don't remember all the details about how many chose what, but I do remember that the 'punishment' for cheating was fairly strict and was rarely needed.
Read the pre-christian history of Valentine's day.
The Feast of Lupercalia.
"I'm just wondering what in the world is going on, here?"
Same thing that's gone on all through human history. People will have affairs if they can, period.
...find this kind of advertising vile and evil? (Notice how those two words are made up of the same letters?)....
live is also made up of the same letter.
so is levi, a guy i once dated, but with whom i did NOT have an affair
See Carine Fabius's Profile
So is veil. Oh oh, I smell a cover up...maybe like what happens during an affair?
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