THE BLOG
10/11/2010 06:22 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Future Is Overwritten

I just read an article about how the Democrats are definitely going to take a beating in the midterm elections because the economy is so bad.

I just read an article about how the Republicans won't actually win in the midterm elections because they're too divided between moderate conservatives and the Tea Party movement.

I just read an article about how Independent voters will decide this election.

I just read an article about Independents don't really have a stake in this election.

I just read an article about how President Obama has failed to deliver on his promise of change.

I just read an article about how President Obama's failure has been in trying to accomplish too much in his first two years.

I just read an article about how the bailouts have sunk us deeper into economic crisis.

I just read an article about how our economy would have completely collapsed if it weren't for the bailouts.

I just read an article about how The Human Centipede is a revolutionary horror film.

I just read an article that likened watching The Human Centipede to watching all the Saw movies, a live execution and Beaches at the same time.

I just read the Bible.

I just read the T.G.I. Fridays brunch menu.

I just read a fortune cookie.

I just read my last will and testament, which I update once a year with the name of whoever my current favorite New Kid is... sometimes it's Danny!

Also, I just read a 1,376 advertisements that were positioned right alongside all those articles about how any possible permutation of the future can -- and will -- happen. Now, I'm seriously thinking about buying a new car, life insurance, gold, clean coal and taking a cruise to somewhere exotic yet familiar.