Michael Jackson: The Future

It's naive of people to think Michael Jackson can't find a profitable job in the entertainment industry in America, and that he'll be forced to go to Europe and Japan to make the kind of money he once could count on. Hey, folks, this is the land of "American Idol" and "Fear Factor" and "Bachelorette," and the U.S. Congress. There are no limits. My suggestions:

1. He replaces Paula Abdul on American Idol. She hasn't yet been cleared of claims she molested a boy. Michael has.

2. Mark Burnett gives him his own reality show, "Best Boy," in which we get to ride on Michael's shoulder cam as he chooses his next victim.

3. CBS can scale the ratings peaks with a remake of "All In the Family." In this version it will be Michael and his new predator family, with guest appearances by his own veiled children, the hired and paid mothers, and maybe even Lisa Marie Presley and Elizabeth Taylor. Unsure whether Michael fills the Archie or Edith role. Definite guest slot for brother Jermaine's son, Jermajesty.

4. He replaces Roy Horn in the Siegfried and Roy wild animal act in Vegas, but rather than appearing on stage with lions and tigers Michael would perform feats of derring-do with 8 and 9 year old boys. Then, bring on the tigers.

5. Last, there's one job opportunity where he'll feel completely at home: the Catholic priesthood.