Educating Yourself About Your Loved One's Addiction

Regardless of the status of your loved one's recovery program or lack thereof, I recommend to clients that they educate themselves about substance abuse to discover as much as they can on a personal level. This blog is not about your part from a non-enabling, or stronger boundaries viewpoint, but is of a more specific nature.

We all know knowledge is power, therefore the more you learn, the calmer your state of mind will be.

Here are some concepts to consider which may help when furthering your education of your loved ones addiction issues:

Do Your Own Research on Addiction

Investigate the substance that you believe your loved one is using or may be addicted to. Opinions and facts are different. Stick to the facts and not the opinions of well-meaning friends who could cloud your head with misinformation. The more you know about your loved one's addiction, its characteristics and traits, the more confident you can be in a conversation regarding their specific situation. You won't be caught off guard or caught up with another's opinion if you've already done your own research. That said, don't overload yourself by spending countless hours reading about what amounts to quite depressing material. The description of heroin and its side effects will not change no matter how many sources you check out.

Be Wary of Well-Meaning Advice

Please don't take the advice of family members and friends as gospel. Although they are only trying to be of help, formulate your own conclusion. They may suggest that you do one thing or another. However, even if they have experienced a similar situation, remember that everyone's issues are different, and complex dynamics come into play. What might have worked for them may not work for you.

Be Mindful of Who You Talk To

You might want to think twice about discussing your struggles or a loved one's addiction issues with friends, certain family members or relatives. This is not because you are ashamed or fearful of their judgment, but because you may be opening yourself up to their advice or opinion. It could put an unnecessary strain on your relationships, especially if you don't take the advice. Also, friendships can be very precarious and delicate. Although your friend might ache for your pain and suffering, if that's all you end up talking about it may become too much of a burden for the person to handle. Additionally, information regarding your loved one's addiction could prove detrimental if it finds its way to the workplace or is brought into other relationships. Remember, no matter how upset you are, or how desperate you feel to unload your burden, be respectful of your loved one's privacy. Unless they give you permission to discuss their situation openly or with certain individuals, allow them to tell who they want, when they want.

Attend Open Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings (meetings open to anyone with or without an addiction issue)

This is the first order of business I suggest to my new clients as it gives them an honest look at the struggles and successes of other alcoholic/addicts. Here you can be inconspicuous and won't be called upon to say anything, yet you are afforded the opportunity to listen to alcoholic/addicts in recovery. This can be a profound and eye-opening experience, as these meetings are usually "speaker meetings" where one individual talks for the bulk of the meeting and traces their life from dysfunction and destruction to recovery. You can hear firsthand the same plight that your loved one may be experiencing from someone else, affording you some distance and objectivity. Understanding that someone else has been able to become successful in sobriety may give you hope as well. There is a lot to be learned from these meetings, and it is the first place I would start to gather honest and genuine information about the disease.

Attend Al-Anon meetings (meetings for the friends and families of the alcoholic/addict)

I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for 20 years. The camaraderie and spirituality that knits this special group of family and friends together is worth much more than the dollar contribution. Al-Anon is not for everyone, but give it a good chance. Listening to what the other members have to say often hits home for many share the same issues that you may be thinking about. Al-Anon presents a very strong "higher power" viewpoint, as they believe no one can regain control of an out-of-control life if they don't surrender their will and care to something larger than themselves. Please don't be turned off by this. You can participate regardless of your personal beliefs and gain a great deal.

Seek Professional Counseling

If your world takes on a different dynamic because you're loved one continues to remain in addiction or because they are working toward a clean and sober lifestyle, issues will arise during your own recovery process. You might consider obtaining the help of a professional addiction counselor, not just a marriage and family therapist. It would be beneficial to seek a counselor who has had a personal journey in this field and can relate from "been there-done that" experience as well as professional training.

Movies

Though difficult to watch, there are some insightful and informative movies that portray addiction as their central theme.
Though there are many, here are five of my favorites:

1. "My Name is Bill W." -- A television movie starring James Woods and James Garner. The story traces the lives of Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous.
2. "The Days of Wine and Roses" -- One of the first movies to portray the devastation of alcohol dependency in a family. Lee Remick and Jack Lemmon struggle together and then independently with their addictions.
3. "The Basketball Diaries" -- Based on a true story, a young Leonardo DiCaprio portrays a fun-loving youth who gets entangled with the underground world of dangerous drugs. One of the most gut-wrenching and honest scenes is between DiCaprio's character and his mother, when she is torn between giving him money (knowing it would be going to his addiction) and calling the police. With money in one hand and the phone in another, she sobs on the floor as she deals with the despair of her impending decision. A must see for anyone whose child is dealing with addiction issues and the deep love, fear, and frustration that any parent endures.
4. "Crazy Heart" -- Academy award-winning actor Jeff Bridges portrays a middle-aged, alcoholic, country/western singer. Losing a very important relationship due to irresponsible behavior because of his alcohol dependency, Bridges commits to rehab and a clean and sober lifestyle, which slowly starts to turn his life around toward the positive.
5. "The Miracle Worker" -- The original black and white movie with Patty Duke as Helen Keller. This is by far the best movie regarding boundaries I have ever seen. Had Annie Sullivan (the teacher played by Anne Bancroft) not imposed very strong boundaries from the beginning, I believe Helen Keller would not have become the beautiful, competent and grand woman she ultimately turned out to be.

Learning about addiction is scary. No two ways about it. But learn you should, if you are to be a responsible family member or friend who comes from a place of knowledge and not just emotional reactions.

If I can be of service, please visit my website www.familyrecoverysolutions.com and I invite you to explore my new book "Reclaim Your Life - You and the Alcoholic/Addict" at www.reclaimyourlifebook.com or on Amazon.

 

 

 

Comments

[Lisbeth35]

01:00 PM on 01/29/2011

I appreciate the article. Don't need the movies though when living through it.

[smg1776]

01:58 AM on 01/28/2011

Someone recommended AA to me for painkiller dependence. I was completely dismayed by what I saw in AA. I quickly had the feeling that it resembled a weird sort of church service (or cult?) Every meeting began with the same bizzare ritual of reading their "sacred scripture". The passage I found the most offensive was the "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way". I could never be part of an organization that put people down with such condecension and arrogance.

I found the people in AA to be composed of two groups. The first were the majority of attendees that were being churned through the program via rehabs and courts. These people only lasted as long as they could put up with the people composing the second group. The second group was an elite bunch of control freaks with narcissistic personalities and a tendency toward sanctimonious speeches. How anyone could hope to get better among such disfunction is beyond me.

[Mathildabee]

07:55 AM on 01/29/2011

Thank you, SMG, I couldn't agree more.

[Eddy123]

04:04 PM on 01/27/2011

I would be wary of sending women to AA meetings, there are too many court mandated individuals being dumped into AA these days and newspaper accounts of people harmed and taken advantage and harmed in the rooms.

There are major problems with 13th stepping issues, the procurment of sex by another member of the program, and financial predators. Naive older people, needy vunerable women, and single moms as well as their children, along with young teenagers people could be easy targets for these predators.

[Eddy123]

03:05 PM on 01/27/2011

For women an empowerment persecptive could be a better approach.

http://www.addictioninfo.org/articles/94/1/Zen-Feminism-and-Recovery/Page1.html

[Oposo]

02:53 PM on 01/27/2011

For America I totally agree. If this author wanted to be of service she would follow her own advice and would have presented all the treatment options, not the outdated and highly ineffective "only way" group. Thanks for all the useful links.

[Eddy123]

04:47 PM on 01/27/2011

I would have problems with watching a Bill W. movie as I have AA biographer Cheever's book concerning sexual addiction, where she draws attention to Wilson inabilty to regulate himself with women, another Cheevers book that is a bio on Wilson along with AA's Pass It on also describes his activities with the occult or paranormal, where he lays claim to the paranormal being in and around AA, his writing of the AA twelve steps and twelve traditions being influenced from the world beyond and a dead fifteenth century monk named Boniface.
The fact he could name the monk led me to believe he truly believed in this.

The movie also overlooks Bill Mental Health issues and his struggles with depression which lasted a good ten years after founding AA and in my belief it was his depression which some have suggested could be manic that led to abuse of alcohol.

In fairness to Wilson , he never stopped looking for a cure for alcoholism and in those days there were not the perscritpion drugs available to aid him with his depression or anxiety.

[Eddy123]

02:21 PM on 01/27/2011

I am for evidence based here is a great take on research done by Miller are twelve steps too many

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1872779,00.html

and also the drop out rates
http://liferingconvenor.blogspot.com/2007/12/once-again-on-aa-dropout-rate.html

[Eddy123]

01:51 PM on 01/27/2011

I don't get the AA meetings they have very little to do with addiction but a lot to do with religion and adhere to a disease belief.

Here is great link by Stanton Peele on Addcition and why it doesn't make sense to call it a Disease
http://www.peele.net/lib/truth_1.html

Professor and Research Alan Marlatt has done some great work with meditation for dealing with an addiction and here is the latest research:
The recent research on science daily shows it changes brain structure for the better.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/01/110121144007.htm

And beware of rehabs , they are all about the $$$$ money but many who go there come out and relapse, Johnson is coming out with a book this year " The Rehab Myth: New Medications that Conquer Alcoholism

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/08/06/AR2010080602660.html

[Mathildabee]

07:58 AM on 01/29/2011

Good information I'll be looking for the Johnson book

[ForAmericaAndRoosevelt]

10:53 AM on 01/27/2011

Odd.  Ms. Bennett tells people to search out facts and avoid opinions and misinformation – and then attend 12-step meetings, which are a completely non-fact-based crypto-religion where one will encounter nothing but opinions, misinformation, and the simultaneously empty and toxic cant of AA. 
 
Secular Organizations for Sobriety
http://www.cfiwest.org/sos/index.htm
 
SMART Recovery
http://smartrecovery.org/
 
AA is Faith-Based, Not Evidence-Based
http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/?p=490

Humanists Challenge Alcoholics Anonymous Monopoly
http://www.americanhumanist.org/news/details/2007-09-humanists-challenge-alcoholics-anonymous-monopoly

AA Isn't the Best Solution: Alternatives for Alcoholics
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stanton-peele/aa-isnt-the-best-solution_b_629004.html

http://morerevealed.com/

http://orange-papers.org/
 
We do not drink or use, no matter what. We respect each person's sobriety, regardless of how it's attained, with the emphasis on SOS's principles of self-empowerment and personal responsibility, I have a new life.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/secularsobriety/
 
Yes, you can stay sober without AA. We are people who have been burned by AA and we discuss things we believe are wrong within AA.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/without_aa/

EFTCoaa is a group committed to deprogramming from AA's cult doctrines.  We encourage those who need medical attention to seek it, and maintain links to other groups for support of abstinence such as Rational Recovery, S.O.S., SMART etc.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/EFTCoaa/

AA bugs us for many legitimate reasons!
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aabugsusbecause/

12-Step Coercion Watch is a discussion list for those concerned about the violations of religious liberty that are occurring throughout the world where people are being coerced into the 12-Step programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and its many offshoots such as Narcotics Anonymous.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/12-Step_Coercion_Watch/

 
 
 

[weenserwee]

01:06 PM on 01/27/2011

Thanks for providing that great list of resources. I just wanted to add one more:

Stinkin Thinkin: Muckraking the 12-Step Treatment Industry: http://stinkin-thinkin.com

[Mathildabee]

08:01 AM on 01/29/2011

Good resources, as well as the addition of Stinkin' Thinkin'