Al-Anon 12-Step Recovery Program: Love It Or Leave It
For those who don't know or have never heard of Al-anon, it is a 12-step recovery program that is the counter-part to the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step recovery program. It was initiated by Lois Wilson (the wife of Bill Wilson; one of the original founders of Alcoholics Anonymous) as a safe haven and support group for anyone who is dealing with a loved ones alcoholism (and/or drug addiction)
I have been attending Al-anon meetings for 20 years and came away from my first meeting thinking..."What a bunch of losers, as well as... I heard some interesting things here."
As a professional family substance abuse counselor, I encourage my clients to attend Al-anon and find out if it is something they wish to incorporate in their recovery. Some swear by it, others are shunned.
I have compiled a list of 16 opinions; 8 hip-hip hooray! 8 bah humbug!
The hip-hip hooray crowd:
1) The unique camaraderie of people coming together in a safe, forum for a common interest. No one cares what you wear, if you have money or a job. We are all in the same boat, birds of a feather; sharing the same theme of addiction hardships.
2) A neutral approach which is non-judgmental toward another. Yet, personal enough to get involved with their concerns if invited.
3) Often meetings are held in Church social rooms. This is comforting in its serenity which may elicit a feeling of being spiritually content.
4) The Al-anon literature is expressive and powerful. Many Al-anon members start their day reading from "One Day at a Time" or "The Courage to Change". These readings can be a life line for one that may be struggling with a certain issue in which that daily reading may shed some encouragement.
5) Attending Al-anon regularly can instill buoyancy from another's growth and progress. You may have been witness to members' emotional failures and success and you are empowered by their accomplishments and applaud them for "hanging in there".
6) Sharing your own failures and successes with others who are struggling or new to the program is amazingly satisfying. Becoming a "sponsor" (one who has clocked a sufficient amount of time in the al-anon program to help others with readings, concepts and step-work) helps you to continue in your recovery while helping others.
7) The importance of a Higher Power in your life is tantamount to a successful recovery. Al-anon; it's readings and sharing's is overflowing with reference to a Higher Power and turning our will over to that Higher Power and trusting in the results. For many (including myself), it is very comforting to have a "silent partner" who is always watching out for my best interests even if I can't see them for myself.
8) There is no membership fee and the 1 dollar donation helps pay the rent and the books.
The bah humbug crowd:
1) One considers they are "airing their dirty laundry" for all to see. It's nobody's business what goes on behind closed doors and why present a vulnerable image of themselves or their family as failures? "I live in this community...what if I see someone I know... maybe my family/friends will be angry or embarrassed that I am attending these meetings."
2) Denial. "My qualifier (the loved one that is struggling with a substance abuse issue) isn't nearly as bad as some others or I'm not as sad/angry/frustrated like so many of these other people in the room. I don't really need this program".
3) The difficult realization that ones own life may be out of control due to the alcoholic/addict and now having to do something about it. The family member of friend may not want to participate in the heavy lifting of change; the discomfort experienced in the beginning in order to establish new boundaries and self respect. It may seem easier to bump along the bottom than commit to new thinking.
4) Some members of Al-anon take themselves way too seriously, and this can be a turn off to members. Like any organization there needs to be rules and regulations, however it is unnecessary to admonish one for sharing about a book or an article they read that relates to their share, or acknowledging someone's comments in your own share with a glance and being accused of "cross talk". This can make one more hesitant to be open and honest if they think they are doing it wrong.
5) Some members use Al-anon as a soap box; a self-serving forum to drone on and on about their personal problems which have no relevance to the program. They justify this by adding a disclaimer at the end of their diatribe that they would not be able to say this or do that if Al-anon had not been in their life.
6) The member has no religious affiliation and finds discomfort in any type of greater being, holier than thou entity; especially if it means "turning their will and care over to a Higher Power" in order to achieve success.
7) Too much emphasis on a Higher Power and the greatness of the Al-anon program; almost to the point of sounding like a cult.
8) Al-anon takes YEARS to finally "get it". One must be dedicated to attend meetings frequently and work with a sponsor before they can feel fairly secure in their own recovery. Many are not interested in investing so much time.
For me, Al-anon continues to be an enormous help. Of all the things listed, it is the camaraderie that is most important when it comes to navigating those difficult, muddy waters. To share the trials and tribulations of loving an alcoholic/addict and to see my Al-anon friends nodding their head in agreement, assures me that I am not alone. This presents a very special, common bond that transcends the norm of most friendships.
Give Al-anon a try. You have nothing to lose. After some time, see if you find yourself in the "hip-hop hooray" or the "bah humbug" crowd.
If I can be service to you or your family, please e-mail me at Carole@familyrecovery solutions.com
Thank you and I invite you to visit my website at www.familyrecoverysolutions.com
Maria Rodale: Top 10 Tips for Sober Entertaining
You don't quite realize just how much entertaining revolves around alcohol, until you stop revolving around alcohol. Here are my top 10 tips for sober entertaining that I've figured out after 10 years of sobriety.
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
past ala teen here. love the article and can tell you one thing i learnt for sure from my dealings and associating with the 12 step program. I was a co dependent! I loved being needed by my alcoholic father, I loved the dependence which he placed on me, his weakness was my strength. What did I learn, I did not need his disease to empower me. I did not need his addiction to give me a reason to live, to achieve, to exist. I already had one, myself. I had everything in the world to live for, "for myself".
Hats off to AA. Saved my husband's life and my marriage. My assessment is that if you have been drinking daily for 10 plus years you should ckeck-out an AA meeting. Could save your life too.
I don't know about Al-Anon, but I could never embrace the 12-step AA program. My main issue was the idea of getting out of "self", and turning yourself over to a higher power. Yes, I realize that a higher power does not have to be a god. Still, I knew it was up to me to get sober, even though I did (and still do) rely on a good substance abuse counselor to help me along. With a few exceptions, it is a great group of people, who do seem honestly interested in helping others in addition to themselves.
What I got out of Al-Anon was, why the hell would I want to live the rest of my life alone, while being married? My spouse was (and probably still is) an alcoholic, and absolutely refused ANY responsibility in recognizing that fact. What I heard Al-Anon saying was you could still live a rich and rewarding life as you tiptoed around a raging alcoholic. Be with ofther people, do things w/other friends and family. Go places with other people and family, etc. If that's how I wanted to live my life, I never would have gotten married. I got a divorce.
Al-anon does make you aware that you are not alone.
Congratulations. It is hard to believe that anyone would choose to live like that.
I never bought the whole concept of addicts being powerless to stop. I'm Irish I come from a strong background of alcoholics and when younger used to over indulge. However, there's no such thing as a permanent addiction. It's really quite simple to stop drinking too much.
1. Acknowledge that there are good thoughts and bad thoughts that lead to good behavior and bad behavior.
2. Realize when you're following a bad thought and stop.
3. Don't demonize alcohol, nor demonize yourself as being weak and incapable of stopping. Trust in yourself and take responsibility for your action.
No need for AA. No need for a higher power. No need to stop drinking completely.
Being an alcoholic is a bit like being over promiscuous. Just because you want to slow down on your pleasure doesn't mean you have to become a monk. Anyone watch Rescue Me? That show has it right in my opinion.
In all due respect, you have no idea what you're talking about. You do have every right to your "opinion".
Jameslyons is speaking of his and his family's experiences, so yes,he does know what he is talking about. It may not reflect your experience, but your response was rather harsh.
When I first entered AA I could not connect spirituality to recovery. I was told to look for a higher power and to consider the home group to be just that. Here were people who were doing something I had not been able to do-stop drinking and drugging. They had gained power over their addictions through absolute surrender to the fact that they were powerless over them. By taking the group and AA as a whole as my 'higher power', I was then teachable.
For most people, spiritual awakening is an accumulative experience, not an abrupt, blinding light revelation. Attending meetings and watching, seeing the newcomer in anguish and a sparkle of hope come to their eyes in just a few weeks, seeing the change in myself, all in accumulation. Unexplainable occurences, the meanings become all too real in time.
No, unlike Paul, I was not knocked off my horse on the road to Damascus.
But this very day, I am so humbly grateful for my 4th AA Anniversary!
It is an incredible thought for me-4 years clean and sober! Unimaginable!
A miracle of a spiritual nature.
Congratulations! Four years of sobriety is an incredible achievement! Very happy for you and for your family.
Wonderful article on the myths and realities of Al-anon.
All a bunch of humbuggery and religious balderdash based on the Oxford movement
See addiction exposed dot com and check out the links
Addiction is not a disease. It is a behavior.
It looks like an interesting film. I've noticed Passages, non 12-step is one of the major advertiser's on the living page.
Do you have any idea what a scam many (if not most) people think Passages is? Read this, one of many > http://www.laweekly.com/2008-06-26/news/buying-the-cure/
I attended a few Alanon meetings while dealing with a family member's addiction - they made me want to run out and drink. Only kidding - but truthfully I found them to be extremely annoying, endlessly narcissistic, depressing, and basically intolerable. I am though very glad that they are there to help those that they do! We all need to find what works in our own life. These do help some people.
Exactly. I can't stand those types of group meetings. They may help some people, but I cringe at the thought of ever relying on that type of group setting for my own well being. To each his own.
I found sitting through the meetings to be painful! Really. The atmosphere, for me, was dysfunctional. I understand wanting a group meeting when you are knee deep in dealing with someone battling an addiction. The idea is wonderful. In my opinion though - the Alanon meetings are exchanging one set of unhealthy behaviors for another. The other point about Alanon and AA - they should just take the word "anonymous" right out of the title. There is nothing private about any of these meetings and I feel sorry for family members who are trashed week after week in a very public forum who have no means to defend themselves. Completely unfair. The stories I heard - the gossiping. Made my skin crawl. AA is just as guilty.
Al-Anon's not about religion, although it certainly addresses spirituality. The idea is, as the step says, to come to "believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." It's not that God is going to magically heal you, but that by acknowledging that we are not the most powerful entities in our lives that we can't control everything--especially not the alcoholic, and our attempts have made us nuts.
Once we begin to realize that we can't control the people and things we've been trying to control, we're on the path to sanity.
As for the "humbugs" above: There will always be difficult people in Al-Anon meetings. You put up with them, correct them gently when necessary, and try to treat them with humor and affection. One of the great things about Al-Anon is watching "difficult" people turn into easygoing, lovable people.
It can seem cultish to observers, but it's mostly gratitude from people whose lives have been radically changed for the better. It's a phase that passes when you realize that the program changes only people who want to change and those are few.
And it does take years, because as modern science tells us, it takes a long time to rewire the brain. Our dysfunctional behaviors have been hardwired by years of abuse, neglect, and ill-conceived teaching. It takes a long time to rewire--but it doesn't seem so long in retrospect, and it's so worth the work.
I disagree. Realizing that we cannot control everything or everyone does NOT necessitate a belief in "a power greater than ourselves" whether it be god or the lamppost. Surely NATURE is a much greater power than ourselves, but it does not care about our lives.
I didn't go to Al-Anon to learn how to control the alcoholic in my life; I went looking for a way to help myself keep from trying to rely on him to show up when he was supposed to and getting upset when he didn't. The answer was to end the relationship.
I had a very good experience with Alanon. It helped me to realize that I have control over my own actions and reactions and only my own and no one has the right to make me feel guilty for not controlling someone else. It was also helpful to have the support of others that understood how I felt. Alanon is not for the addict or alcoholic - it is for their loved ones who are dealing with them whether they recover or not. It is hard to have someone close to you have those kinds of problems (I used to explain to my daughter it is a support group for people who love a$$holes because they need some support from each other)
"it is a support group for people who love a$$holes because they need some support from each other"
Boy, what you obviously did not learn from Alanon was one single thing about the true nature of addiction. Which is one of my main issues about the group. For me it was completely useless and by this example - I'm not the only one. Unfortunately.
The true nature of addiction is not what I would want to address in Alanon. It's not about understanding addiction, it's about living with a difficult person (or letting them go) and being sane yourself - allowing them to deal with their own problem. Alanon is not for addicts. It's for people who have an addict who is significant in their life and driving them crazy.
Did you learn that you couldn't control or cure addiction? Did you learn to live life, not as a satellite of your addict, but your own life?
These are the sort of things I'd be looking to learn from Al-Anon.
I'm a non-fan. I find the process unsatisfying. You can't have a give and take on a topic. A person says something. The next person says something else. They're not related comments. The topic shifts. I am supposed to draw my own conclusions and take from it what I can. There's just no flow for me. It feels disjointed.
The no-cross talk rule serves a purpose. There are all kinds of people that go to Al-Anon, some emotionally healthy, some not. Someone inexperienced in the program may want to give inapropriate advice. Someone new may want to be told what to do, rather than finding what's really right for them. The bottom line being that what's right for me may not be right for you. Al-Anon respects each person's life and choices as theirs alone.
The other issue is that Al-Anon is a safe place to share what's going on for us, cross talk can eliminate that safety because then personalities come into play and comments can be interpreted as criticism might be actual criticism. When I've spoken at a meeting and said something really hairbrained, the best response was silence, because I was able to see it sooner than if I'd been on the defensive.
There's no one right way to get through dealing with an an addict. There's only what's right for you. Not dealing with the opinions of others about my situation gives me the space and forces me, actually, to think about myself and what I really need and want.
Another rule and buzz phrase "no cross talk".
It obviously takes a certain personality to stick with these programs.
Tried Al-Anon back in the '80s due to a problem relationship. Sat in on a few AA meetings. as well. Absolutely hate 12 Step programs. "A fire hydrant can be your god." oookay. But god or no god, that is not the problem for the people I met. The Al-Anons are codependent (I understand the concept, but how I learned to detest that word) and the AAers replace one addiction with another: god, smoking, excessive coffee drinking, and the biggest one of all: GOING TO MEETINGS. Their whole lives end up revolving around "the program"; they get their cars fixed by AAers, plumbing, etc. All about AA, their whole lives.
I'm sure some people go in, get a grip, and get out; I just don't think it right that AA is forced on offenders of whatever kind.
I think people are better off when their lives revolve around program rather than being an alcoholic. Al-Anonics who are still recovering are codependent--that's what they're there for! The oldtimers? Not so much.
Program is not about "getting a grip." It's about changing one's life for the better. It takes a lot of time, work, and mistakes. It's worth it. AA can't be forced on anyone who doesn't want it. Offenders can be forced to attend meetings, but if the lightbulb doesn't go on, they're always free to go back out (probably to re-offend).
I think that's a matter of perception and preference - I don't believe the premise that addiction is a permenant state of being - or that wallowing in each others tales of bad behaviour is helpful.
I agree with you that "working the program" is preferable than being an active alcoholic, but don't believe it has to be a lifetime process or that one has to cut out all non-AA friends or activities.
One addiction for another.
A shrink or psychologist works just as well if not better. As a adult child of an alcoholic parent, I don't want to be told to forgive the parent for their behaviour, as they have no control over it. My father looked his 3 little babies in the eyes everyday and picked up the beer, for this I cannot forgive him, but I am comfortable with the decision I have made regarding him and his behaviour.
The shrink/psychologist route will work on helping you - the child, wife, etc - deal with the low-self esteem, and all the other baggage you accumulate growing up with an alcoholic - not focus on the drinker and how to "deal" with them. They help you stand on your two feet.
I watched some of my friends become sanctimonious tools who are addicted to meetings and behave worse now out of guilt if they do "fall off the wagon" - it's not been a positive thing to see. Something in the AA mindset seems to say to them "if you do fall off, you're going to need to do it bigger and uglier than you ever have before" to justify getting back into it.
I find the forcing of AA theology and addiction as disease on people in the legal system concerning as well.
Well, yes, some people replace one addiction for another. And some people work really hard and get better. The point you may have missed is that attending 12 step programs is never about the other people there, really. It's about you: What kind of life do you want, what kind of person do you want to be and how are you going to get there?
True. In short time, I found that I didn't need that relationship with an irresponsible drinker and I didn't need 12 Step Programs.
it cannot legally be forced on offenders. they MUST give you another option
if not, EVERY FEDERAL DISTRICT COURT has ruled it unconstitutional, and you can sue sue sue the offending jurisdiction.
the 9th district ruled you can personally sue your parole officer !
Don't take AA sitting down! Fight against what federal courts called "unequivocally religious"
and please, pardon my typos!
Well, there's Narconon, but that's run by Scientologists. Not much of a choice.
There will never be one path to recovery meant for everyone. I am not religious or spiritual so Al-anon would probably not work for me, but my Mother is somewhat spiritual. She was an alcoholic for over 30 years and this was the only thing that worked for her. We now have the relationship we always wanted and I have never seen her more happy.
The most interesting part, is that my Mother is very successful and dignified. She always thought that members of AA would be total losers which was part of the reason she never went. She thought she was above AA and came to realize that there were people there from all walks of life.
As a group we had meetings for 12 weeks, (8 women) utilizing an Al-Anon publication, Paths to Recovery. The conclusion by all, muddled concepts, repetitive and of little value. Not one woman was pleased with using religious ideology as a basis for dealing with specific issues.
We formed a secular humanistic group, private, open book list, and offered information, support and processing.
Al-Anon simply did not work for our group.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
