Bill O'Reilly Attends First Football Game, Surprised to Find There Were No Guns on Field

NEW YORK, NY -- Bill O'Reilly was all smiles this Sunday as he watched the New York Jets edge out the Miami Dolphins at the Meadowlands. "I can't believe the game was so sportsmanlike," he said. "With all those big, black men on the field, I was sure someone would pull a gun out at some point, but no one ever did. I even saw some white players shake hands with the blacks after the event. The whole thing was very civilized. It was as if I were at a golf match." He chuckled and added, "Imagine if black people started playing golf! Wouldn't that be something?"

Though O'Reilly has been criticized by some for being racist, his close friend Michael Richards says that's absolutely not true. "Bill's a great guy. I mean, he just went to dinner with Afro-American leader Al Sharpton at an Afro-American restaurant in an Afro-American neighborhood. How could he be racist when he ate food prepared, probably without gloves and hairnets, by Afro-Americans?"

Indeed. It seems O'Reilly is in fact no stranger to black culture. As he noted on his radio show recently, he's been to see Anita Baker in concert several times. Or, well, at least once. He said he was particularly impressed with how well-dressed her band members were, and noted that he could "...follow almost everything she said. There was none of this, 'M-Fer homey damn son gonna freak you shorty' business that's been passed on by generations of blacks in the ghetto." He then furrowed his brow and whispered, "It's a miracle plantation owners were ever able to communicate with their slaves! Am I right?"

Before his critics react too harshly to his seemingly antiquated point of view, they should know, some of O'Reilly's best friends are black. "My housekeeper is black. And my driver. And that guy I bought coke from once. What was his name? Eh, it doesn't matter. He's in jail now. Sick bastard. Selling coke to a white man. He should have given it to me for free!"

But O'Reilly had no complaints Sunday from his seat on the 50-yard line. "Yup. I love football. There's nothing like watching black men beat the sh*t out of each other to confirm to me that some things will never change. What white America doesn't realize is that these guys are just like us. Except they don't know how to read, of course."

You can watch Bill O'Reilly anytime On Demand locally on Time Warner channel 666.

Comments

[blu2purple]

The warped thing is that Don Imus was doing Don Imus DOES, shock jock, and what Bill did was the REAL DEAL. This whole punishment fitting the crime....totally backwards.

[blu2purple]

My observations are made from looking at each mans deeds outside their "stupid statements".

[anastasiabeaverhousen]

One of my favorites:

http://sweetjesusihatebilloreilly.com/

[jst418]

The sad part of the whole mess that is Bill O'Reilly is that he thinks he's not a racist. His whole out of touch demeanor screams bigot. But if you accused him of it he wouldn't know what you were talking about. If he is an example of the white conservatives of this country then no wonder the four Republican front runners aren't interested in the Blck or Hispanic vote.

[Podewumun]

Bill O'Reilly sounds like a closet fitty cen fan.

[dadw5boys]

They all look alike to Bill.

[1will]

What's sad is many of your readers will not realize this column is both made up and sarcasm.

[AnotherHuddy]

You don't get it. Imus got fired because, against his previous record, the whole "ho" incident looked bad.
But O'Reilly's always this bad. Remember when people got outraged with every horrible thing he said? Now, like the Queen of England, he's just a kind of formality, meant to fill in a niche of contradictory crazy-talk.
~s~

[suki21693]

"M-Fer, I want more iced tea."

[RealBlackGirl]

What Bill does not understand is that his comments would make the perfect white privilege poster. He makes millions of dollars, writes books and provides commentary on radio and television while being completely ignorant about communities of color. Every person of color can't even get a minimum wage job if they are not completely proficient in mainstream (white) culture and norms. The more white privilege is exposed the closer we come as a country to living up to our ideals.

[Newvoter49]

And he doesn't get fired? Makes Don Imus look tame. No defense of Imus implied but I suspect O'Rielly really means what he says.

[Nommo]

Football etiquette is that guns remain the locker room, or preferably, under the driver's seat.

[dadw5boys]

Bill expects to see everything the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTIEE say exist in America.