I Am (not) Good Enough: Three Ways to Battle This Feeling

Simply writing this title has decreased my confidence significantly. Yet now that I realize why I feel self-doubt, I can move forward and write this post -- my first for the Huffington Post. How incredible it is that in a split second, we can shift our mindset from negative to positive.

Curiously, we rarely use this powerful ability because it's easier to hit our snooze button and ignore it. We get so good at this that snoozing becomes a reflex action -- that is, until we wake up and confront this yucky feeling. About a year ago, I realized that by ignoring this message, I was empowering it and weakening myself. Back then, had someone told me that I would be willing to admit my imperfections, I would have thought it impossible.

So how did I get to this point just a year later? By taking things one day at a time.

I work to overcome the feeling of being "not good enough" by using the following strategies that might work for you as well:

1) Make a Decision

As individuals, we have the incredible power to decide that we are, in fact, good enough. You are the person who owns the sole key to your self-worth, which governs what you do. In order to achieve the feeling of being good enough, you must first believe it. If you choose not to do so, then no one else can do it for you. Write it down and say it to yourself. When you make the choice, you become the decision maker and you are back in power. You hold that key, yet often forget that you do. So remind yourself that when you feel imperfect, you've chosen to be imperfect. Of course, perfection is merely a facade that holds us back from moving forward.

You must believe -- truly believe -- that you are good enough, which will allow you to let go of your quest for perfection.

2) Emphasize the Positive

How often do you quickly dismiss something you did well? Do you allow yourself to recognize and accept praise from others and feel that you deserve it? The frequency of this is likely much less than the amount of time you spend dwelling on something you did wrong or even sub-par. Do you recognize criticism and feel that you deserve it much more than praise?

Always remember that you're on your side, always.

3) Redefine Perfect

During my freshman year at Duke, I failed my first two exams. I had prepared so much for both exams and can still remember the moment I called my mom after getting an F on my chemistry exam. I thought that I didn't belong at Duke, that I wasn't good enough. Ultimately, I graduated from Duke with high honors, and I credit those two exams for my academic success.

I had only known the situation of being "perfect" prior to college, and those tests served as my wakeup call. Perfect was no longer what I wanted. Instead, my first goal distilled into simply passing my exams. When the threat of perfection was lifted, so was the pressure and anxiety I felt while preparing for and taking exams. I also reexamined my expectations. What did I want in the end, just good grades? No, I wanted to become a psychologist. I had a goal and I was going after it.

By releasing the self-assigned pressure of perfection, you will release the corresponding anxiety and allow yourself to perform up to your abilities.

By utilizing these strategies, you too can work to overcome the feeling that you are not good enough. The little voice that pops up at the worst of times and screams, "I am not good enough!" is awful. But while you may feel sometimes that it is easier to silence the voice deep within by hitting your snooze button, you must also realize the importance of the struggle to empower yourself and to value your self-worth at the cost of perfection.

Follow Carolyn Rubenstein on Twitter: www.twitter.com/clrsimple2

Comments

[Pat Corwin]

thank-you Carolyon for all your insight on life. You're an amazing young lady. The article helped me to always remember (sometimes I forget) that it's not important what people think. We are so excited for August to get your book on the shelves of bookstores all over the world. Can't wait to meet you.

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Pat, thank you so much! You and Emily have helped transform my perspective on life :). I look forward to the book coming out as well - a four year journey we've all been on together! It will be incredible to meet everyone. I'm so excited!! Thank you for your tremendous support.

[DMDBOB]

Life goes by too quickly. Your insight and perspective on thinking about ourselves in a positive way provides tools we all need and in turn affects the people we surround ourselves with.

Great writing. Hope to see more of you.

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much! I look forward to becoming a part of the HuffPost Community.

[ejbog]

Fab post - I never used to say I'm Not Good Enough... aaaand now I say it at least 4x a day in law school. But the perfect people in law school are creepy. And socially challenged. So. Justice served.

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Law school is grueling. I watched my brother go through it and my sister starts in the fall! It definitely tests your self confidence. But from what I've seen, the best lawyers are the individuals who think outside the box -- definitely not "perfect."

Thank you for sharing your grad school experience. I think it's something "we" don't talk about much.

[NevaforLeadership]

As someone who has worked with many lawyers, my advice is to switch.

Many people go into law school, with ideas of glamour and big deals, only to find they are small cogs on the back-end of the big deals -- nightly paper pushers, ratcheting up their billable hours to fit into a failed business mode.

Law firms, consequently, end up as cubicles of dysfunction and board rooms of arrogance.

[SamuelT86]

You speak the truth! Mazel Tov!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much!

[jlc9127]

Carolyn,
You are such a breath full of fresh air and a constant reminder to stay positive and to focus on the important things in life. After hearing the bad news of Michael and Farah today, reading your post is a refreshing reminder to live in the present. It is nice to read these reminders in a positive article like yours rather than in the awful media fallout of celebrities passings.
KEEP BLOGGING ON HUFFINGTON POST!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much for your comment. It is so difficult to remain positive during such difficult times; however, we must persevere. It is so important for people to protect their emotions during this time. It can be easy to get addicted to the media coverage and become submerged in sadness.

We all cope differently, but it's important to remember that just because the stories are outside our immediate lives that we surround ourselves with the support we need. And most importantly, to never be afraid to ask for that support.

[dckpdckp]

I agree with everything you say! We are all so much more interesting because of our flaws.

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

I agree 100%! Our imperfections make us human. They make us unique. And they are usually what we love so much about those close to us.

[mrhero]

Carolyn, Your thinking is both clear and profound at the same time. I would say it is a "perfect" piece on the subject that feeling you always have to be "perfect" is not a healthy way to live one's life. Thanks.

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much for your insight. "Perfect" is definitely not a healthy goal to strive for in life. Of course, as with anything important, easier said than done :).

[laxgoalie8]

This is very true but as a cancer survivor I felt more compeled to feel useless. I also decided one day that it was a wake up call and I had so much to offer and it was up to me to set the pace and make things happen. No matter what others thought I set goals and was proud of my achievements. Learning to accept praise in a humble manner is important. You earned it, accept it. Be who you are and proud of that. Set you sights and things may sometimes lead you on other paths, but the path you choose will be your own. Thank you for an article that promotes self praise with modesty and dignity. We all need to live our lives in a manner in which we can be proud. In doing so, others will be proud of us. Thanks Carolyn!!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for sharing your personal struggle as a cancer survivor. I think many individuals have a similar mindset - "feel more compelled to feel useless." Many people will never move beyond a negative perspective, which is so difficult -- to constantly be in a battle with yourself. Yet, your second sentence is the reason I wrote, "Perseverance." You decided that you had it within you to change how you looked at your situation, a situation more difficult than most individuals will ever face. Your decision is an inspiration to anyone who feels that they just can't move beyond a state of feeling like there are no options. You demonstrate that we each hold the power within us to create the option to persevere, regardless of what we face.

Thank you for inspiring me -- and I'm sure many others who read your comment. You are an incredible individual.

[quinnk]

Nice perspective. I think we've all had moments where we felt like we didn't belong somewhere because we weren't "good enough," but sometimes those feelings are just what we need to motivate our next steps.

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

I completely agree - these feelings can be an incredible motivation to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Thank you for sharing your own perspective!

[leanamay]

Great Huff Post debut Carolyn. I look forward to many more inspiring pieces from you!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much, Leana! You are such a huge inspiration to me. I am grateful for your support!

[Cody Goehring]

I especially like the personal story about wanting to be a good psychologist, not just make good grades. In trying to keep up your self esteem, keeping things in perspective and focusing on meaningful goals (instead of the superficial ones that are often the easiest to measure) is great advice.

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

So very true. Superficial goals are sometimes easiest to create because we can easily measure success versus failure. But is the measure a true representation of our capabilities? Rarely. While we are often forced to look for another goal due to failing a superficial goal, I think we should strive to create these meaningful goals more often. But it is definitely more difficult! Yet, totally worth it.

Thank you for discussing this important distinction between goals we set for ourselves!

[jlc9127]

I couldn't agree with you more Carolyn! Your insight is truly incredible and I can't wait to read more profound articles by you!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much!!

[Debbie Jones]

Great article. With young adults of my own, I found myself always make similar statements to my kids. There is a lot of pressure on everyone these days and we all need to know that who we are and what we do matters!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for sharing your perspective as a parent of young adults. There is so much pressure on kids and young adults today - especially the type of pressure that can minimize the importance of our individual contributions to society that don't receive external praise.

Love your last statement, such a wonderful message: "We all need to know that who we are and what we do matters!"

[Kel Kelly]

carolyn, congratulations on your huffpo debut! i love your perspective. i believe in shooting for happiness, not perfection. i also find bringing happiness to others is a high like no other! peace out.

[mrhero]

I agree 100% Carolyn; being perfect is "not" perfect; I like your perspective!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Being perfect is definitely not perfect!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your support, Kel! Happiness should definitely be the goal we strive for. I love Dr. Robert Holden's perspective on happiness. It's incredibly empowering. He is the director of the Happiness Project and has recently written a book on the topic, Be Happy. His philosophy is that we "choose" happiness.

Thank you again for commenting!!

[jan123]

Thank you for reminding us to accentuate the positive during these tough times!

[Carolyn Rubenstein - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your support! I am so happy you enjoyed the post.