THE BLOG
12/26/2013 09:39 am ET | Updated Feb 25, 2014

Kicked to the Curb on Christmas

You chose her out of a lineup in a parking lot. You paid top price. She submitted to your every will and you tied her up. She spread her arms and offered you everything.

She was nightmarishly high maintenance. You gave her a pretty skirt, tons of jewelry, and plenty to drink. When that wasn't enough, you surrounded her with presents.

Then she got stressed and started to wilt a little. Eventually, the holiday strain gets to everyone. But when all her hair started falling out, you knew it was over.

To be polite, you waited until your family left. Then, you stripped her down, took back your jewels to save for next year's love and shoved her body into an oversized trash bag, Soprano-style. Without another word, you cast her into the street.

You had so much faith in this one. It all happened so fast. Your 20-night stand is over. It was just another evergreen romance come to a sudden end.

But you've done this every year, you bastard. And you know what? You'll do it again. Because that's the kind of person you are.

What's that? New Year's Eve is coming up, and you don't have a date? Oh, well, you should have thought about that one, shouldn't you?

There is no sadder day than December 26th.

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