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Caterina Fake


Hello Baby!

Posted: 04/29/07 10:42 PM ET

I'm looking like a cross between Tweedledee and the Venus of Willendorf these days, seven months in, and doing my best not to waddle. Penguins are really cute! I keep telling myself this. Maybe I should wear a black tie.

According to my book, you're already 3 lbs. The other 25 lbs. I am assuming is stuff you need. You know how when you see parents out in the world toting their tots around, they are always hauling baby gear -- cars seats, diaper bags, blankets, shiny distracting objects, tiny little tupperware containers filled with Cheerios, "binkys" (we will *not* call them binkies), sippy cups? You must have all that gear already. Otherwise, what's with the other 25 lbs.? You better come with a Bugaboo.

Being pregnant has all kinds of advantages. People keep telling you how beautiful you look. They do it over and over. Very sweet of them, but it is just not true. I've seen myself before, and I've definitely looked better. Trying not to succumb to the cotton jersey, L.L. Bean maternity clothing thing. But my skin has never been clearer or more rosy. That much is true.

More advantages: A couple months ago I was at the LA airport waiting for a friend at the baggage claim. Her flight didn't arrive for an hour, and there wasn't a single chair in the whole place. I saw a security guard in a chair and went over and asked if there were any more. She barked something incoherent at me, something about it being a restricted area and only for security personnel. She was Not Nice. "But I'm pregnant!" I exclaimed, and immediately she turned into Glenda the Good Witch. She rushed into a storage room, and got me a chair, and made sure I was settled, and asked me if she could get me a drink. It was like finding money on the sidewalk. Since then people have been offering me their seat on the train, opening doors for me. They say that to the Queen the world smells like fresh paint. It's like that. Strangers smile at me. Sometimes they touch my belly because you're emanating good luck. Some women hate that. I don't mind.

Chocolate. They did a study in Finland that says that mothers that eat a lot of chocolate have happier babies. I've yet to actually read this study, but just hearing about it is enough to convince me of its validity. Fortunately, I encountered Vosges Chocolate recently, and this has become my staple, along with those enormous prenatal vitamins that are like swallowing entire dinner rolls in one gulp.

And what's with the workout? It's like you're training for Beijing 2008 Olympics in there, for the gymnastics competition, with particular attention to the vault and floor exercise. Let me tell you one thing. The only sport you should be preparing for is the Luge.

Baby, I can't tell you how excited we are for your arrival. That other, deeper voice you hear all the time? That's Stewart, aka Papa. Do you like the Mozart? You loved the hiphop they were playing at the Japanese restaurant the other night. Jump up jump up and get down! There is so much to show you out here: we'll start with milk and smiling, and move on to sunshine. Carpets are great, there are these things called carpets, they put them on the floor. It just keeps getting better -- the tooth fairy, socks, Shakespeare, French absurdist literature, hiking, the internet, gummy bears, Desperate Housewives, voting. Shoehorns really help you get your shoes on. Ice. Ice is cool. I read about how to build a really awesome snow fort. We'll do that. Halloween. Freshly sharpened pencils. Flan. Petting zoos. Planets. Words.

You're gonna love it, baby. It's a wonderful world.


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