How To Lift Yourself Out Of Loneliness

Q: I think loneliness is such a universal yet under-discussed subject--maybe because it's sort of taboo. No one wants to admit to being lonely for fear of sounding pathetic, yet so many people actually are, even if they're surrounded by friends, family and love. What do you think?

A: I think you hit the nail with your head.

There is a big, huge, chasm-sized difference between being physically alone and feeling lonely, and the taboo comes from people automatically connecting the two. Tell someone you feel lonely and they give you the "you'll find someone" pep talk. You were merely expressing a feeling, like happiness or nausea. But in many people's eyes, loneliness is synonymous with "aloneness" and therefore elicits an almost audible "aww." You suddenly feel like you have a big L on your forehead that might as well stand for Loser.

Loneliness is mysterious because it can crop up at strange times - which makes it difficult to explain and can make you feel like you must "justify" it. For example, whether you're attached or single you might love solitary lunches or mid-morning coffee runs, but even in those lovely moments you can feel... something. What is that gnawing feeling? It's not hunger. It's not tiredness. Ah yes, it's loneliness. Once you identify it, you know it can be nothing else.

Loneliness usually ebbs and flows, but if the feeling persists and you just can't shake it? Eventually you should share it - with a professional, that is. Don't flinch at that suggestion because if you reach a point where a profound sense of loneliness permeates every activity, from the mundane (tying your shoes) to the incredible (winning the Powerball), it will inhibit your ability to fully live and enjoy your life. Talking with friends can be an enormous help but even best friends with the best intentions can't always fix what ails ya.

The upside (yep, there is one): Loneliness is a universal emotion. Everyone knows what it feels like, so whether or not people launch into pep talk mode, they can empathize (though they won't admit it because that's, like, sooo pathetic). You want what everyone else wants: Someone who 'gets' you. Someone you don't have to explain everything to. Someone who gives you butterflies. Someone who knows you'll ask for the salad without raisins because their texture clashes with the endive and they don't play nice with the cucumbers. Haven't found that person yet? Or you already have but still feel lonely sometimes? That's totally ok. And totally normal! Absolutely everyone on the planet feels lonely sometimes (not even love can claim that status). And in that way, it binds us to others in the very moments we feel most removed. The taboo should be lifted right there.

Comments

[Aurelius]

The kind of loneliness you feel with all your family and friends around isn't going to be solved by "seeking professional help." It's the classic manifestation of alienation. Marx thought that capitalism caused it through the commodification of the self. Camus thought that it was an inevitable consequence of the absence of transcendent purpose in human life. Whatever it is, there ain't no shrink can help you with it.

[nellie]

I think "aloneness," as you call it, is fine. I don't think it's the aloneness that solicits the "aww" reaction. It's the understanding that when you're lonely, you feel that something is missing or lacking. Being alone in and of itself is neither good nor bad. What it is depends on the person and the circumstances.

Loneliness, however, can hit when you're in the middle of a crowd if you feel disconnected and isolated, or nostalgic for something that isn't there. I'm not sure professional advice is always the answer, but finding connection probably is—whether to someone or something, to others or to yourself. And sometimes a professional can help people find that connection—when it seems most elusive.

I hope everyone finds connection and meaning during this holiday season. Best to all!

-n-

[cephalgia]

Thank you, Catherine, for an intelligent and wonderful article.
By the variety of responses to it, I think you've hit onsomething that many people feel, but are reluctant to discuss, except in the anonymity of the Internet.
I am going to take your advice and seek some professional assistance in working through some of the things mentioned by yourself and those who responded to you.
Thank you all for your words.

[Twocentsworth245]

Believe it or not, I've never been lonely. I've been alone a lot, but I've never been lonely. That's because I've been alone by choice. When I'm alone, I can come and go as I please and do whatever I want whenever I want, although I don't know if that's always a good thing. I've never been one who craves being in the company of others, and I think that may at least partially be because, when I'm with someone, I feel the need to keep a conversation going, and I'm not good at that. Is loneliness a form of depression? It sounds like it may be. Depression I've been through -- twice -- but never loneliness. I don't believe anyone chooses to be lonely any more than they choose to be depressed, unless they're some sort of masochist.

[pistoo]

Hi, Happy New Year.
thank you for this article. I am alone, but I never feel lonely, I live in Manhattan. The only time in my life, I consider my purgatory,is the one and half year I lived in Colorado where I felt desperately lonely. I was surrounded by people 24 hours a day.. Loneliness is a state of mind, lack of cultural friends prople who speak the same language.
One example I can give you is a German friend of mine who said once at a dinner party, he wanted to end his life with people who knew who Goethe and Schiller were!!
thank you for writing.
Pistoo.

[avicenna]

I haven't ever really felt lonely - but I anticipate that it may be something that is to become a common appendage. I am one of the lucky few who had a mother that was both a friend and a pillar of unconditional acceptance and love. She really balanced out my pragmatic but cynical world view - with a youthful vigor that I both envied and lived off of. Today she passed away - heartbreakingly - of cancer. Right now there is numbness filling the void, in time, I'm sure it will be replaced by loneliness that likely won't be able to be quenched by all the world's company.

[janmB]

There are many things that are unpleasant in life and if being alone is the worse it gets then one should feel lucky. If one then feels grateful, then they will be less unhappy.

[canyonmanla]

I'm not sure about this but I think it was the Existentialists who believed that loneliness is the natural state of Man and that everything we do in life is to alleviate that loneliness. I have found this to be basically true in my 67 years. I have come to just accept it as an old friend who comes and goes in my life.
Merry Christmas just the same.

[lehrbob007]

It's good to have a place to post where there's intelligence/wisdom being exchanged. Very good comments on the distinct possibility of depression playing a role in loneliness. I experimented with many meds over the years and me and my shrink finally hit upon one that FINALLY worked. It was an older med that was rated as "less effective". It doesn't work for everyone.

One thing that kept me going was what a Buddhist freind told me about depression. Some of them refer to it as "Loss of Heart". i hung on to that knowing it wasn't my "fault".

Peanut butter between warm toast to you all! -Bob-

[fortyniner]

When I feel the pangs of loneliness, I count my blessings.

My mainstay for keeping happy, is my faith.

I well know what some politicians are doing while wearing the badge of religious piety. My Highest Power warned us to beware of the High Priests, the Sanhedrin and the Pharisees.

They are with us, still. They manipulate us using their Christian label; but they actually do the opposite of what Jesus, the Christ, cousels us.

[BoulderSue]

You know, I just thoght of another place where I never feel lonely: Whole Foods. The other customers always seemt to be having a goo time and we all have our minds on one thing: good food. You find yourself in a real, if temporary, community. This isn't an ad-I don't work for them. Actually I have similar experiences at a small neighborhood grocery I went to yesterday to get our Christmas dinner. There was a small crowd gathered at the meat counter, of people giving a total stranger advice on how to roast a beef rib roast-which she had never done before. Carols were playing, people were humming along, and an old acquaintance I had not seen in sometime ran up and gave me a big hug, then proceeded to make his way through the store ho-ho-hoing and hugging anyone he knew. The clerks, who are always helpful there, were especially talkative and in full holiday mode. I hated to leave! Go where you find community, of whatever kind: the Humane Society, the woods, the local antique shop or grocery store. It all helps and reminds you that you really are part of something.

[JusticiaParaTodos]

When I was lonely, I was also very sad. I did not wish to be lonely or sad, it just occurred.

After I met my present wife I worked in a mental health clinic. To my surprise I experienced many of the symptoms that my patients did!

At my wife's insistence I saw a psychiatrist where it was determined that I was going through at least seven symptoms of major depressive disorder: 1) sadness 2) anger 3) inability to sleep 4) swings in my appetite (sometimes none, sometimes too much) 5)paranoia
6) chronic feelings of guilt 7)inability to concentrate and occassional feelings of anxiety.

Today I have conquered most of this through using Welbutrin and learning how not to let the dBlack Dog get the best of me. Remember there is NO shame in having a mental illness, the shame is NOT getting the help you need!

[Sociallyconscious]

My cure for lonliness to to visit a Quaker Meeting. There you will find open, warm, real sincere human beings who accepts everyone into their gatherings.

[mythster]

First, make friends with yourself. You're the only friend you'll ever really need. Next, ignore all the social pressure about the "joy of togetherness", You need time on your own, away from the maddening crowd. Enjoy your solitary lunches and don't waste your time and energy on boring, stupid people. If you find someone you really connect with, stay close but not attached.

[ardeth]

Actually, I've found that I tend to get lonelier when I'm among humans than when there are no humans around. Here's a sure cure for loneliness, at least for me: animals of the nonhuman kind, either your own pets or taking a walk to see your local wildlife interact with each other.