The Ups And Downs Of Online Dating

Ever tried online dating? If the answer is yes, you know what a crapshoot it can be. I've written columns and pieces about this subject before, but I constantly receive questions and feedback about it. So here are some things to consider for both novice and veteran online daters:

Upside: You get emails all the time from people interested in dating you.
Downside: You get emails all the time from people interested in virtually dating you.
Upside: There is always a steady stream of singles to look at, consider and communicate with.
Downside: There is always a steady stream of singles to look at, consider and communicate with, assuming the profiles are real.
Upside: Since you can see people's pictures, you know what they look like before meeting them.
Downside: Most people have Photoshop.
Upside: Browsing through thousands of profiles, you are constantly reminded that "the one" might be among them.
Downside: Browsing through thousands of profiles, you are constantly reminded that if "the one" is among them, your chances of meeting them are based upon numerous factors beyond your control, and only two within your control: having a profile that really grabs their attention and writing emails that don't sound like anyone else's.
Upside: Men on dating sites say they like to spoil women with jewelry.
Downside: Men on dating are often wearing that jewelry in their profile photos, which were taken six years ago.
Upside: People on dating sites say they like to spend evenings at home, away from the fray of the bar scene.
Downside: People on dating sites neglect to clarify that "evenings at home" describes the nature of your relationship with them after the second date.
Upside: Experienced online daters are crack IM conversationalists.
Downside: Experienced online daters often prefer IM conversations to actual conversations, and they don't hesitate to hold several at a time.
Upside: After a great date with someone you met via a dating site, you can log in and see that they "viewed" you after they got home.
Downside: After a great date with someone you met via a dating site, you can log in and see that they have already logged in, but they haven't viewed you and they're still "online now."
Upside: Upon meeting for the first time, you might breathe easy knowing that someone accurately described their body type as "about average" on their profile.
Downside: Upon meeting, you know "about average" is a very subjective phrase.
Upside: Once you start dating someone regularly you can log in to the dating site see - and feel happy and relieved - that they haven't logged in for a good while.
Downside: Once you start dating someone regularly you can log in and see - and feel bummed and insecure - they still have their profile on the site.
Upside: You can always sit down at your computer, excited to spend countless hours browsing profiles and photos of other singles.
Downside: After spending even a half hour browsing profile and photos of other singles, you feel kind of crappy in a way that is impossible to explain.

Why hasn't anyone built a better mousetrap? Why hasn't anyone started a better, more honest and easy way for mature, well-adjusted single people to connect? Yes, Eharmony claims to have done that very thing, but I was once about to give them a try when I learned you cannot set a preference to date people who don't have children. It's completely unfair so I didn't bother with them. I am already an aunt and an aunt-of-sorts to a friend's daughter, that's enough kids in my world for now.

Every person I know who's ever done online dating for a good length of time says they feel better once they get off whichever site(s) they were using. I'm not slamming it, mind you, I simply found too many holes and pitfalls. Too many liars. Too many "online addicts." Too many just-out-of-a-serious-relationship people who claim to want a relationship but really only want the one they just lost. Too many misleading photos. Too many absolutely false physical descriptions. After a while, it's just too "too."

Again, I'm not bashing online dating. I did meet a few people that way, some of whom are still in my world. I'm bashing untruthful users who perpetuate the very pitfalls online dating sites claim to prevent. I always knew the sites themselves were in business - that is, they exist to make money and if you fall in love and get off the site, they lose money - and that's okay. But it behooves them to constantly tantalize you with the idea of finding "the one" so you'll keep paying the fees. And they scare you when you try to log off for good. They ask you "why?" like it's their business. They even say things to the extent of: Once you remove your profile you will no longer be able to communicate with thousands of other singles just waiting to meet you! Oooh, scary. I'm here to tell you that it's okay, and a good idea, to remove your profile for a while (the most popular sites shuffle new users to the front of the line so you might fare even better to sign off for a while, then sign back on.) Don't worry, you can repost it at any time. Believe me, they'll welcome you back with open arms and the soft sound of cha-ching in the distance.

Comments

[sdskelton03]

I met my wife online.

I wont say it was easy (for either of us), but I will say it was better than any other way I had gone about it in the best. All of the negative is listed here, so I will list some positive.

First, in a bar, grocery store, party, book store ect., there is no way of knowing if the person you are approaching is even on the market. Online, there is a really good chance they aren't taken.

You can also get a really good idea of the level of education and intelligence from the narrative.

Further, you can know up front what sort of expectations they have for a relationship.

[heartpuppies]

I considered going online to meet someone, but eventually decided against it. I just don't like the idea. Call me naive, but there's nothing romantic about it, and you really do get a better sense of someone as a person face to face. Online dating profiles are just another form online self-branding-- the sky is the limit for making yourself seem exciting, intelligent, personable, and attractive, but you will never know the truth until you actually interact in real life.

Also, if someone is going online to meet someone, chances are good that he/she is not meeting anyone because they're spending too much time on the computer.

[kirkland]

While in some cases it may be the case that "if someone is going online to meet someone, chances are good that he/she is not meeting anyone because they're spending too much time on the computer." it can also be said that you can meet people online that you would never meet in your local dating pool. ie- incredibly bright, talented, charismatic or unusual. I have met some fantastic people on line that have become friends . All are busy, specialized in some way and not attracted to the bar scene. I see the problem not being that it's *online* but a larger cultural one having much to do with ways in which we have devolved . ( ie: adopting *branding* as a personal ethos , decption included)

[kirkland]

Sad to say, great article. I am on a sustained sabatical from on line dating. I describe myself accurately and have found that men ( and women as well) are so used to deception that even tho I pass along my image ( only after I am interested in possible contact) they assume that I'm photoshopping or that my images are dated or that I can't possibly be the kind of woman that I claim to be.( I keep waiting to be asked for a blood sample ) It is tedious, demoralizing and induces the jadism ( new word?) that both sexes seem to now suffer from. It's like some wretched game and i don't want to become de-sensitized to what makes men wonderful. That and finding that men who regard themselves as *vital* and *bright* who answer my profile often can't spell. A very cynical friend of mine surfs thru various sites- just looking at images of men . She swears that when she sees' a man who just doesn't look like "some womans ex husband " she'll take the plunge again. ACK. I agree. There must be a better way. There are so many of us single (in our 40's, 50's ) that it's a shame that we ( women and men) cannot connect. Be that as it may ...until a better mousetrap ? i think that sociologically speaking- we've reached STASIS. The currents aren't moving.

[DennyCrane]

It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations. Meeting someone online is just like meeting someone offline. People lie, mislead, play games in the real world too. Hearing people talk about bad online dating stories makes it sound like they expected everyone online to be honest. Grow up. The world is full of liars. People going online expecting things to be any different in cyberspace are kidding themselves. The real value in these sites isn't in vetting potential dates. It's simply in providing yet another place to meet people. Anyone who's out of school knows how hard it is to meet someone. We try to meet people at work, through friends and relatives, at parties, in bars, etc. and yet so many of us complain that it's hard to meet anyone. Online dating is one extra option and the plus is you save time and learn some things about people ahead of time. That beats going to a party talking to someone for an hour only to discover a major turnoff. Like any other way of meeting people, it's got its good and bad points. So if you try it, just keep them in mind.

[DocManhattan]

No, it's not the same. It's much harder to lie convincingly face-to-face, and your body language gives many subtle "tells" about what kind of a person you are. Also you can't claim to be 25 and athletic when you're 40 and over weight. Online dating doesn't just tempt people to lie -- it practically compels them to, because otherwise how are they going to get noticed among the dishonest competition?

Yes, meeting people socially in the real world is hard. It requires effort and courage and involves the risk of embarrassment and humiliation. But I guarantee you that you will truly know more about someone you ask out on a date after meeting them at a party than you could ever know from studying some medacious on-line profile.

And here's another thing -- yes, you can lie to a person's face about your wealth, career, family history etc. It's much harder to pretend to be a likeable person, a good listener, fake a sense of humour or manufacture bogus empathy. These things can only be judged face to face.