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Cenk Uygur

Cenk Uygur

Posted: December 30, 2005 02:39 AM

How Republicans Are Like Michael Jackson Fans


A Republican called in to the show today and he was going on about the usual delusional things Republicans say these days. He has a secret e-mail that proves that Saddam did have a connection to al-Qaeda. The 9/11 Commission looked at over 2 million documents and talked to over 1,000 people who work in our government and experts in the field, and concluded there was no tie between Iraq and al-Qaeda – but this guy’s e-mail knows better than the 9/11 Commission.

Then it struck us. Republicans are beginning to sound like delusional Michael Jackson fans. Michael didn’t do it. All the evidence was fixed. The prosecutors were out to get him. The kid who could describe Michael’s penis in painful detail (the same one he paid $20 million to) was lying.

Saddam planned 9/11. He was in cahoots with al-Qaeda. There are weapons of mass destruction – in Syria and Russia (he actually said this – so that’s where the Russians got all those weapons). It’s naïve to think the US constitution could protect us. We have to give away some of our rights to be protected from the terrorists.

I thought these guys were drinking the Kool-Aid. But I now realize they’re drinking the “Jesus Juice” Michael was feeding the kids he wanted to feel up. You figure the Republicans still supporting this administration have to be high on something. Then I thought about what Rove has been feeding them and I don’t know why we didn’t make the connection before – it’s gotta be the Jesus Juice!

Most people saw the fans supporting Michael Jackson throughout his trial and cheering for him outside the courthouse as an embarrassment. That’s how most of the country and the rest of the world are beginning to see Bush supporters. The party is over and these guys keep going back up to Neverland.

No matter how much evidence you put in front of them, they will not waver. They love Bush, right or wrong. A little thing like an unjustified invasion or spying on Americans isn’t going to shake their faith. Take another swig of the Jesus Juice and everything will be fine.

Ignored Hurricane Katrina victims. No problem, pass the Jesus Juice. Ignored the constitution and did warrantless searches of American citizens. No problem, pass the Jesus Juice. Passed more tax cuts in the middle of an out of control, record deficit. No problem, pass the Jesus Juice. Never caught Osama and isn’t even trying. No problem, pass the Jesus Juice.

Remember as Nixon was being pushed out the door in lieu of impeachment, 25% of Americans still supported him. You just can’t shake some people, no matter how overwhelming the evidence. Michael just loves kids. OJ didn’t do it. Nixon meant well. And Bush is just trying to protect us. Pass the Jesus Juice.

If you want to see more on this topic, check out this video clip from The Young Turks.