THE BLOG
07/03/2013 02:58 pm ET | Updated Sep 02, 2013

My Proposal for a Bill That Bans Male Masturbation in Texas

I think we can all agree that life is sacred, and we must do everything we can to ensure that potential life is protected.

The anti-choice bill in Texas currently being debated is a great start, but we need to go right to the source: the horrible murder of sperm that occurs during male masturbation.

Some activists would have you believe these are just clumps of cells, but anyone who looks at semen under a microscope can tell you that individual sperm demonstrate purposeful movements.

Did you know that we have no actual study that proves sperm can't feel pain when unnecessarily ejaculated? It's true! For all we know, these are living organisms that endure excruciating nerve stimulation when exposed outside of the male reproductive system.

There are those who would argue that we are regulating men's bodies and taking away their freedom to make their own healthcare choices, but as our conservative brethren have pointed out in many a debate on rape culture, men simply can't control their sexual urges on their own as per the landmark legal reasoning of "boys will be boys." Therefore, they need help and incentives.

To that end, I am proposing a bill in the Texas Legislature that does the following:

1. Ejaculation of semen outside of an active effort to procreate is banned. Some would make the case that we should allow exemptions for cases of rape, incest, or if the man's life is in danger, but this is all nonsense and doesn't correspond with our strong, Texas values. A life is a life. Just consider if our great governor Rick Perry had been ejaculated by his father during a self-pleasuring act.

In the event Section 1 isn't passed, we should include further restrictions that make it incredibly difficult for men to masturbate without facing criminal prosecution:

2. Men who masturbate must apply for a state permit, pay a $500 fee for that permit, undergo a transanal sonogram to view the internal route sperm must take to leave the male body, be counseled by a physician on the benefits of a celibate lifestyle, and view a two-hour video on the modern genocide that is male masturbation.

3. Men who obtain masturbation permits are only permitted to do so in designated areas for such activities, specifically masturbation centers that receive licensing by the state.

4. The state will be limited to a total of six masturbation centers in order to better monitor this activity, all of which will be placed at least 200 miles outside towns with populations greater than 20,000 residents. We must think of the children who could see a sign for one of these centers.

5. Male members of the Texas Legislature are examples to all men everywhere and thus, should submit to daily external and internal swab samples when the Legislature is in session that will be analyzed for evidence that masturbation has occurred.

6. In order to evaluate charges that unsanctioned masturbation has occurred by a male member of the Texas Legislature, a Committee to Understand Male Masturbation (CUMM) will be formed to determine if reported transgressions should result in the impeachment of investigated members.

7. To avoid bias in these investigations, CUMM will be composed entirely of women in the Texas Legislature. All testimonies given on this subject will be limited to the approval of the committee.

8. The Chairwoman of CUMM could hold a possible bias if she is heterosexual, and therefore, it is advised that she be a lesbian to avoid impropriety in oversight of this committee.

We love men and believe they are the bedrock of the Texas family. We are only choosing to do what's best for them and avoid a breakdown in the societal order of this state.

TWITTER: @cmclymer

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