This post originally appeared on Man, Wife and Dog.
Unfortunately, I lost my mother to breast cancer at a very young age. I try to focus on my future rather than what wasn't in my past but sometimes I do wonder what it would have been like to grow up with her by my side, sharing her love and wisdom.
She was a woman who fell in love, married her college sweetheart and handled many of life's ups and downs -- including the dissolution of her own marriage -- with the utmost pride and grace. I'd give anything to know what advice she would have shared with me when I had my first heart wrenching, I-can't-go-to-school-ever-again high school crush. Or, the moment I met the man I knew I loved like no other. Would she have had any gems to whisper into my ear as I prepared to walk down the aisle on my wedding day? I've imagined many different versions of how the conversation would play out. My favorite is the one where she tells me to love fiercely and fearlessly with all my heart and to pour our faith in God and our efforts into our marriage. It's my favorite because although I don't yet have any kids, I know it's what I plan to tell my unborn daughter or son when the time comes. I know I'll be overjoyed to have the honor of being the one to introduce them to the world and to hold their hand as they learn all of life's biggest lessons -- especially the tough ones.
This is where the boys come in. My daughter will have lots of questions. I'm sure I won't have all the answers but I know exactly what messages I hope to convey.
I wrote this letter for my future daughter to read the day she's old enough to ask me about what I write on my blog...
Dear (Future) Daughter,
You're going to hear a lot of things about love and marriage before you're ready to understand them. That's okay. That's what you have me for, kid. There's more to tell and teach you than one letter could ever hold, but to kick off your lessons in Boys 101, here are a few things I need you to remember most and understand early:
1. Love is going to knock you down long before it ever helps you back up.
2. Not every man who says he loves you will mean it. In fact, most of them won't. But, when he really, really does, you'll feel it.
3. The first time you think you're in love, you probably aren't. (Sorry!)
4. If he doesn't know what he has, please don't wait around until he realizes it. You could be off living another life with a better guy by then.
5. Marry the man who loves you as much as he loves his mother. He knows the meaning of respect and the value of a woman.
6. If you don't respect yourself, he won't respect you -- period.
7. Sex can wait but one day (like when you're older and married, ok?) it will feel like the most important thing to you. It's not, so please handle it with care.
8. If your friend is notorious for dating jerks, she is not the one you should ever take advice from.
9. If he loves you he'll want the best for you -- even if it means he loses.
10. If he asks you to marry him and you feel any hesitation before you answer, say no. Marriage is a lifelong commitment you don't want to enter with uncertainty. Trust your gut.
Below, photos of Charli and her family:
Related Links:
A Homemade Recipe for a Happy Wife
10 Things I Can Do To Make My Husband Happy (That Won't Make Me Any Less)
14 Marriage Moments When You Should Just Shut Up and Count to 10
2. Anything that appears like said media will be short-lived if experienced at all.
3. Getting bored of your partner is normal. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.
4. The first person you have sex with isn't necessarilly the person you should marry.
5. etc.
I sincerely hope you and your husband have children in your future together. Your writing here was very thoughtful and insightful.
I get why parents don't want their teenage daughters having sex. Who wants to be a grandparent when you're daughter is sixteen? However, wanting them to wait until she's married? What if she don't get married until their mid-thirties? It's not out of the realm of possibility. A lot of women don't get married until their thirties in the U.S. Do you really want your daughter to be a thirty-five year old virgin?
I remember my mother saying it, and then, saying that she didn't want me to get married until I was completely done with college. I wanted to be a cardiac surgeon at the time. When I did the math, I thought to myself, "No way! I'm either getting married very young (like 19 at the latest) or I'm having sex after high school but before marriage." It was going to take me until past thirty to be done with medical school, residency and all of the rest.
All that I ask is that parents think before they tell their daughters to wait until marriage. Do you REALLY want her to wait THAT LONG or are you really just asking her to not make you a grandparent when she's still too young to live independently herself?
I chuckle at the one about loving you as much as his mother. I'd also point out to my daughter "well, this is true but in the event he is Italian make sure he doesn't expect you to cook, clean, and wait on you like his mother".
I've dated one too many like that.
That's the top one for my daughters. I am speaking from experience (unfortunately) when I say that if he's got mommy issues himself, he's going to transfer them to you one day, especially if you have kids, and it's almost impossible for him to deal with.
Related to the above: if you want kids and he's "not sure", run.
Also: if you have to convince him to marry you, run. A man should be 100% willing and eager to make that commitment to you. Period.
Just my $.02.
The most important being: Don't get married unless you are in love.