Ugly Parents

I can't believe I'm going to say this out loud...

There are too many ugly parents in the world.

Yes, this is judgmental. Yes, it's a horrible thing to say and I don't mean to single anyone out, but I'm tired of pretending they don't exist. Maybe my time in Los Angeles has frayed my fuse. Stay with me if you can.

I'm sitting here at the park right now watching my son making sandcastles (AKA mounds of sand) and my gaze snags on something unsightly. I can't take it anymore so I'm writing this down ... on my phone. I'm watching a dad. He's the ugliest thing I've ever seen. Grotesque.

His kid, in their own way, is just as hideous. Is it simply genetics? Did he work hard to get this way? Did he grow up not caring about how he looked? Maybe the reason his kid cries so much is from having such a repulsive father.

Ugly people like him, they walk around and spread their disfigurement. I wonder if they know it. It's one thing to be ugly and not know, but this guy acts like he knows damn well how he appears and doesn't care.

So, I'm at attention on this bench, debating how to tell this dad just how ugly he is. But then my conscience or decency or whatever, let's just call it my 'second guessing voice', speaks up. 'Who the hell are you to drop the hammer, Charlie?' Some onlookers would probably cheer while others cringe. I cringe when I see people approach strangers for less. There's no question it would be out-of-place and irresponsible of me. Society's social veneer has me prisoner for the moment.

But a thought begins to burn a hole, 'hopefully he won't have any more children' because you know he'd just be passing it on to them. And those kids then grow up ugly and theirs too. It never ends.

This man is robbing the world of its beauty, one day at a time, by his mere existence. It occurs to me that the reason for my hatred is perhaps unconscious identification with my own ugliness. That may well be true. I've got the scars and misshapenness too. But this guy has the market cornered.

I'm unable to stop myself. I walk over to him, now out of ear-shot of his kids. He stands there texting, probably some disgusting thing to another ghastly person, leaning against a wall. He reeks of unpleasantness. His ugly face vomits out an ugly word, "What?"

"Stop hitting your kids. I'm watching you."

You'll recognize them by the ugliness of their actions.

This post originally appeared on HowToBeADad.com. Find out more about HowToBeADad.com and connect with them on Facebook.

 

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Comments

[Jason Ungar]

01:57 PM on 06/05/2012

I am a stay at home dad with two toddler under 4. I have confronted a few Mom's and Dad's so far, but always with a different angle. I offer help. Maybe in various ways. If the kid is near my son or daughters age i'll try and have my kids play with their kids and i will get involved. Build that sand castle with all of them. Throw the frisbee with all of them. I have even offered a timeout to a parent once. "Hey we have all been there, maybe not there where you are now, but we have all been tired, frustrated etc..go take a walk for a few min clear your mind, take a break I don't mind helping for a min or two" The other thing I have done is just go talk to the person in a totally non confrontational way as if I never saw anything. A dad (for me) is easier as maybe i'll say man did you catch that LA King game last night, wow they may win a cup..just something to redirect. I applaud your effort to talk to him directly. Most of the parents I run into however are awesome parents doing whats best for their kids...

[Mama B]

12:09 PM on 06/04/2012

Why is it that people who would call the police over a man hitting his wife or dog will defend his "right" to do the same to his child?

[ktmckinsey]

04:38 PM on 06/04/2012

FYI: they don't call the police when the guy is hitting is wife/gf either.

[MelanieGagnon]

10:28 AM on 06/04/2012

Ugly parents like this are a major cause of these little and big bullies we see in schools. It is one of the worst parenting mistakes. You would be scandalized if you went to France or England. They just go on wacking their kids in the middle the street, supermarket, public transit... I think we are evolved enough as humans to know that their are better ways to punish children in a way that will actually teach them something besides violence. Great article by the way...had me till the end.

[Wilhelmina Alston]

05:36 AM on 06/04/2012

i would have just called out loud across the playground, for everyone to hear , to stop beating on his kid....

[Tamie Adaya]

09:30 PM on 06/03/2012

I think the best thing is to call the police in matters like this. I would be too scared of talking to the parent just in case the child gets punished even more at home and in private for "supposedly causing the humiliation." I need the feedback of adults who were abused as kids. Is it better for outsiders to step in or better to call the authorities?

[Charlie Capen]

10:41 PM on 06/03/2012

That's a very good point. I don't know how to describe it in writing, but what I saw was something that was in that gray area, at least I believed. But, yes, the authorities are there for a reason. Sometimes they show up too late, however. Here's another dad who intervened. Different scenario: http://www.childsplayx2.com/2008/12/standing-up.html

[Shawn1966]

05:46 PM on 06/04/2012

Before anyone is tempted to call CPS for anything short of sever physical or sexual abuse they should volunteer at you local children’s home. In Orange County CA the place is called Orangewood, but many of the kids who live there call it "hell on earth". Please note that I said many not all, for some of the kids it is "heaven on earth." Over the last several years I have met kids that absolutely needed to be removed from a very bad situation. I have also met many kids that had parents that really did care and tried to do the best for their children & should have never been in the system. The bottom line is think before you act or you might be responsible for destroying a child life. I will never forget the time one of the kids I mentored (he was 13 at the time) told me "he would rather be beaten with a stick on a daily basis than be stuck in the system". Just something to think about

[onegoal13]

08:36 PM on 06/03/2012

On two occasions I've confronted parents who were abusing their children. It felt awful. I worried whether the child would be punished again later because I humiliated the abuser. But in both cases it was clear that these men knew that they were wrong. The wouldn't look at me. They WERE humiliated (which is a good thing). In one case, the man's wife really looked at me, and I begged her to go get help.

I'm glad to see some posters here saying they would have welcomed someone speaking up when they were young. I don't know if I helped, hurt, or had no impact at all, but it would have felt wrong to do nothing.

[Charlie Capen]

10:42 PM on 06/03/2012

I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's not a GOOD feeling. And your second paragraph, same here.

[MissMiniMonster]

04:51 PM on 06/03/2012

I am another who wishes someone like you would have been around when my alcoholic parents abused/humiliated me in public. I'm 28 and to this day I have trouble with relationships because of it. I am working through it but it's probably going to take a while.

If that "father" is behaving like that in public, though, I don't want to think about how he is behind closed doors.

[Y Woodman Brown]

01:36 PM on 06/03/2012

"You would not believe," the tree trimmer tells me, "how many jobs I get to, where I see a broken step ladder, a few busted tree limbs, a chainsaw and some blood." -- Tom Carpenter

Amateurism...I'm sure you're a fine father--for being so young and wet behind the ears with it...

You didn't, however, do anyone--excepting your-own-self-righteous-self--any darn good with your handling of the 'ugly' man.

Ok, tell him not to hit his kid. Tell him that you're watching. Swell your chest and relish in what you imagine is boot shaking.

You probably just ensured an extra whack for the kid. You certainly didn't curtail any future abuse. And nobody wins the Nobel Children's Prize for pressuring a problem parent.

Look, the ugly man needs help. He probably has taken enough belittling from his boss, his wife, his father and his self-loathing self. You want to spare the child from getting smacked? you have to help his father up out of his ugly problem.

Get sympathetic. Relate to the man. Kids are difficult, life sucks, the future is already past.

Befriend him. Discover what's eating at him. Offer him a hand, lighten his load.

This is how a good father help the child from the ugly in his parents.

(But you don't have to take my word for it. Go ask a psychologist. Get some professional advice.)

[Charlie Capen]

05:37 PM on 06/03/2012

I appreciate where you're coming from very much. But I'm not campaigning for a prize. I'm not relishing saying anything because, in fact, I am not very courageous. I have had moments of courage in my life.

The wrong thing to do is nothing when you're conscience is nagging you. I spoke to him. I didn't threaten him with violence. I used words. I didn't beat the man as much as a part of me felt compelled to physically intervene.

And let's be frank, you were not there and have no context. You don't know about the countless times I've opted out of saying something, chosen words over force, been sympathetic to people in my life. I'm generally a very chary person.

I hope those kids didn't catch more "punishment" at home but I wanted them to know someone else agreed with them, agreed with their instinct that what was happening was wrong.

Maybe you should ask a professional about conflict resolution. Or perhaps find out why you wage such heavy claims on me about being an amateur, cocky, etc.

And for the record, no idea what the carpenter quotes is in reference to...

[imadesphousewife]

08:23 PM on 06/03/2012

Was he really whaling on the kid? Is it something you could've called the police about? It seems pretty ballsy to smack your kid around in public - I'd love to see people like this arrested, if that's the case.

[Y Woodman Brown]

11:26 PM on 06/03/2012

Try to carry the memory of the quote on amateurism into your fifties. Reflect then on your blog. When your children are nearly thirty, reread some of your entries.

The reconsider my comment to you...

Or, if you've courage enough, while writing now your HowToBeADad entries--consider what an older, more experienced and much wiser grandfather might say to you regarding the advice your youthful self is currently dispensing without a license...

Hint: if you don't feel the 'I should have realized' chagrin today, over what you wrote a year and a half ago--whatever that may have been--then you aren't experiencing the only decent reason for an individual to continue writing at all...

Quite truly, I wish you more luck, more ability to absorb pain and certainly more self-contented success--in all your self-actualizing and fatherly related endeavors--than most of us wrinkled s.o.b.s ever even began to realize.

[twm js]

09:03 PM on 06/03/2012

No, what Charlie should have done was dial 911 and get the kid away from the father. Who knows what is happening at the kids house. Maybe the parents are divorced and the mother doesn't have a clue. Maybe the father has put the mother through the wall a couple or a lot of times.

Charlie, you say your not courageous, and that's okay but if you see the father again, and you see him abusing his child, not spanking, please, pretty please, call 911 and get the kid away from that man.

[Xena Horvath]

12:54 PM on 06/03/2012

Thank you for this post! If you have never been abused, no one can understand just how damaging it really is. At 32 years of age, I still have trouble with my past experiences. Thank you for standing up for that child, I wish someone had done that for me when I was little.

[Melissa Mulvaney]

11:33 AM on 06/03/2012

I appreciated your article, and I understand that the behavior you witness likely went over the line between discipline and abuse. However, I will also say that this article touches on how we judge other parents' methods of parenting. I myself do not use hitting or spanking as a form of discipline on a regular basis, but I have done so on a few occasions that I felt warranted it. My punishments on those occasions were never given out of desperation so that my child understood that he was receiving correction out of anger.

Standing up for children who are being beaten by lazy parents is one thing, but interfering with discipline of children because of misplaced judgment is another. Parenting is hard enough without others looking down their noses at me because I know my own child and I know best how to discipline him. Perhaps by being more willing to call out abusive, lazy parenting, we will also encourage and support those parents who are doing their best in a world where rearing a child doesn't come with a manual.

[Charlie Capen]

05:28 PM on 06/03/2012

Melissa, you should see the debate that sparked on our blog over that very topic: http://www.howtobeadad.com/2012/10353/ugliness. Some believe any violence or physical action is tantamount to abuse, others believe it to be a measured methodology that continues because it is correct. What I saw in that park was nothing short of bullying and a pathetic display of "parenting." Regardless of anyone's stance on the lines and boundaries of bodily harm, this was an exception.

[Melissa Mulvaney]

05:41 PM on 06/03/2012

Thank you for your reply, Charlie. I applaud you for taking a stance on behalf of a child.

[janz9z]

07:35 AM on 06/03/2012

I recently retired from the teaching profession and have had the opportunity of seeing ugly parents all too often. The ugliest, however, was not a parent in my classroom but a parent in WalMart (where else). I heard the little boy and could tell from the high pitched wails that he was in deathly fear. I hurried through the aisles and then saw the huge woman jerking the little boy around by his thin arms. I will never forget his face. Her own was contorted by anger as she swung at him with her free hand. A crowd had gathered not knowing quite what to do and probably hoping that security would arrive and take control but no one was going to come to his rescue and this little guy was going to get the beating of his life. I held up my cellphone and dialed "91"as she let loose with profanities and threats but they were directed at me and not the child. I announced that I was a mandated reporter and I was calling for help. By the time help arrived she was gone but for one brief moment that little boy knew that someone cared enough to try and help.

[MarcEdward]

01:25 PM on 06/03/2012

As the spouse of a teacher, I hear of another kind of abuse, when a student earns a low grade (sometimes a B) and the parent calls the teachers and the principal and through threats gets their child's grade raised to an A.

[janz9z]

01:34 AM on 06/04/2012

Been there, too. I was attacked by a parent in my own classroom. The school district helped me get a restraining order against the mother and the custodians walked me to and from my car each day. The worst abuser however was the last principal that I worked for.

[Silver Startz]

06:10 AM on 06/03/2012

When I was a beaten child, nobody stood up for me - not even my mother. My life may have been a lot different if someone had.

Twenty-three years later, I still suffer from ptsd, but am determined beyond anything to *never* treat my children the way I was treated.

Stand up for kids. If you've never been a beaten child, if you've never been physically and/or verbally abused, you can never know what it does to them for the rest of their lives. All it takes is you to step in and say something - it WILL make a difference. You can be a kid's hero.

[junenorris]

02:44 AM on 06/03/2012

Made me sad to read that, but very true. We can not turn a blind eye where children are concerned .as to many little ones are being abused by their parents and nothing is said, so well done you, would like to shake your hand, I would hope I had the courage to do the same thing.( saying that I really would ) I absolutely hate violence of any kind, especially to children when parents have that inner feeling to protect your child even at risk to your own life.

[emily tripp]

02:38 AM on 06/03/2012

Question for you, Mr. Capen: Can you clarify what you mean by...

"It occurs to me that the reason for my hatred is perhaps unconscious identification with my own ugliness. That may well be true. I've got the scars and misshapenness too”?

I can think of two possible interpretations, neither of which I would wish on you or anybody else.

[Charlie Capen]

10:50 PM on 06/03/2012

Hmmm, long story. Maybe another day.

[Heather Kallinger]

02:29 AM on 06/03/2012

I was furious as I read this, unable to believe anyone could be so shallow, certain there had to be SOMETHING coming to redeem this... and then there it was. Bravo. And thank you for saying it.

[Huff reader2011]

05:55 PM on 06/03/2012

I thought the same at first. Thank you for speaking up,Charlie.