In the beginning, there was sex. And it was good. And there was more sex. And it too was good...
My wife and I began our relationship as any two relatively awesome people do. We were friends for a while, long distance. Then we met and got into a relationship, and had some awesome sex. Pretty much every day. We got married and this sex continued.
As an aside, know this: 1. My wife loves me very much, and I, her. 2. I'll try to be the least pornographic I can in writing this post. But that will be hard. Wait. There's probably a pun in there...
HER EGGO WAS PREGGO
Then, my wife got pregnant as the result of this awesome, great sex. I definitely had my "I don't want to bruise the baby" thinking cap and underwear on, which probably contributed to sex falling off the to-do list of our lives. We were all about the baby and our sex lives were made even more unavailable by my booking lots of work as an actor that year. I worked my ass off.
We tried to be intimate and physical but it wasn't the same. Simultaneously, I was feeling like the most masculine guy I've ever been. I impregnated a woman. I am man. Boom.
Stop picturing us having sex, you!
And she was even more beautiful to me, so it was difficult keeping my hands to myself. Pregnant women don't glow. They radiate, like stellar objects. There was definitely a trimester where things picked up, but things always felt really tentative and a bit disconnected. To be honest, I think we were both so excited about our future son, that our future and present sex took the hit, falling victim to our best laid plans. I really have to stop with the entendres.
AFTER THE FLOOD
After Finn's birth, I gave my wife and her lady parts the time they needed to recover from their natural delivery before diving back into things. You know, two days. Joking.
I knew it was probably smarter to let her come to me and ensure she felt better about her recovery. But that's where it got funny. She didn't. I could tell that the pregnancy/birth experience was one of those "this changes everything" deals. So, we carried on. She tried her best to breastfeed and stay awake, and I just kept eating. All the time.
I gained a total of 30-40 pounds from the beginning of her pregnancy to Finn's first three months of life. I wasn't looking my sportiest, manliest best, whatever. And this won't sound good, writing it now, but I was transforming into a woman: soft and curvy.
WORK IT OUT
So, as I stated in "Pregnancy Weight Is Ugly", I worked my butt off again, but literally. I quit sugar, dieted, and worked out again. I tried to shove my physical life back into this new fathering life and it was hell. I would workout at home in front of Finn in his little swing contraption. I took him on hikes. I went to the gym sparingly and without any sleep. The worst part was: when you don't sleep, your body doesn't change as fast. Thus, it took double the work. Little known fact.
But I did it.
I texted this image to my wife while prepping to audition for the new Superman movie that's coming out. It worked like kryptonite.
I worked for hours and days on my body to get fit, mostly for myself and my career, but I'd be lying if I said those were the only reasons. I really wanted to do it so my wife would find me attractive enough to want to have constant, ridiculous, while-Finn-was-asleep-in-the-other-room monkey sex with me.
But I didn't get that.
I mean we had sex, and it happened more often, I guess. But the change was even more evident. Maybe my awesome foreplay needed help... Walking around bottomless in our room used to do it, but it barely raised an eyebrow now. My patented phrase "Jump On It" didn't seem to fire things up anymore, either. Doing naked jumping jacks? No dice. Maybe it was the fact that sex meant something else now, it meant a means to a painful end. Childbirth.
So, now I don't know what to do. I love my wife. I just want her to rock my socks off a little more, ya know? I want her to know how cared for and passionately I feel about her. Can someone email her about this post and tell her I'm ready for her? Anytime. Any place. Thanks.
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1.) Neither gender seems to think very highly of the other.
2.) A lot of women come across as if they only care about what THEY need or want in a relationship, with no regard for their husband's wants & needs.
3.) Just like being a parent, being married means that it isn't just about YOU anymore. If you don't want to have to cater to someone else, don't get married. It's not fair to trap someone in a marriage of YOUR convenience!
4.) The concept that men be 'rewarded' (with sex) for their 'good behavior' (of housework) --as if they are little children-- does not reflect well on women.
5.) I wouldn't want a husband who would go along with not being intimate for a month, much less several years.
6.) Priorities change, people grow & grow up - it's still important to stay connected in that physical way that makes the relationship with one's spouse different from the relationships we have with others.
7.) Pregnancy, breastfeeding, illness, medication can be a drain on one's libido - if you use it you aren't as likely to lose it.
8.) There are very few GOOD excuses to not have a healthy sex life with one's spouse - but myriad good reasons to have one!
Before anyone says that I just don't get it because I'm a man... I'll have you know that I'm a woman.
My advice to them is straight from my first post:
1.) Be nice
2.) Don't be so selfish
3.) Marriage means you have a responsibility to your spouse
4.) Treat your spouse with respect
5.) Listen to your spouses wants & needs
6.) Intimacy IS important
7.) If you use it, you aren't as likely to lose it
8.) A healthy sex life benefits BOTH partners... AND the resulting children (if I have to explain that... you = lost cause)
As far as husbands not 'going along' - I know my own husband wouldn't remain in a marriage where he was continuously treated like a child & denied something that he actually does have a right to expect. He wouldn't resort to violence, but he would make me get help. Because, in an age where so much help is available, there's little excuse to not seek it.
Husband or wife, if one partner no longer wants to be intimate, I'd suggest they get a physical, medical treatment, counseling, therapy, exercise, better diet, more sleep... whatever it takes to be an actual partner. Or, to just be honest about not being interested, and let the other person out of their misery.
Can a marriage survive without sex? Of course. Will sex wane over your lifetime? Probably. Does it have to? No necessarily. Will it EVOLVE? You better hope so. Because.. my life observations have been.. LIFE EVOLVES.... EVERY ASPECT of it, not just sex. But, if you make SEX the basis for your relationship? Be realistically prepared for some big THUDS to come your way.
Ebb and flow.... change your perspective. OFTEN. Get over and out of yourselves. Otherwise, life can be san and disappointing.... just saying.
okay, I know I'm going to have to split up my answer as it will cut me off for being too long. Here's the first part:
Your statement "sacrifice all of his needs" sums up the problem with your perspective, sir (assuming you're a male from your answer). When you ASSUME that SEX is "all his needs:... WOW. As one matures (sadly, not necessarily as one AGES) one learns that SEX is just ONE aspect of a, hopefully, very full and varied life experience. Unfortunately for so many, too much priority is focused on what you will come to eventually learn is a truly selfish act if continued in the manner as described by the author of the blog. Let me put it this way... This is the "poor in spirit's man's" version of the sexual act vs the "rich in spirit's man's" version of whole life expression of unfettered love. I don't even expect for you to understand. continued.
Many womem's libido remains low until the baby is fully weaned...
I think this is an evolved means of spacing new pregnancies.
It took double the WORK to get your body in better shape because of the lack of sleep.I don't think so buddy.Sleep is very important for muscle repair and growth.Doing MORE work when your sleep deprived results in a lack of muscle development.
Articles like this reinforce an inaccurate picture of a pan marital sex-drought. The truth is most married couples have regular sex but don't feel the need to tell the world about it. Just like on the TV News we only hear the sob stories and not the happy, everyday stories of ordinary people.