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The Ten Commandments of Charlie Sheen Coverage

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10. Hollywood royalty is not like British royalty. Charlie Sheen probably feels like Hollywood Royalty, especially since he's a second-generation star. But there's no real royalty in America. British royals can do as many foolish things as they want, and they remain royal - it's a birthright. Charlie's crown will lose its sheen the minute his money runs out.

9. Lenses lead to lunacy. If you want to see anybody go crazy, all you have to do is point a camera at him (or her) long enough. Anybody - especially the people who say they don't take stardom seriously.

8. Living with two women (outside Utah) never works. Only a Mormon or a poor man can live with more than one woman. When a rich man tries it, there's too much stuff to divide.

7. "Meltdown" is a misnomer for what's happening. Nuclear reactors melt down, and the waste glows radioactively for thousands of years. Celebrities fade away completely, without a trace. Charlie Sheen is a Jeopardy question waiting to happen, circa 2016: "Star of a top-rated TV show, this highly paid actor obsessed with winning is better remembered for losing his mind."

6. The suits reign supreme. Charlie Sheen is one man, ranting and raving. The network suits are many, and listen to the tom-toms - there are more of them on the way, bearing tomahawks and BlackBerrys.

5. The two-shrink minimum. There's so much to say about the Charlie Sheen story, and TV psychologists all over the country should be on their knees to the guy, thanking him for the endless profile-lifting soundbites they've been providing throughout this saga.

4. So you (yawn) did what with that cinnamon-flavored lubricant? A story has truly run its course when interviews with porn star girlfriends are duller than an evening of interpretive dance.

3. The 911 call - it's just a question of when. "Hello, I'm calling from Charlie Sheen's house" (background shouting: "Put down that - phone and bring me my tiger blood!") "Yes, he's very upset, I've never seen him like this."

2. The internet takes the pop out of paparazzi. You don't have to chase Charlie Sheen down the street for a photo op. He posts nutty stuff on his own website, while-u-wait!

And finally...

1. Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep those cameras rollin'. When a rich and famous man is falling to pieces - for heaven's sake, don't interrupt him.

Charlie Carillo's latest novel is "One Hit Wonder." His website is www.charliecarillo.com. He's a producer for the TV show "Inside Edition."