Give Up -- Just Be Fat

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It's pretty much useless to try and be thin if you don't have the (much coveted, soon to be cloned at a store near you) "thin gene." Based on a study of over 3,000 pairs of female twins -- the gold standard for both researchers and teenage boys -- scientists have concluded that over 50% of womens' variances in weight can be predicted just by looking at their genes. The remaining percentage can be predicted by looking at their jeans. (Sorry, that one just wrote itself. It's a gift and a curse.)

It's not all doom and gloom though. Prof. Livshits, lead researcher of the study published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism (2007), says, "The bad news is that many of our physical features, including our weight, are dependent on our genes. The good news is that women still have an opportunity to go against their genetic constitution and do something about it."

But lest that ray of hope be too cheerful, he adds, "It's important to not have high expectations. Women need to know that what they can do about their body weight -- especially when they age -- is relatively little, and they will do it only with much difficulty."

The proposed solution, of course, is to come up with a "thin gene" test to see who won the genetic lottery and who will be suing their parents in the near future for pre-gestational negligence. Officially the test will be used to let women know what kind of battle they'll be up against so they can decide if fighting themselves over every bite for the rest of their unnatural lives is worth it. (Strangely, the test is proposed just for women -- apparently men don't care if they are fat.) Unofficially, the test will be used to narrow down future presidential candidates, screen kiddies for the really good preschools, and select mail-order brides.

All snarking aside, if there really was a thin gene test would you take it? And would it finally release fat people from the lazy-no-willpower-fat-is-contagious stereotype that our society is so fond of -- or would it only make it easier to pick them out for vilification? One thing I do know -- marketers all over the country are having some very sweet dreams tonight.